Up Chic Creek

Thanksgiving Day Nightmare

2005-11-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

Where to start?

The night before Thanksgiving, I was boiling eggs to make devilled eggs, and the damn things wouldn't peel at all. it looked like shrapnel had hit my eggs, and they were all torn to shreds, and I didn't even have ONE SINGLE EGG that made the cut that I would be proud to serve to someone else. In a fit of I-Hate-cooking-for-other-people rage, I smooshed them all between my bare fingers, in the palm of my hands, right in the pan. Nothing like some smooshed up eggs with the shell and everything to put yer night into perspective. My DH thought I had snapped and I was about to go psycho. I think I had everything but the twitch totally mastered that night.

So I decided that we wouldn't be having devilled eggs for Thanksgiving dinner. And I warned my DH that the stupid eggs were probably just a prelude of the things to come. Somehow I knew it was an omen. *cues crappy 'Danger-is-cursed' music* Little did I know.

I got up at 9am the next morning (Thanksgiving) to find that my 20 pound Butterball Turkey was still frozen. Even though the damn thing had been in my fridge a week, it was still ice coated and rock hard. Soooo, I had to run cold water over it until it was thawed. No biggie, right? It's okay... just a small setback.

While I was rinsing the turkey off I noticed that the damn thing still had quills in it, and I had to pluck the damn thing in three places. This was a BUTTERBALL!! Supposed to be the best in the crop. Best I guess if you like to pluck yer bird before you eat it.

Three boxes of stuffing later, and about half an hour late, I had the bird in the oven at 10:30am. I called my SIL to tell her that it was only in 30 mins late, totally not my fault it wasn't plucked or thawed, and we should still be on schedule for everything ;)

We waited

and waited

and waited....

My MIL's husband calls me sometime around noon I think to remind me that since I have the turkey, I would also have the drippings (DUH) and he wants to know if I know how to make gravy. Now... I wouldn't be totally insulted, but this is coming from the man who married a woman who makes her gravy sans drippings and with bullion cubes and soup starter flakes instead. "Of course I am making the gravy. I told Amy I would." He doesn't seem very confident, but I know how to make gravy... and I do a damn good job at it... I wasn't gonna put up with crap from a man who I really didn't like in the first place. I told him I would bring gravy when I brought the turkey, and then I hung up the phone.

I was basting it every 30 mins, and it was starting to smell delicious by around 2pm. I was beginning to feel so confident that this was gonna be the most delicious turkey I had ever eaten.

My SIL calls at 2pm and wants to know how everything is going, and if the turkey is almost done. I assure her it should be done soon, as my whole house is filled with the aromatic goodness that a 20 pound turkey should provide.... it had to be close. She lets me know that she will be putting the potatoes on around 3pm then, so that we can all still eat at 4pm as scheduled. She assured me even if we were running a little behind schedule it would be okay, we didn't HAVE to eat right at 4pm.

I basted at 2:30pm and 3pm, and she calls again. Checking on the turkey. I was beginning to become slightly agitated as I told her we weren't gonna be there til about 4pm anyway, and I didn't know why she had to keep calling about the turkey. Anyway, I tell her it should be fine to start the potatoes, and if we were a little later than 4pm, it should all still be okay. She seemed fine with that, and then let me go.

During all of this phonetag and turkey basting, my disposable roaster (which I will never buy again) rips a hole in the bottom and about half of my precious drippings dripped right into the bottom of my oven. WONDERFUL. When I realized this, I pulled the turkey out as fast as I could and tried to salvage the rest of the drippings for gravy. I didn't want them giving me shit cuz I made crappy gravy cuz I didn't have any drippings.

At 330pm, I cut open the thigh, and I noticed the juices were still running pink, so I told my DH that I was gonna put it in for another 30 mins, as I didn't wanna eat undercooked pink turkey. He totally understood, and we went about our business.

They called again.

"What's the news on the turkey?"

"It's still running a bit pink, so she's putting it back in the oven for 30 more minutes," Says my DH to whoever was on the other end. I just sighed loudly. I could tell the people on the other end of the phone were getting agitated, cuz he was like "well, we really can't make it cook any faster, and she says it's not done yet." He talks for a bit longer, and then he hangs up the phone.

I am kinda annoyed by now... cuz they have called all day long about a turkey we said wouldn't even be there until about 4pm.

4pm rolls around, I pull the turkey out, and I cut open the other thigh. It's only a little bit pink, but it wasn't totally clear, so I told my DH I didn't know what to do? He says don't worry about it, just put it back in for 30 mins and everything would be fine. I knew it was so close to being done by the color of the juice, but I just wanted to make sure no one got sick. That would be great. I would be the woman who fed her in-laws the pink turkey that made them puke the rest of the night. I KNOW I would never live that down.

I had already made the gravy, which had left a lot to be desired since I had like NO Flavor in it. I had to make the little amount of drippings I actually salvaged last thru 9 people who would wanna drown everything on their plate in gravy.

The phone rings... AGAIN. Bet you can't guess who this is? I can tell you it WAS NOT Ed McMahon calling to tell me I won a million dollars.

Whoever is on the phone is bitching at my DH, and by now I am getting vocally pissed off, and I am swearing while I am stirring the gravy. A bunch of impatient asses. He tells them he doesn't know what to do, it's not done, and he doesn't wanna bring a pink turkey. They inform us that his mom and her husband have to leave town early, so they really need to eat NOW, and don't know why the turkey is taking so long. I was getting really pissed off. They hang up.

My DH and I start arguing over why they can't be patient, and why didn't anyone tell US that they had to go to work early and leave town early. The whole day my SIL had told me it would be okay if dinner was a little late, it didn't matter-- it was Thanksgiving afterall. I was so frustrated, as this wasn't my fault, and it was all falling in my lap that *I* was gonna be the one to ruin Thanksgiving.

They call back at 4:15

AGAIN!

By now, I am freaking pissed as hell and decided I would just take a pink turkey over there cuz they were so impatient and couldn't wait. They could eat undercooked turkey to their hearts content, but I wasn't gonna be responsible if they got sick from it.

And then they tell my DH the unthinkable.

It doesn't matter that the turkey isn't done, cuz they already ate. So don't worry about it anymore.

ALREADY ATE?!?!?!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent all freaking day stressed out and cooking for people I didn't even wanna cook for, making a turkey I babied all day long to make sure it would turn out wonderfully delicious for the people I didn't wanna cook for in the first place... and then the freaking ungrateful bastards impatiently eat Chicken and Noodles for Thanksgiving Dinner before half the dinner guests have arrived?!?!

I promptly started SCREAMING in the background at whoever was on the phone. I couldn't believe they insulted me like that, acting like the food I was cooking wasn't even worth the wait for.

I plated that stupid turkey up, but not before I dropped a stoneware plate on the floor just so it could slice the crap outta my foot 2 seconds after it hit the linoleum. It hurt like hell, but I was soley motivated my hate now, and I ddin't even care. I couldn't take time to bandage my foot... my Inlaws needed their food NOW. I put the gravy in a damn bowl, and told my DH they would be welcome to eat the food I slaved over all day for, but I would be DAMNED if I was eating pink turkey just to get sick from it. I was gonna drop it all off to them, and then I would promptly be coming home, because I wasn't about to sit with someone so ungrateful for the food I just cooked all day.

He was trying to diffuse the situation by trying to reason with whoever was on the other line. I had headed for the truck with Lexie in tow, and I put the gravy down and buckled her in. I came back in the house to grab the turkey and remind him for people who are so freaking impatient to eat they sure were wasting a lot of time on the phone with him. I told him he had 5 mins to get in the truck, or I would be leaving without him. I grabbed the turkey and headed outside.

I was sitting in the drivers seat adjusting everything for my short body, figuring out how I was gonna balance the turkey and the gravy, all while driving for 15 mins., when my DH came to the drivers side door.

I barked at him, "What are you doing. Get in the damn truck. They need to eat now!!"

He says, "Baby, come back inside. We will put the bird back in the oven, and we will just have dinner by ourselves. I told them all to go to hell, and that we weren't coming over."

I started crying.

How dare they ruin my Thanksgiving. And at the same time, How blessed am I to have such a wonderful husband. I could have married him all over again right there. It wouldn't have even matter that I had turkey juice all over my hands when he slipped on the ring again.

We took the food back inside, and he told me everything that was said on the phone while we made potatoes and rolls, and heated up corn.

We then ate a peaceful, non stressful dinner BY OURSELVES. I think I even managed a smile.

and you know what? It was WONDERFULLY DELICIOUS... even if the gravy did suck.

I told a friend online, that occasionaly ya have to have really crappy Thanksgivings so that you can ultimately appreciate the good ones even more.

Beware the Turkey Gods...

2005-11-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a madhouse around here. Between drawing for Doodles, and drawing for Daydreams, my son who got beat up (bless his heart-- he's fine BTW ;) ), and then everything we have to do for Thanksgiving.... things have me kinda running this way and that LOL!!

I was put in charge of roasting the turkeythis year. Now, normally I would be like "no sweat," but this year, I am sweating like a stuck pig.

