*sigh*
So we were invited to my sister in law's house today to celebrate my DH's mother's Bday (which was on Friday?)..... and I was in the midst of a MASSIVE UPDATE to Doodles but I kinda looked forward to having some women interaction. Since I don't know how long it's been since I have hung out with some girlies... so when it was time to go over there, I was ready to go.
We get there and hang out for a little while and they go in the bedroom to talk and smoke. (I know, I know, she shouldn't, but she does-- and that's not my place to tell her how to live her life)... so they are chatting away in there, and I finally go in to see why it's taking so long to smoke one cigarette. My DH hands me a picture.
It was Amy's 3D ultrasound.
At first I just stared at it in amazement at what technology could do these days. Wowing at the fact that even though it's all shades of browns... that's what her baby looks like... and it's not just some skeleton thing you have to try to make out. It's a real pic of a real baby... fuzzy skin and all.
Then it hit me. I should have a pic like this... and I don't.
I handed the pic back quickly and walked very quickly to the bathroom where I sat for the next half hour bawling my head off. Here it was, a time for family, and celebration, and I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for more than 10 seconds. I was such a wreck. I still am a wreck.
I finally compose myself and come out of the bathroom. Everyone has been asking where I was, but I just ignored the calls... and were very happy to see I hadn't fallen off the face of the Earth when I walked into the room. My DH asks where I went, and I just told him I was in the bathroom, and he could tell I had been crying and he whispered "what did I tell you about that?" and kissed me on my head. I just put my head on his shoulder and sat there quietly. I was afraid to open my mouth to reply and I was concentrating so hard on keeping the tears from flooding the living room. What a day.
"What did I tell you about that?" Is in reference to being in ShopKo the other day. We were walking down the aisle thru all of the cute Halloween stuff, and it happens to be next to a big wall of baby type stuff (shampoo, bottle brushes, that type of stuff). He just glanced over at the right time and sees a pacifier hanging there with an owl on it. An Owl. So... I kinda half-smiled and asked him if we could get it.... he of course obliged, and when I went to go put it in the cart I broke down and started bawling right there in the aisle. He just grabbed me and held me tight and whispered "shhhh, no tears... no tears, baby..." And he just held me in the middle of the aisle while people walked by as I stood there crying. In an odd way it was nice. To feel like I could cry with no inhibitions and he would just stand there and comfort me. I am sure the women walking by me probably thought I had gone mad.
He doesn't understand how hard this is. I don't know why it's so hard myself. I mean... I never met this baby, I never got to hold it in my arms. I never got to name it or even see a picture of it. I don't know why I am so attached to it. He isn't. He was really heartbroken when it happened. Totally devastated. But why haven't I bounced back like he has? Why am I so distraught over this? It's not fair. It's not fair at all. All I wanted was a baby. I never wanted this kind of heartache. I have all of this love, and nowhere to put it. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy again. I haven't cried as much in my whole life as I have in these past months. Why Me? I know that sounds so cliche... but I feel like someone is punishing me for something I did wrong in a past life. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be ME.
We get there and hang out for a little while and they go in the bedroom to talk and smoke. (I know, I know, she shouldn't, but she does-- and that's not my place to tell her how to live her life)... so they are chatting away in there, and I finally go in to see why it's taking so long to smoke one cigarette. My DH hands me a picture.
It was Amy's 3D ultrasound.
At first I just stared at it in amazement at what technology could do these days. Wowing at the fact that even though it's all shades of browns... that's what her baby looks like... and it's not just some skeleton thing you have to try to make out. It's a real pic of a real baby... fuzzy skin and all.
Then it hit me. I should have a pic like this... and I don't.
I handed the pic back quickly and walked very quickly to the bathroom where I sat for the next half hour bawling my head off. Here it was, a time for family, and celebration, and I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for more than 10 seconds. I was such a wreck. I still am a wreck.
I finally compose myself and come out of the bathroom. Everyone has been asking where I was, but I just ignored the calls... and were very happy to see I hadn't fallen off the face of the Earth when I walked into the room. My DH asks where I went, and I just told him I was in the bathroom, and he could tell I had been crying and he whispered "what did I tell you about that?" and kissed me on my head. I just put my head on his shoulder and sat there quietly. I was afraid to open my mouth to reply and I was concentrating so hard on keeping the tears from flooding the living room. What a day.
"What did I tell you about that?" Is in reference to being in ShopKo the other day. We were walking down the aisle thru all of the cute Halloween stuff, and it happens to be next to a big wall of baby type stuff (shampoo, bottle brushes, that type of stuff). He just glanced over at the right time and sees a pacifier hanging there with an owl on it. An Owl. So... I kinda half-smiled and asked him if we could get it.... he of course obliged, and when I went to go put it in the cart I broke down and started bawling right there in the aisle. He just grabbed me and held me tight and whispered "shhhh, no tears... no tears, baby..." And he just held me in the middle of the aisle while people walked by as I stood there crying. In an odd way it was nice. To feel like I could cry with no inhibitions and he would just stand there and comfort me. I am sure the women walking by me probably thought I had gone mad.
He doesn't understand how hard this is. I don't know why it's so hard myself. I mean... I never met this baby, I never got to hold it in my arms. I never got to name it or even see a picture of it. I don't know why I am so attached to it. He isn't. He was really heartbroken when it happened. Totally devastated. But why haven't I bounced back like he has? Why am I so distraught over this? It's not fair. It's not fair at all. All I wanted was a baby. I never wanted this kind of heartache. I have all of this love, and nowhere to put it. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy again. I haven't cried as much in my whole life as I have in these past months. Why Me? I know that sounds so cliche... but I feel like someone is punishing me for something I did wrong in a past life. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be ME.
posted by Danger @ 11:47 PM
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