See, a few years ago, we went to my MIL's house for Thanksgiving. I was told I needed to "bring stuffing." Since they would need the stuffing for the bird, I just grabbed two boxes of Stove Top, and headed on my merry way. We drove down to her house, and I walk in with my boxes in tow.

NOT COOKED??!!

She looks at me like I am crazy. "Why isn't it cooked?" she asked me. I said, "Well, I thought you would need it to stuff the turkey."

Again, she looks at me like I am CRAZY!

"I don't stuff my turkey, I never have."

BLASPHEMY! PURE BLASPHEMY!!

"Ummm, well that's the only way I know how to make a turkey is to stuff it. I really wish you woulda clarified HOW you wanted the stuffing... because I thought we would prepare it here so it could be fresh to stuff the turkey with."

I get this death glare like no other. To me, stuffing the turkey always added flavor, and it flavored the stuffing. It makes sure both won't be dry. They are sympatico. They go hand in hand. It's like having a wedding without inviting the groom. You can't NOT stuff the turkey.

Okay, I am sure for all of you "non-stuffers" out there yer looking at me like "yes you can, I do it all of the time." Well, she was also looking at me with those same eyes.

"Well, my turkey is always moist, and never dry... and I HAVE NEVER STUFFED the turkey."

We dropped it. And I prepared the stuffing there. All was well. Stuffing was all dandy. I had made good on my end ;)

So time comes to carve the turkey, and everything looks so delicious. It smells wonderful, and I just can't wait to scarf down a whole plate of Tryptophan and Potatoes. YUM!!! Smelled DELICIOUS.

"See, I told you.... my turkey always turns out WONDERFUL. And all with NO STUFFING."

I just rolled my eyes and took a bite.

*cough, cough*

I knew I didn't put tree bark on my plate, so I looked down to make sure that's not what I put in my mouth.

Hmmm, no tree bark on my plate... but whatever was in my mouth sure had the consistency of treebark. I shoveled a bunch of mashed taters and gravy in really quick so I could swallow the bite without choking to death on it.

Then, I did what everyone else does when the turkey tastes like ASS... I reached for the gravy, and SMOTHERED my poor turkey in GRAVY!

And so did everyone else.

She looked right at me, "well, I think you cursed the turkey talking about how it should be stuffed and stuff... cuz I have never ever had a dry turkey in all my days of Thanksgivings. NEVER."

*I* Cursed *her* Turkey????

I think the Turkey Gods did it personally. Maybe next time she will stuff the bird ;)

Anyway, so this brings me full circle to the beginning of my story. *I* am in charge of the turkey this year. And for the last three years or so... maybe four... My DH has been talking smack to her (and anyone else he can think of) about how delicious *my* turkey is, and how it's never ever been dry like hers was. So, now... I hope the Turkey Gods shine down on me... cuz I HAVE TO HAVE A DELICIOUSLY JUICY TURKEY.... Or I will NEVER NEVER NEVER live it down.

My Poor Little Ian

2005-11-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

My eye has been bothering me lately... and I think I have some vertigo thing going on, and I don't know how to fix it... so bare with me if I am kinda scattered. It's been hard to stay concentrrated and focused.

I talked to Rion today and I found out that while in his care, my little boy got beat up today. I just wanted to go over and pick Ian up right then and there, but I didn't. For all of you out there who might know how Rion has been in the past, NO he wasn't the one who beat him up... it was two neighbor kids upstairs.

Ian was over at the neighbor's house with her two sons and they were playing up there, and for some unknown reason, both the boys just took it upon themselves to beat the crap outta my son... all while the mom sat there and ignored the whole thing. She didn't even get her lazy crackwhore ass off the couch to save my son, and I know he had to have been crying. Ian finally broke loose from the two boys, and ran out the front door and back to his dad's house.

Rion said the boys left knuckle marks all over Ian's body, and it was very apparent they had punched Ian in the jaw. He said he had a couple cuts, and would probably be bruised up pretty good tomorrow. I feel so bad for him. He's my little boy. He's my Ian.

I know "boys will be boys" but what the fuck is wrong with this woman that she would let two older boys beat the crap outta another little boy in her care? I have heard horrible stories that the whole building my sister and my ex live in are all drunks or addicts. I personally know the landlord and he's not above that I am sure. I grew up with him, and the day I turned 18 he asked me out on a date and tried to kiss me. He's utterly repulsive, so it doesn't surprise me he would rent to people of the same demeanor. So this dumb bitch didn't even care enough to get her ass off the couch and save my little boy. Rion said he went up there to yell at her, but it didn't seem to matter to her ... I am glad I wasn't there... I would have probably done a lot more than yell. I can't stand tweakers. GAWD!! I am totally livid about this whole thing.

I told Rion he needed to call the cops and file a report. I think he's still on probation for the last time he hit my son, and I told him he needed to cover his ass and call in the report so that *I* didn't have to deal with CPS when the school called them tomorrow cuz my son is all beat up. I am the custodial parent, and I didn't feel like being accused (yet again) for child abuse. The last time this happened, even though Rion had admitted it to the CPS worker, and the Cops, and me, they still investigated BOTH PARTIES, to make sure that *I* wasn't abusing Ian as well. It made me sick to my stomach. The marks he left on Ian's face were there for EIGHT DAYS. It makes me ill to even THINK that someone thinks I might be capable of doing that to my kids. I know it's just their job, but really... I don't ever wanna go thru that again.

I just can't wait til Ian gets home from school tomorrow... cuz I can't wait to hug him.

Riding The Couch...

2005-11-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I was going to the bathroom, and all of the sudden I heard a loud "thump" on the wall in the room next to me. (it's directly beside our bed). Directly after the thump, Lexie starts WAILING!!

I ran into the bedroom, and Lexie is on our bed screaming bloody murder, and the first thing outta my mouth was:

What did you do to her?

My DH FLIES Off the handle... "All I did was take my pillow from her. There was another one underneath it, I didn't think it would be a problem..."

I didn't even say anything at all after that, and he freaks out on me and makes it sound like *I* am the bad guy (note: I wasn't even IN the bedroom when she started crying) and that I always accuse him of hurting them when really he didn't do anything (another note: my kids are wankers most times, and they cry on the drop of a hat if it means that their sisters or brother--or even sometimes my DH-- might get in trouble for it)....

So, all in about 35 seconds tim, he's decided he's sleeping on the couch. He grabbed his precious fan (good riddance- the thing makes me cold and sick), his blanket and pillow, and he went in the living room.

I didn't even do anything.

Lexie was still crying, so I scooped her up and held her. I tried to coax him back to the bedroom, but that just wasn't happening... so I cuddled with Boo instead.

So much for our "third of the month."

I just feel like he's wasting time. Any other day he woulda been happy to sleep with me. But on a night that it's important... he's sleeping on the couch.

Whatever.

Happy Bday Dangers Doodles

2005-11-16T01:16:00.000-08:00

A little over a year ago I would have laughed at the notion of opening up my own members area. I barely knew HTML... I didn't really draw my own graphics, just used other people's outlines. But thanks to my girlies (you know who you are) who kept telling me to shut up about my stuff not being good enough, and who gave me the confidence to believe in myself... I am here now. My members area is a year old today. I can't believe it.

When I opened up I told my DH that all I wanted to do was cover the cable bill each month. I would be happy with that. Little did I know how big my site would grow, and how many ways I would branch off. I love pixelling. Who'da thunk it?

oh yeah, here's a pic I promised. Don't mind my shiny face.... someone took off with my pressed powder. I will give ya four guesses, and they are all under 5 ft. tall. Turkeys.

It's cold and there's snow on the ground now. I am going to my warm waterbed to put my colder than cold feet all over my DH who will be toasty warm. I am sure he will love that HA HA HA!!

One of Those Days...

2005-11-15T00:25:00.000-08:00

Ever had one of those days when ya wished ya didn't wake up?

Well, I had one of those today, except I am kinda glad I woke up cuz I was having this weird dream that my DH was getting framed for murdering this guy even though we saw this other chick do it... just cuz my DH has facial piercings, and moderately long hair... but anyway...

I guess a more accurate statement was "I wish I wouldn't have went to the computer"

Gawd, I tell ya. I mean, I know... get 500 women together, and yer bound to have drama. But today it was everywhere I turned. Sometimes it makes ya wish you had a bitchslap key on your keyboard... so you can really tell people what's up.

*sigh*

Anyway, I got to see Crusty today. FINALLY. I am glad he came in town. He's a great guy, and it's nice to hang out with him. I am too tired to PSP and crop pics tonight, so maybe I will post a pic of us tomorrow.

He didn't hit town until 10:30pm, and we didn't get out until after 11pm... but it was a good time. Cheap crappy food. And the Fuzzy Navel they brought me at the bar WAS PINK. But it was nice company. We have only got to see each other in person twice.... it's nice to hear the voice behind the keyboard.

I think if all of these drama hounding snots who can't mind their own business might actually hear the voice behind the keyboard every now and again it might actually stop a lot of the incessant drama in the CGC. But, then again...... maybe not.

I got this in my inbox tonight. Was an order from Manda at SKOM. Gawd I wish I had like an ounce of her talent. This is why I wanted to pixel. When I grow up I wanna be Manda LOL!! If you haven't already been to her site GO!! NOW!! Cuz she rocks!! */end spam*

Hugs to you all,

Brass Monkey, That Funky Monkey

2005-11-10T23:39:00.000-08:00

So maybe it wasn't a Monkey, it was an Orangutan, and Maybe it wasn't Brass, it was Bronze, but it was still cute :) LOL!!

OMG I have been SWAMPED!!! I have been working with Doodles on a raffle for MY FIRST BDAY there and with Daydreams for some new stuff, and I am also opening another site up. I switched my hosting over to my sissie, Bug's Hosting... she is absolutely incredible... and I think she's probably one of my best friends LOL!! *waves at Buggie* She asked her to partner up with her at TLCWS... and I told her I would ;) So... not only am I gonna open up this other site LOL!! But I am gonna try to work with TLCWS as well LOL!! Naw... I am not a glutton for punishment, I like it when I don't get any sleep LOL!!

Well, between all that stuff, I actually found time to go to the zoo again. It's a long drive there, but I felt so bad for Maddie not being able to go last time that I talked my DH into taking us one more time before it got too cold. I can't believe it's the middle of November and yet we still haven't had a bunch of snow. I am not complaining, but it just seems really weird.

Anyway, Today we went to the zoo and actually checked out a bunch of stuff we NEVER EVER get to see... and actually saw parts of the zoo I didn't even know were there. Like this amazing garden (I would love to see it when it's in full bloom with all of the birds out there-- they have cockatoos running round in there when it's warm). Inside this garden were all of these wonderful brass sculpted animals. The kids had a blast climbing up on them and posing for some incredibly cute pics. Here's a couple:

THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE

and this is another one, on the way to the garden... just off in it's own little corner of the zoo :) Fun little Hippo for the kids to pose on. I can't believe I got this immensely lucky and all those little monkeys smiled for me all at the same time in the same place :)

Anyway, not only did they site for some ultra cute pics... but we got to see some animals we had no idea ever existed. For example-- The Cassowary:

And also, we got to see a ton of BIG CATS ;) I think the guy said they are temporarily housing 10 Big Cats from the New Orleans Zoo (Displaced due to Katrina)

And we all know... I love to tweak pics and make them purdy. So here's a before and after of this super cute tiger kitten we had here. I dunno if this is one of the displaced kitties (I think it is), but damn, he's cute none the less:

I can't believe I just learned how to do that tonight... but I am totally digging that new tool LOL!! It's funny how you have a program for years, and you still learn new things all of the time. I probably woulda figured that out sooner had I actually been pokin around ;) I might write another tut on them. Erika said I should write a bunch of tuts on making pics pretty LOL!! I might have to take her advice LOL!!

This was at the end of the zoo. One of my fav pics of the whole day

MY PRIDE ON THEIR PRIDE

Seems we visited all of the non-living animals at the zoo today. Doesn't matter though, the kids had a blast.

Dinner Debacle

2005-11-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

I am trying desperately to get everyone caught up on the happenings in my life... but I swear there are only so many hours in a day LOL!!

So, the 5th was our anniversary. I asked my ex TWO WEEKS in advance to arrange for different daycare, and that I had plans, and couldn't watch the kids when he had to work. I am sure you know where this is going, huh? So, I call him on the 4th, and I say, "Did you call your mom yet?" and he of course replies back with "For what?" I remind him that it's my anniversary on the 5th, and can he please get someone else to watch them. Called him back 3 hours later... still hadn't made an effort to call her. Needless to say, I went to plan B.

I called a friend of mine to see if she could watch Lexie for us THAT NIGHT (the 4th) because I knew dumbass in all his glory wasn't gonna pull thru with his end of the deal... she gladly obliged, and I went about looking in the restaurants section to find a NEW restraurant to go eat at for our anniversary

*BEGIN SIDE RANT*

For the past 2 years, and then one other time, just because we wanted to... we have went to Red Lobster for our anniversary. It has become sort of a tradition and something I looked forward to. Like we didn't need to plan it out, cuz it was already planned the year before. This is what we would do :) Yeah, I know, kinda boring... but I really do like routine.

Well, last year we went, and I not only had hair baked into my bread, but they brought me a salad that had slimy rotting lettuce in it. YES, I am talking about Red Lobster. NO, this isn't a joke. And for $100 for dinner, you would think we could actually EAT the food without dying or something of the like. I guess you could call me picky.

Anyway, it doesn't end there. My DH ordered surf n turf... and he only got turf. The waitress apologized for ages about it... but the point is my DH wanted to eat his Lobster Tail WITH his dinner, and since it was never prepared, he ate it by itself... but whatever.

The year time before that (not our anniversary) we went just to go to celebrate something. I think it might have been me graduating with my marketing degree. Anyway, I ordered lightly pink (what is it? Medium Well?)... when I cut it open, the thing moo-ed back at me. Totally on the RARE side. I think it was still cold even that's how long they had it on the grill. The waitress noticed right away that it was not what I ordered and quickly offered to have it fixed. Well, to make a long story short, I think it pissed the cook off, and he made "blackened steak" part of the menu that night. ICK. I couldn't even look at it.

So, now we don't go to Red Lobster anymore.

*END SIDE RANT*

I decide that we will just go to TGI Fridays. They have steak... they have Daquiris... they have beer (for DH, not me). So, I get moderately dressed up and even put on makeup, and we go out.

We get there on a Friday night around 7pm, but luckily there was no wait. I was so excited. We go in, and sit down and all is good. Food, Drinks, Alone Time. Ahhhhhhhh

Our waiter left a bit to be desired on the humor level... he started joking with us about getting trashed after he got off at 11pm, and was comparing the smoothness of this vodka to that with my DH (who doesn't care about smooth vodka really... he's a beer man). But whatever. We ordered drinks (water and tea) to start out with, and he let us be.

He comes back to our table, and puts the drinks down, and asks us if we are ready to order. We are ready to order an appetizer and have not yet decided on what meal we would like to get. So, then he does what no other waiter has ever done the whole time I have ever remembered going out to eat.

He proceeds to tell us to hold on a sec, that he really needs to sort his tickets out... and he pulls them all out and lays them on the table. OUR TABLE. HIS TICKETS. HIS TIPS. OUR TABLE. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture?! He even says:

"Sorry guys, I know this is rude......"

WTF is WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! Do it at the damn server station, like everyone else does. Damn. I was immediately put off, but promised myself I would not make a hissy about bad service tonight. Tonight was about US, not really about the food.

So I let it slide... but my DH knew, cuz I flashed him the "WTF IS HE DOING" look.

Then, he comes back and we order our meals. He didn't know the menu, and I am thinking at $20 a meal, the server should know if it comes with sides or not. But I figured after the whole Sorting his tickets out, that he must be new, so I let it go.

We get or food... and have moved on to daqs and beer... and it's all YUMMMMMMMY!!! It was all absolutely WONDERFUL FOOD. OMG, I was in heaven. I didn't know if I was gonna have room for it all, but somehow I managed.

All is well, and I have knocked back a daquiri, and am working on another one... make me feel all warm and fuzzy... and we are almost done with dinner. Another party of something like 10 comes in and sits across from us. We are still eating our main meals, and I have decided that there will be absolutely NO room for desert.

I mentioned the party that sat across from us for a reason. They put in their orders for drinks (most all were water, but some were tea). Want to know why I know that?

Because our waiter(the same wonderful specimen who sorted his tickets out on our table)

PUT ALL OF THEIR GLASSES ON OUR TABLE

We had like 6 glasses on our table. He stops by, and sets them down,

"These will only be here for a second. I just can't hold them all"

WHO IN THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!

Part of going to dinner, and part of paying all that freaking money for it, is the fact that if you wanna use every single inch of that table you should be able to... why?? Because you just paid to sit there. And BTW... we paid a pretty penny to sit there.

I was TOTALLY PUT OFF

My DH could tell by now that I thought that this server needed to be fired or at least have a strong talking to, but he was trying to dismiss it as me exaggerating because I drank a daquiri. That was so not the case, but the night was about US, right?

So I took a deep breath, and I let it all go.

That was until I got the bill and realized that the 15% for his tip was like $10... and I couldn't believe I was gonna give him $10 to use our table as a freaking storage facility for someone else's order... and for a ticket sorting counter. I started getting visibly agitated and my DH hurried me outta there before I made a scene.

He thinks I am high maintenance, I just think if yer gonna pay $80 to eat somewhere you should at least leave happy. We don't buy gifts for ourselves on our anniversary, we splurge and go to dinner. And we never spend this much EVER, unless it's our anniversary. So yeah, I was pissed that vodka-ticket-sorter-lemme-use-yer-table-for-another-tables-order was getting a $10 tip.

But whatever.

Thanks for listening :)

2 puke, or not 2 puke

2005-11-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

I guess that would be the question. Sorry it's been so long, it's been a nightmare on my end with all of the stuff that has been keeping me busy. UGH. If it's not one thing it's like 45 others. Anyway, since my members area is still down today, I figured this was a sign from someone I should blog. So, here I am...

So, I am sure ya read the title, and are wondering. Well..... two of the kids got sick on days we were doing Halloween things. Maddie started the festivities out right before we were going to the zoo for their halloween thing there. I think I was more upset than she was. She sprayed the whole backseat though. Right after we picked up my neice. It was horrible. I took her back to Rion's and begged for Febreze from my Sister. So she didn't get to go. Which totally upset me and I almost started crying. I tried to make daddy's sound like fun... but she was the most excited of all of them to go... and I felt so bad just leaving her here in town.

But we went. Come hell or high water we were going to the zoo. Only now, it was only 4 kids in tow.

Here are some pics of the day.

THE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE MACAWS

Lexie wouldn't let me take her pic... so I have little to no pics of her during the whole outing. So it's just pics of my Neice and Reagan and Ian

Since we are on birds... I wanted to post these pics :)

Now, my girlie Diana knows how much I love that little pink birdie... I always talk her ear off about them. That's my favorite bird in the whole wide world. I think it's the prettiest thing I have ever saw. And I guess it gets bonus points cuz it's PINK... and if ya can't tell, I have a thing for pink lately ;) Anyway... I got close enough I coulda probably touched it. Literally like 3 inches away. I bet he LOOOOVED my camera. But how could I resist such a great photo opportunity. It's a Galah, if you were wondering what it was called. They are native to Australia. I always tell her she needs to mail one to me... but Aus has strict laws and she would go to prison if they ever caught her. Soooooo, looks like I have to open a zoo up to get one of these cuties. :)

Anyway, on to pukey #2. That would be my little Lexie Boo. She puked in the car while we were trick or treating. It was a real blast. She just kinda got sick on her outfit just more like spitup... but she's too big for that stuff. We were gonna go home, but she was really upset, and we had only been to like 2 houses. We figured if it was like Maddie (who only got sick that one time that day, and then never again... poor thing) So we just kept going.

We also went to my mom's house to see the Punkins. This year they had 200 of them. And they were AWESOME. Here are some pics of them:

A COLLAGE OF A BUNCH OF THEM

...

...

oh and now the costumes :) Can't forget that:

CLICK HERE FOR MY FOUR MONSTERS

I wanted Reagan to go as more like Elvira... but Christopher has other plans LOL!! She wanted to be spooky, and I think my DH did a wonderful job making her like that ;)

and another:

MY SCARY MONSTERS

it was a great couple of days :) Minus the puking, we all had a ball ;)

Thanks for readin ;)

Dear Mister Porn Spammer

2005-10-29T01:44:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to tell you how much you brightened my day when you spammed my tagboard with a link to a site with such vibrantly colored, and detailed pics. Pics I would be oh-so-proud to show my 5 year old. It was so wonderful to get a message from one of my friends that said she could no longer use her name on my tagboard, because I had banned it. Why did I ban it? because you borrowed her IP and I didn't know about it. That was sure sweet of you, I hope you don't mind, but I don't think she wants it back now that you had it for the day. Please don't be offended.

After you borrowed her IP I starting thinking that you might get tired of hers, and want some new numbers to look at. So I called my ISP to help you out, and see if you could have my old one. I patiently waited online while they kept me on hold for 20 mins. They were probably talking to other people you shared IPs from... trying to get them to understand something that I already did. You didn't mean to make someone cry because all of the sudden all of their friends and family had their IP blocked. Their family is probably stuck up and doesn't like super special visitors anyway, and their family is probably graphically challenged as well, and doesn't allow any pictures whatsoever on their PCs. They live sheltered lives.

After my tech had me reset my modem, so I could give you my IP (shhh, it was supposed to be a super special present. I was gonna tell you at Christmas)... he decided that my modem needed to be traded in for a different one. For some reason my modem had grown attached to my IP addy, and it was really upset I wanted to give it away.

So, with modem packed up, I drive all of the way across town to the cable company. I would like to thank you for the trip. Even though I get motion sickness, and have small children who cry during long car rides, I always love to go on them... and I really didn't need that quarter tank of gas anyway. I always try to make a habit of wasting gas for no reason... especially when it's almost $2.50 a gallon.

I get there and leave my daughter with her daddy to play "race car" in the front seat while I go in to speak with the tech and get my new modem. You know how kids are... they looooove to be in cars for long, extended periods of time. Almost as much as they like tearing up lobbies at places like the Cable Company. But I digress.

I know it wasn't your fault that the lady at the desk didn't know anything about Static IPs, but she was ever so helpful by calling a tech up to talk to me in person about them. I know you would have been proud of her. She pointed to the seats across the room, and told me the tech would come and help me as soon as he could.

The seats were pleasantly as hard as tree stumps, but it didn't matter to me. I waited patiently for my personal techie to come help me. I didn't even care that my back started to hurt from sitting there, because I was there for almost an hour. I knew it would be worth the wait. After all, I really really wanted to give you my IP address so you didn't have to feel so guilty about borrowing it.

My techie came out and chatted with me for a brief minute about static IPs, and then he sent me on my way. My daughter was so excited to see me. Almost as much as I was her... after all I swear she grew 3 inches while I was in the cable company. But I know it wasn't your fault I had to wait so long. I know if you were there, you would have helped me right away. Because we all know how much you are into helping people. We can all see it with the trail of bliss you leave behind after every trip you make thru Cyberspace.

I know you didn't have anything to do with the accident we were almost in on the way home either. It's a great thing my DH has lightning quick senses, especially to drive on a highway he never drives. And I am sure you would be happy to know there wasn't a car beside us when we had to swerve into the other lane to avoid hitting the car in front of us. But I am getting off track. I really meant to be writing thanks to you... not talking about my near death experience.

When I got home I rushed to my PC to install my new modem. I just couldn't wait to get back online so I could let you know that you were more than welcome to have my old IP addy now. I didn't need it anymore. I am sure you are so saddened that it took me over 2 hours to install the thing, and even with tech support over the phone the darn thing didn't wanna connect. I am sure you were waiting at my website, excited to share more pics with me. I am sorry I couldn't make it. It really wasn't my fault. I hope you aren't too disappointed. I am sure you probably waited with all of my other friends online, who all needed to get ahold of me as well, but didn't know where I was.

My amazing husband hung up after almost an hour on the phone with the tech people, and amazingly he got it to work. I went to my site to find you, but forgot I removed the tagboard so you might not know how to reach me now.

Anyway, it's late, and I should go. I have to go lay in a nice comfy waterbed with my loving husband. I hope you can sleep as well as I do knowing that every single day....

YOU RUIN PEOPLE'S FUCKING LIVES, YOU LOW LIFE SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT JACKASS!!! I HOPE SOMEONE LOCKS YOU IN A CLOSET AND LETS YOU ROT THERE. FOREVER!!! GO TO FUCKING HELL!!! FUCKING LOSER PIECE OF SHIT ASS WIPE!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I feel better

Oh BTW...

2005-10-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

I opened up the comments on the blog, so that anyone who doesn't have a blogger acct can comment now ;) If ya don't have a blogger acct., please remember to leave a URL or a name so I can get back to ya ;)

This doesn't mean if yer an assface you can come along and leave comments on my blog that I find offensive or rude. They will be deleted

Hugs,

A "Busy" Third of the Month

2005-10-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

I found this really cool site on how to monitor your ovulation patterns, and I snagged the pic to keep on my harddrive, just so I could count everything out when I needed to. It's nice to see it all in picture form, I am a very visual person. I also didn't realize that a woman is fertile for like a third of the month... I thought it was less than that. A third of the month is hard to keep up with LOL!!

Well... so anyway, This is my "third" of the month LOL!! I have been keeping my DH very busy. LOL!! He keeps telling me "I'm not a machine...." He says he doesn't understand how I can go from never ever wanting it, to wanting it 6 days in a row HA HA HA HA. I remember after my first miscarriage, it wasn't hard to get me in the mood at all. All he would have to say was "Wanna make a baby?" and look at me with his pretty blue eyes, and I would melt and practically run to the bedroom LOL!! Guess this is payback LOL!! I am bound and determined LOL!!

A Real Life Ghost Story

2005-10-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

This is a TRUE STORY... Even if yer a skeptic, read it... it will be worth yer time ;)

When my ex had just moved out and I was all of the sudden a single mother of three small children (3 yo-5mos). I think half of me was just plain delusional and the other half in denial that he really left. I mean, after all... how would he leave me with the responsibility of three kids he helped father?

So anyway, I was laying in bed one night and it was really late. And as I lay there, in my second story apartment, I hear a "scratch, scratch, scratch" above me... like something was scratching on the roof. To my knowledge, there were no trees remotely close to that part of the roof... I had no idea what it was, but it wouldn't go away.

scratch, scratch, scratch

...

scratch, scratch, scratch

As I lay there tossing, becoming increasingly aware of this sound, I started to get very anxious and nervous. I didn't have a phone to call someone to calm me down. So I just lay there still in bed, trying not to even hear myself breathe.

scratch, scratch, scratch

I could not for the life of me figure out what this sound was, but I was starting to get scared. And it was only getting louder.

My kids... all I could worry about was my kids. Maddie lay at my feet in her basinette... so little and helpless. She was only 5 mos old... and totally relied solely on her momma for help if she needed anything.

It grew louder.

scratch, scratch, scratch

Reagan and Ian sleep peacefully in the next room not knowing of anything going awry.... but they too needed their momma for basically everything. I was beginning to panic

scratch, scratch, scratch

What was I gonna do? and what was that sound. Someone was up there scratching on something. I knew that's what it was now... but why? Why would they be in the attic, or rafters, or whatever the place had? And why did they choose MY apartment to scratch over. Were they scratching INTO my house? Was the deadbolt really too hard to get thru?

The entrance to the attic was right outside my apartment door. I couldn't risk fleeing out that door if there was someone who came into my apartment. After all, what are the odds that this menacing killer, or horrible rapist, or whatever he wanted to do with my family, that he didn't have a partner... a lookout. Someone posted right outside my door. Right at the bottom of the Attic entrance. I had to think fast.

scratch, scratch, scratch

I lay there in absolute fright... my eyes concentrating on the ceiling right where the scratch was getting louder and louder. I was gonna grab Maddie and bolt the minute I saw the plaster start falling from the ceiling onto my bed. But until then, I lay frozen in fear

louder. LOUDER. LOUDER
scratch, scratch, scratch

My plan. What was my plan?!?! My Kids depended on me. It's sink or swim. I needed to save them.

scratch, scratch, scratch

I would grab Maddie, and run across the hall to Reagan and Ian. They had toddler beds. I was gonna throw the mattresses to the ground below... and then jump out. Reagan would hold Maddie, and drop her down to me, and then both the other kids would drop down to me as well

scratch, scratch, scratch

I was starting to work up a mild sweat as I lay waiting for my time to come. I would save my babies. I would save myself. I would not be murdered in my bedroom. I would never let him hurt us.

scratch, scratch, scratch

OMG what if Reagan wouldn't do it? What if she wouldn't hold Maddie for me to jump down first? What if it was too far down and the kids wouldn't jump to me? What if I jumped and was safe, and then the maniac got to my kids before I could convince them to jump? How would I live with myself? This plan was NOT going to work.

scratch, scratch, scratch

I would drop the mattresses down, and then I would drop Reagan and Ian down on the mattresses, and hope they just didn't get hurt too bad. Then I would jump with Maddie in my arms and hope that she didn't get hurt either. It was all about keeping my kids safe. I would save my kids. This murderer would NOT hurt us.

scratch, scratch, scratch

This was my plan. I couldn't wait to grab Maddie until I saw plaster falling. I got up and grabbed my sweet innocent child who was sleeping so peacefully, and I took her ever so quietly into the kids' bedroom. I sat down with her in my lap, careful not to wake any of them. I would be ready when he came. Ready to save us all.

Even from the other room I could hear the scratches if I strained my ears. It was much quieter in the kids' room and I was surrounded by my little children... who had NO IDEA what was about to happen.

scratch, scratch, scratch

I sit with my back against the wall, ready for the intruder. And I wait.

and wait...

and wait...

and wait.

I can barely hear the scratching over the breathing of my children

scratch, scratch, scratch

It's almost an hour later, and I am still waiting... and still hearing scratching... but now I can't tell if the scratching is in my head because I heard it for so long, or if the serial killer is still scratching his way into my apartment still.

scratch, scratch, scratch

My eyes are getting so hard to keep open. They sting and feel sticky I have been awake for so long. They were heavy and I felt like it was all in my power I could do to keep them open.

I would just rest them a bit but still listen carefully for any sounds in the apartment. Still listen for someone falling thru the ceiling and onto my waterbed in the other room. I would hear anything that happened, and I would save my kids.

I rested them for so long.....

that I fell asleep.

Exhausted, Delirious, and Delusional.

I woke up the next morning with the kids all happy that I slept in their room. How exciting that Mommy came to sleep with us... they were dancing around me. And Maddie even got to sleep with them too. How special was that?!?! Reagan couldn't contain her excitement.

If they only knew *rolls eyes in embarrassment*

I'm a Cool Mom

2005-10-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

I got told by two of my friends online today that I am a "cool mom" and someone was even kind enough to say that if she was younger, she would want me as a mom *giggles*

from Birgit at PK for my Pixel Pal... she was so sweet to make me something for Reagan

Anyway, today was Reagan's 8th birthday. It was a great day for her. I am so glad she had fun. We didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't take her somewhere special... so I did what I always do when I am in a crunch... I creatively solve the problem.

I made her a scavenger hunt.

14 clues, hidden around the house and outside. I even sent her an email from "The Birthday Express" to give her a special link to where I uploaded a bunch of pages for her for part of her scavenger hunt. One page had her name spelled out R- Radical, E-Extra Special, and so forth... and then another page had a bunch of pics of her, and then she had to click thru the pics to find words, and then she had to unscramble the words, to find her next sentence for her next clue. She absolutely had a blast. I was grinning ear to ear the whole time... almost as much as she was.
here are some quick pics... yeah, yeah... that's my huge bubble writing on the envelope. I can't help it, I am a girlie girl.

we took her everywhere... she went in the shower, the fridge, the dryer, under one of the hallway runners, outside on her bike, in the grill.... a bunch of other places. It was so much fun. She was running around as fast as she could trying to find the next clue. I hope she had as much fun as I did.

The last clue gave her a keyring full of keys (I think only something like 5, maybe it was less) and we made her go to the car and figure out which key unlocked it. This is what she was searching for.

I put all of her presents and cards in there. She has asked for a locker for months... this was the next best thing... a chest that locks ;) Cuz her bad naughty siblings don't know how to keep their grubby paws off of things. They are young enough that locks work on them LOL!! When I was growing up, my sister and I used to just unscrew the hinges and take the whole hinge off... and then we could get in and raid everything "cool." (yeah yeah... I am sure my kids will pay me back with something worse. Isn't that what yer mom always says "One day, you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU.....")

Her biological dad didn't even call her until 11:45 pm. I had to get her outta bed. What a fucking loser. My DH thinks he's on his way to trying to get custody, but that's a different story, for a different time... and won't be a chance in hell he will ever do it.

Anyway, so the point is... I'm a cool mom... and even with no money, yer kids can have a marvelous birthday :) And I came up with the idea all by my lonesome... I am so proud.

So Here's to Reagan... she's 8 years old today!! Gawd, I feel old LOL!!

LOL That'll Teach Me....

2005-10-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

It's 30 degrees cooler today.. and right now we are sitting at a whopping 52 degrees. Gotta love the midwest. We have the weirdest weather. LOL!!

A bit of Summmer, Autumn, AND Winter

2005-10-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

I got to talking to a friend of mine today about the weather, and how crazy it's been this year. Usually by now, we have frost advisories, and are heading straight into snow. But as I sit here at 7:30pm, we are sitting at 84 degrees outside. I am fighting turning on the air... which I really refuse to do cuz it's halfway into October.

Anyway, we got to talking about crazy weather, and I brought up what they are calling "The Storm of the Century" (and actually 2 centuries) in my area. It hit right after Reagan was born. She was born on the 20th, and the storm hit October 24th, dropping over a foot of snow on us in less than 24 hours. My little baby was only 4 days old.

The storm started with rain, and turned into ice... and it hit before all of the leaves fell off the trees, so the heavy rain/ice/snow clung to all of the trees and pulled them to the ground. I have never seen so many uprooted trees in my area in my life. It was crazy.

I woke up at 2am to a thundering CRASH in my front yard. I ran to the front of the house to see what it was. I hadn't ever heard anything so loud. I struggled to see thru the iced over windows, and finally saw that a big part of the tree had fallen in my front yard. Right next to my neighbor's car.

I ran upstairs to wake my neighbor. "Move your car, move your car from underneath the tree... I think the rest of it's gonna fall... and I would hate for your car to be under it when it does." She thanked me for telling her, and she rushed to get clothes on and hurried out to get her car moved into the street.

When I woke up the next morning, he car had half a tree on top of it... I felt so bad. And the driveway where her car had been sitting, nothing but snow. I felt horrible.

My street was blocked in... we had huge trees fall at both ends of the block... these aren't little trees either... they were trees that stood for hundreds of years. Right down the street a massive pine tree fell down in the street. After closer inspection, you could see nothing other than a car, hidden under the pines. All covered by more snow.

The most amazing thing about the whole storm... the whole city lost power... there were thousands and thousands of people without power. The blocks around us for miles didn't have power. But for some small miracle, our block had been spared. We were the only block within miles that never lost power. I don't know about the whole city, as the roads were impassable, and I wasn't about to leave anywhere with my new little helpless baby at home... but most of the city lost power... if it wasn't just for a brief minute. and some people didn't even have power for about 10 days. TEN DAYS WITHOUT POWER. Because of some SNOW! I can't help but to think that something up there, way up there, was looking down on my little 4 day old baby, and saved her from the cold... and spared us our electricity. It truly was amazing.

If ya would like to see some pictures or read a bit more about the storm... CLICK HERE

Anyway, It's getting so pretty here. I had to share pics. These bushes are usually bright green.. but in Autumn they get all purdy-like :) And no snow in sight ;)

Happy Autumn,

Recent Ramblings

2005-10-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

Reagan is gonna be 8 in three days. I can't believe that. We are taking her bowling on Saturday, cuz that's what she said she wanted to do. I offered to take 2 other kids from her class as well... We will see how that pans out. I have never taken her bowling before (she has went once with her dad), and I thought this might be a "grown up" thing she would like. She's at that stage where she doesn't like to do anything unless it's "grown up."

This time of year is crazy for us... cuz the two of the girls have Bdays in October, and then Halloween... and then of course Thanksgiving, and Xmas... then January we have three bdays. LOL!! Looks like when hormones are raging we just seemed to forget about any family planning LOL!! Cuz I woulda never done this on purpose HA HA HA

Anyway, I have been drawing like mad trying to put some new things up at my purchaseware site. Here are just a few of the sigtags I made:

I really like how they turned out... I added more, but these are my current favs LOL!! Check them out if ya have some time ;) I am trying to make some premades too... cuz I haven't updated those for a long time LOL!!

Hugs,

The Trainwreck that is Danger

2005-10-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a nightmare. By farthest the hardest day since I have went thru this whole ordeal. I cried so much last night my eyes were swollen shut when I woke up and I could barely open them. I went in the bathroom and squinted at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even recognize myself. My eyes were so swollen. I have never cried that much in my life.

My DH wanted to go to a friend's house last night and do some drinking and play some poker. I am not a big drinker, but I was like what the hey... get outta the house for a couple of hours.

Except this wasn't a couple of hours :

We go over at like almost 11pm, and Lesley has this awesome dinner prepared for everyone. I thought it was a bit late to be cooking, but they are all young (I think we were by far the oldest ones there) and she lives on a really weird schdule right now because of her job. So we ate. It was all wonderful.

We migrate downstairs after everything is put away and stuff, and they start playing poker and watching wrestling. I DO NOT, and don't think I ever will understand wrestling. Just a bunch of guys with mullets in jumpsuits faking everthing in some manly over coreographed testosterone blitz for an hour. Sounds like a blast. I am more of a realist I guess. If you want some fantasy, watch General Hospital, or Young and the Restless. At least they don't claim to be real and shout at each other for 5 minutes before the show starts.

Anyway, they don't smoke in the house, so everyone was taking shifts to go upstairs to smoke... and it made for a very very slow game of poker... eventually the girls kicked out and gave away their chips and then there weren't many people playing so they all just decided they would sit around and watch some Mullet Boys fling themselves into each other and break chairs over their heads.

Then that got boring. (Was it ever interesting??) and they shut it off

A Few Good Men was on the TV after they shut the DVD player off, and somehow I got sucked in. I can't believe I had never saw that movie... it musta been a third of the way into the movie when I started watching it, but I got sucked in and didn't realize I was the only one downstairs until it was so far into the movie that I didn't wanna shut it off. I can't believe how young Tom Cruise looks in that movie.

The movie ends, and I just kinda sat there. I didn't know if I wanted to just fall asleep (I was at my husband's mercy as to when we would be leaving) and I was tired and the sectional looked OH SO COMFY. So I lie there.

But then I wasn't tired.

Go figure.

I get up and go upstairs and I sit on the couch in the living room waiting for them to come back inside from smoking... but apparently it's good convo out there, and one of the girls who was still awake has taken a blanket out there and they are just hanging out and chatting out on the balcony. It was too cold to go outside for me... so I just sit there and wait.

And wait

and wait

Tried going to sleep up there, but it wasn't working. I kept thinking about a bunch of stuff, and my mind was too restless and it wouldn't stop churning.

I then realized it was after midnight (it was actually closer to 2:30 or 3am I think) and now it's officially "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day." I realized that I never even knew there was a Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day until I became one of the statistics to cause them to create such a day. And the only reason I know is because I had something horrible happen to me... and people told me about this day to try to help me cope or whatever. But it doesn't help you cope, it just helps you dwell on the fact that you lost a baby

A reason to dwell on the fact that something shitty happened to you. I can't believe people want that?!

I was now in a really somber mood, and almost in tears, but I refused to make a scene at someone else's house and ruin my husband's night out. He hardly ever gets a real night out where he can chill out for as long as he wants... and I didn't wanna cut him short.

They came in quite a bit later and I had just been dwelling on everything, and by now I had wiped several tears from my face as I as I sat there watching them be drunk idiots. I still wasn't saying anything. I just closed my eyes and let them think I was sleeping on the couch.

It's 5am and my DH finally decides it's time to go home and I have to drive cuz "Vodka Surprise" has turned my husband into a giddy idiot who is laughing at everything around him.

I cried all of the way home. The kind of tears that just roll down your face, but you aren't sobbing or anything. Just kind of silent tears. I tried so hard not to let my DH see me, but I know he did.

We get home, and it's time for bed, and I am laying down and it's not getting better. I didn't want to keep him up, so I go out in the living room with blanket and pillow in tow, and I sit on the couch and started sobbing. I put my pillow over my face it was so bad... I was trying so hard to be quiet so he didn't have to listen to me. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Like the kind of crying in the movies when something absolutely horrible has happened. The kind of crying I never thought was real until last night.

I'm not sad anymore for my loss though... I am downright angry.

I am so pissed that I will never know for sure WHY it happened. Why me?? Why my baby? The fact that I can't know is driving me up the wall. And the frustration just makes me more pissed off... and then I am so angry at myself for being angry that I start crying. I am a mess... but I don't know how else to describe it. And more importantly, I don't know how to fix it. I want it all to go away. I am really not this type of person. I keep telling my DH if I knew how to make it go away, I woulda done it weeks ago. But I don't know how. And even THAT is making me angry too.

I know Anger is part of the whole grieving process... but I hate being an angry person. I am one of those people who usually looks for the best of things... or is always calm cool and collected... and if I am pissed off about something.. I usually say my peace and be done with it... and most times, when I have said whatever I needed to, it's without malice, and stating the facts about why whoever fucked up is a moron and how they need to fix it. I hardly ever yell... but right now I just wanna scream.

I want someone to blame.

And I will never have that. And THAT makes me angry.

I woke up this morning and felt like a train ran over my face. I put ice on my eyes, but even right now they are still a bit swollen.

I told a friend on IM today... she asked me how my night out was (she was talking to me as I was getting ready last night) and I told her it was a nightmare, and the night turned into a big mess. I said the only thing good about last night was that it pretty much guaranteed that today HAD to be better..... because I really don't think it coulda got worse. Today is about over for me, and I was right. It was better. Hopefully it will continue to do so.

Well I'll Be..........

2005-10-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

Conferences for Reagan and Ian were today. I was up til after 6:30am this morning cleaning, so I took a nap right before conferences. I was DREADING going because Ian has been in so much trouble in school. I get stress headaches just thinking about Ian's school career thus far.

So I go in and wait my turn at Reagan's teacher's table... and we start conferences and everything is perfect. She's a wonderful writer, bright future... blah blah blah. She's perfect here, perfect there, has the best grades she could possibly get. And then we get to Math.

She failed the district test for math comprehension.

SHE DID WHAT?!?!

This is a girl who is in Diff. everything. She has the best grades she can have (including Math). They grade on a 1-4, 4 being the highest, and she has 4s in all of her subjects. She is one of the brightest in her class. The teacher is gonna retest her because she thinks that Reagan didn't follow the directions. That's nice... Talk about a shocker.

We finish up the conference about Reagan, and I mention I am glad that it all went well... as I have to go to her younger brother's right after this one... and I am sure it won't go as well as Reagan's. She tells me to take a breather, and relax, cuz she's sure it will be okay ;) She must not know my son LOL!!

I leave the gym and go to the library to where Ian's teacher is waiting. I remember just wanting to run away. I sat down and listened to her talk.

"He's been doing so well these last couple of weeks......."

HUH??

Did I hear that right??

Is she talking about MY Ian??

She goes on about how one day he just decided he was gonna be a "good boy" at school (probably the same day I told him if he didn't straighten his butt up in school I would take his teacher and alla his friends away and I would homeschool his butt and I would MAKE SURE it wouldn't be any fun) and since then he's been great to work with.

And even more amazingly, she said he's so smart in Math that (pending his attitude) she wants to move him to Diff. Math

SAY WHAT?!?!

I had to hold back tears. And I am sure I was BEAMING with pride as she went on and on about my son and how well he is doing in her class now. He still has "episodes" but she curttails them by writing fake notes to other teachers and having him "be a helper" and go deliver them to the teacher. She said she has three boys in her class she has to do this for... and that it really does keep their little attitudes in check.

I left the conferences with so much lifted off my shoulders. I was so proud that as I walked down the hall with a BIG SMILE on my face, and I had to hold back tears. Ian wasn't being a little monster in the classroom anymore. And besides the test that Reagan didn't follow directions on, she is doing so well in all of her Diff. classes, and she is really one of the brightest in her class. It was a good day :)

I got to the truck and started bawling... but this time, it was tears of happiness. So much tension just floated away. My son wasn't a kid that his teacher dreaded seeing anymore. I wouldn't have to homeschool him. I think hell just froze over and the devil can't find a snowsuit... but either way, I don't care what it is... I just want it to stay this way.

My Spectacular Lexie Boo

2005-10-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

Lexie is just about three years old. To be more precise, she will be three on January 9th. And she does AMAZING THINGS.

The other night we were at a friend's house and she was playing on the computer. She wanted to look up "fish" on Google. So we look them up, and she is happy and content using the scroller mouse to scroll up and down the pages clicking on the pictures she likes the most. She knows how to use the back arrow to go back to the Google search, and she knows how to use the red X to close the window she doesn't want open anymore.

Did I mention she is still TWO?!

My DH's best friend remarks "Wow, she can operate that thing better than my mom." At first I thought that was totally sarcastic and insulting to his mom (which they happen to crack on often anyway)... but then he said he was serious... that it took him forever to explain how to close a window out to his mom... and she didn't even know what the "red X" was. It made me think.

I could never imagine being that technologically advanced at her age. We didn't even have a computer. My school didn't get a computer in the library until I was in like 5th grade. Now people have them all over. LOL!! We have TWO in my living room. LOL!!

Lexie can X a window out, she can use the scroller mouse, and she can totally navigate my Photo Bucket acct. Even go between folders and back to the main window. She is familiar with Google, and she knows how to click on all of the pretty pictures there. She is a total amazement to me.

Not to mention she is really darn cute. LOL

I guess all this knowledge she has though... it doesn't keep her from being two. This is her latest mishap.

CLICK HERE

That was Maddie's Birthday Cake... before Maddie even got to see it. Nice, huh? Gotta Love Kids.

A Walk To Remember

2005-10-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

At the service today (which was overly religious IMO, but it was beautiful nonetheless) we read this poem outloud before we walked to the gravesite. I couldn't read it, and my DH just held me as I sobbed while others around me recited the eloquent words. I thought I would share it, as it really is a beautiful poem.

A Walk to Remember

I walk to remember--
The Steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me--
As I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago,
Before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew--
Like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became--
Kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
About the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then--
When you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world--
That would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining--
Blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning--
The snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer--
Would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen--
Would have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me--
Holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could--
More than I could imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now,
As though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled little one--
And my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart,
As I firmly plant my feet.

-Kathie Mayo, 1986

They planted a tree at the cemetery in memory of all of the children who has passed on. We wrote our babies' names on slips of paper, and then dropped the paper in the hole where the tree will be planted, so that they could "become one" with the tree. The tree will shade the foot of the plot where all of our babies will rest. It was so sad. All of these women, all of these families. Some big, some small... all in one place for one thing... a loss of one (and sometimes more than one) child. They gave us two tulip bulbs to take home to plant in memory of our child. I am kind of scared to plant them... as I always have had a BLACK thumb, and I would be devastated if I happened to kill them... but I am determined to find out how to make them flourish... as I think it really would be beautiful to have tulips in the spring.

Something a bit eerie about the whole ceremony though, that almost bothered me were these two women (one with her husband beside her) they allowed to speak and share their stories. The first one had not lost a baby this year... her child had died almost 3 years before, during her labor at full term, and she delivered her stillborn. Her daughter was born just 5 days before Alexis, and ironically her name was Alexa. I thought that was a bit chilling. Then, the second woman came up to speak, and she starts talking about having a normal pregnancy until at 20 weeks they could find no heartbeat. She was induced and also delivered her daughter stillborn... which they named Reagan. I was floored when she said her daughter's name... as I don't hear a lot of people naming their daughter this... and I almost got chills down my spine when I realized the two stories that had been shared today shared likenesses to the names I chose for my children. I realize Alexis is a rather common name now... but I hardly ever hear Reagan at all. It made me realize that every life is really precious, and a miracle. Their stories could have been MY babies they were talking about. *I* could have been up there with a story about MY Reagan, or MY Lexie. I couldn't even imagine. This is hard enough not even knowing the sex of the baby, and never seeing my child... but to be able to actually hold your baby, and name him or her, just to let them go for eternity... I really could never imagine. I will be thinking of all of those families tonight when I go to sleep. May they all find solace and closure soon, as I hope I can too. Today has been an extremely hard one.

I got more

2005-10-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

To say AND to show off LOL!! I almost forgot LOL!!!

Melly... my ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE graphic artist in the CGC had a sale this past weekend... and me, being a total addict, bought as much as my grubby little paws could get. LOL!! Here are a couple of the sigtags I bought:

AREN'T THEY FREAKING CUTE??? And what's better that they have MY NAME on them *giggles* I could look at my pretties forever. My Sissy, Tammy even gifted me two other ones as well. Cuz she knows how addicted I am and she's sweet like that!! :) Now I have SEVEN Ginger Tags!! I AM IN HEAVEN!!! Melly probably thinks I am a nut LOL!! She's one of the very few in the CGC I could say that I stalk, and want about everything she makes LOL!!

I now own almost all of her Ginger collections as well (I think I am missing 2? Maybe it's only 1)... I use them to do the kids' scrapbook site online (it's hidden... so only the elite *giggles* know what I am talking about). Every page I have made is done with a Ginger set, except I think 2... and that was cuz I didn't have the sets then that I do now :) I even went and took pics of the kids with ice cream cones just cuz Melly made this absolutely adorable ice cream parlor set I thought would be great with pics of the kids. I am in Ginger Heaven!! It's almost better than Chocolate and Sex in the same night LOL!!

And speaking of pics of the kids... we had a beautiful monarch come visit the INSIDE of our house the other day... and I totally saw a photo op the minute it started fluttering around my living room. Here are some of my favorite shots:

I took out a stray couple of hairs by her nose, and I softened it and gave it a sepia look

And here are some other random ones:

this is one of the first pics of her I have where her eyes are squinted shut LOL!!

This is a cool shot of the butterfly flying away ;)

And some random pics of the monarch by itself (hover for descriptions):

Thanks for looking. I have a whole album posted... if you would like to see more, email me ;) I will send ya the link :) (don't forget to remove the AT and replace with a @)

Part II

2005-10-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Anyway, let me continue my rant from my previous post.

I went to go on a walk, but it never happened... I had to go get the kids as they were all riding bikes with my DH in the empty parking lot next to my house. I proceeded to walk up there and start yelling at him again. I think I have yelled at him like 3 times today over this... but I refuse to just let them get walked all over. My kids will have a voice, and I will make my opinion known. I don't yell often either, I learned most times all it does is piss people off... but today I was absolutely furious. And I won't stand there and let someone treat my kids like crap... I don't care if it's someone I married or not.

I think he got the point that I am sick of the shit today because he knows I am serious when I say my children will not be leaving (he wants to send Ian to military school where he can "get the discipline he needs"), and I will not be leaving... and if he really does think his life has been ruined or whatever trash he wants to spout out then he can get the hell out. I was a single mom before, and I guess if it means that my children grow up in a healthy environment, I will do it again. I love my husband with all of my heart... but I love my children even more. I don't make empty threats, and he knows this... so I guess we will see if the shit stops and gets better... let's hope it does ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a lighter note... we went movie shopping for Maddie and Reagan's birthdays today, and ended up with some awesome movies for cheap. My kids go thru movies where they wanna watch them solid for a month, and then after that they never wanna look at them again, so I always buy them second hand, cuz I am not spending $20 on a movie they will stop watching in a month. We hit up 2 pawn shops, and ended up with a bunch of movies. The list goes something like this:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone (I thought we had this, but my DH informed me we didn't)
Scooby Doo
The Incredibles
Shark Tale
Pagemaster (we had this before, but they watched it so much the tape went bad... this time it's a DVD LOL)
Inspector Gadget 2 (VHS)
Blues Musical Movie (VHS)- this was for Lexie LOL

The first four I got for $20... I thought that was awesome. Two of them were Collectors Editions, and came with 2 DVDs. $5 for a movie isn't bad at all... especially when renting them it's about $4 LOL!!

We also broke down and bought a DVD player for the kids room... from a pawn shop as well. I figure if they are gonna break the damn thing, I might as well only spend $30 on it, and then I am not out a ton of money LOL!! It's an itty bitty thing... I can't believe how thin they make those things now. Hopefully we can put it up high enough that the bratty brats will stay away from it. We have their TV mounted on the ceiling, so they can't pour water on it (that's how they ruined the last TV... wonderful, huh?)... so hopefully we can fit the DVD player in the bracket somehow too ;)

My kids will never be ugly step children

2005-10-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up it was painstakingly obvious who my mom's favorite was. I was 15 mos older than my sister, but for some reason... her curfew was later, she was allowed to do more things, and she stayed up later than I did... and that's just a small glimpse into my childhood. When I was 15 years old, I still had to be inside by the time the streetlights came on. My sister was allowed to come home at 10pm. In a way, I guess I should be glad my mom was like that. It made me a stronger person, and it also kept the reigns tight, so I never experimented with drugs or alcohol like my sister did. After all... people in high school aren't out drinking before the sun sets. Especially out in the country. They wait for it to get dark and then set massive bon fires out in abandoned fields, and party out in the darkness.

Anyway... my point is, when I was growing up, I remember thinking how unfair it was that my sister got to do everything, and I got nothing. I have made my own money since I was 14, and my sister never had to have a job until she moved out. She was a drill leader, costing my mom $300 for her costume... but if I wanted to do anything, I was informed I better pick up extra hours from work... because my mom would not be shelling out for anything I wanted. I remember feeling afraid to even ask for money to join something in school, cuz I knew I would get a lecture about how we were poor and how dare I even think about asking... muchless to actually have the nerve to do so... it didn't matter that my sister just got $300 for a band uniform or not. She even made me pay for my own hygeine products, but would pay for my sister to have Pantene, and all of the other frilly stuff. Her excuse for not paying for my shampoo and conditioner? My sister's hair was shorter than mine... so she didn't use as much as I did. Whatever.

And now I have my own children. Four beautiful (but sometimes trying) children. I bust my ass to make sure everything is fair, and "even" between them... even down to cutting muffins in half so one can't say to the other that he or she got the bigger half. I remember how it was to get the short end of the stick time and time again. So I try damned hard not to be like that for my children. But my husband has other ideas.

He thinks children don't belong in the living room. He was raised that the living room was not a place for children. I wasn't raised like that... in fact, the living room was basically my sister's and mine, and we did with it what we wanted. My mom and dad entertained company downstairs in the pool room. And the living room was for our friends (for which I never dared to bring home, because they were always too old, the wrong color, or my mom always had something else she hated about them). But this is basically the exact opposite with my DH.

Anyway, when I say "children" don't belong... I mean to say the ones he didn't help create. MY children to him consist of the ones I came into this relationship with... not the one I have given birth to since then. He thinks since I already have three... why do I need to care about another one... and she's easily disposable, and it won't matter to me if she isn't around. What are you supposed to say to something like that? It's like he's trying to say that my mom was right. Like I shouldn't matter... and my youngest child deserves all of the finest and the best, but the other children deserve porridge and rags. I am absolutely going crazy over this.

I mean, I know... I have no idea how it is to take care of three kids 24/7 that are not your flesh and blood. I don't even pretend to understand. And I know he makes damn sure that Lexie doesn't get left out of everything... and left in the dust. But in his eagerness to make sure she has everything she wants, he just totally brushes my other kids to the side.

Even his family has said something to me that he's so harsh with the kids. They will run up to him to give him hugs, and the first thing outta his mouth is "get the hell off of me" as he brushes them off his leg like lint. I mean, I understand being stressed out in family situations when you are visiting someone else's house, but stuff like that shouldn't happen.

And today, he goes outside to talk on the phone with a friend, and Lexie follows him out there... but then when Maddie and Reagan try to do the same... it's like they run into a brick wall.... and they are even easier to watch outside than Lexie is. So I don't understand. He starts counting to 3 and demands they come inside. They both come inside upset crying about why Lexie gets to play outside but they don't... and why?

I am rambling... I am gonna take a walk with them... I am so pissed off I could spit. I will finish this in a bit.

'Tis October Already

2005-10-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

October is such a busy month. Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Down Syndrome Awareness Month. Reagan's Birthday, Madison's Birthday. Halloween.

And the funeral.

The hospital does a mass funeral for everyone who has ever miscarried this last year, and they do it right before the 15th (which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day). They have a service and bury your baby's remains (in its own box) in a mass grave. She said they send you home with a flower bulb, so you can plant a perrenial in your child's memory. It's all supposed to be really nice, but I have mixed feelings about it. The funeral is on Sunday the 9th... which happens to fall on the same day as Maddie's birthday. *sigh*

When I miscarried, October 9th seemed so far away. I was taking every day one at a time... and October felt like a million years away. How time flies. I can't believe how fast it all has went.

When I realized it was October, my stomach turned into knots. I am not ready for October. I am not ready for the funeral. I am not ready to be encompassed in sadness. I don't want to bury my baby. I know some may feel like it wasn't a real baby since he or she was never born, but my baby had already developed hands and feet, fingers and toes. My baby could kick and swallow. My baby was... well, a baby. You should never have to bury your child. It's heartbreaking.

On a lighter note... my friend Michael has decided he is coming up on the 8th. We met online several years ago, and I had the pleasure to finally meet him last February, and then he was sent to back to Iraq. He's coming up on the 8th to go to dinner and go play some darts. I told him I could stand to drink a couple drinks... and it all should be a good time. I suck at playing darts, but for some reason when I am drinking, I am just drawn to them. I hardly ever drink... so I guess that's why I suck... I don't ever get enough practice LOL!! It should all be a good time... and I am hoping to get some more pics of us together ;) Will post them when I get a chance after the festivities.

Been Soooooooo Busy

2005-09-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

What with walking the kids to and from school, eBaying, and updating Doodles and Daydreams I have been one busy and tired Momma LOL!! And this is DH's break from school... so it's only gonna get worse LOL!!

I won all of the dresses I needed off ebay. They all came in fantabulous order. I got one both my neices to share.... because I am not rich and those dresses 'bout put me in the poorhouse LOL!! I am so excited though, and can't wait to get Ian's (and my nephew's) outfits for them, so they can all be pretty like. I really want these pics to turn out great :)

Speaking of my neice. She got sent home yesterday from school with lice... Rion called me the other day to let me know. The kiddos were supposed to be spending the night with him, but I will be damned if I am gonna chance that. I could just imagine how it is to get 4 kids lice free after a breakout. Sounds like a freaking blast. He's on orders not to even take them CLOSE to his house. He's gonna pick them up for a couple of hours tonight, and then they will come back home and stay with us this weekend. They are gonna be pissed. Just what I need 3 naughty monkeys howling about how they can't stay with daddy tonight. *sigh* If they aren't good, they are going to bed at 8pm, I don't even care if it's the weekend.

And speaking of the weekend... I wanna make some more stuff for Daydreams this weekend. My muse has actually been cooperating, and I drew some adorable dollies (yeah, I guess I am biased) named Candy Apple... and I wanna make some mapped tags and maybe some IncrediMail/OE stats to put up for sale there. I originally drew them for Doodles, but now I like them so much, that I wanna hog them all. Here is a small sample of the dollies, hair, and clothing I drew. These are all available for sale at my Premade site:

I am pretty proud of them. I really like the boots with the ones with the coats. She has huge feeties just like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee LOL!!! Anyway, so I guess come Sunday is when I finally decide whether to be a greedy hog or share them with the world LOL!!

Well, I am off to get a notary sign my daughter's immunizations waiver, Have an awesome day ;)

Hugs, Danger

sigh

2005-09-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

So we were invited to my sister in law's house today to celebrate my DH's mother's Bday (which was on Friday?)..... and I was in the midst of a MASSIVE UPDATE to Doodles but I kinda looked forward to having some women interaction. Since I don't know how long it's been since I have hung out with some girlies... so when it was time to go over there, I was ready to go.

We get there and hang out for a little while and they go in the bedroom to talk and smoke. (I know, I know, she shouldn't, but she does-- and that's not my place to tell her how to live her life)... so they are chatting away in there, and I finally go in to see why it's taking so long to smoke one cigarette. My DH hands me a picture.

It was Amy's 3D ultrasound.

At first I just stared at it in amazement at what technology could do these days. Wowing at the fact that even though it's all shades of browns... that's what her baby looks like... and it's not just some skeleton thing you have to try to make out. It's a real pic of a real baby... fuzzy skin and all.

Then it hit me. I should have a pic like this... and I don't.

I handed the pic back quickly and walked very quickly to the bathroom where I sat for the next half hour bawling my head off. Here it was, a time for family, and celebration, and I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for more than 10 seconds. I was such a wreck. I still am a wreck.

I finally compose myself and come out of the bathroom. Everyone has been asking where I was, but I just ignored the calls... and were very happy to see I hadn't fallen off the face of the Earth when I walked into the room. My DH asks where I went, and I just told him I was in the bathroom, and he could tell I had been crying and he whispered "what did I tell you about that?" and kissed me on my head. I just put my head on his shoulder and sat there quietly. I was afraid to open my mouth to reply and I was concentrating so hard on keeping the tears from flooding the living room. What a day.

"What did I tell you about that?" Is in reference to being in ShopKo the other day. We were walking down the aisle thru all of the cute Halloween stuff, and it happens to be next to a big wall of baby type stuff (shampoo, bottle brushes, that type of stuff). He just glanced over at the right time and sees a pacifier hanging there with an owl on it. An Owl. So... I kinda half-smiled and asked him if we could get it.... he of course obliged, and when I went to go put it in the cart I broke down and started bawling right there in the aisle. He just grabbed me and held me tight and whispered "shhhh, no tears... no tears, baby..." And he just held me in the middle of the aisle while people walked by as I stood there crying. In an odd way it was nice. To feel like I could cry with no inhibitions and he would just stand there and comfort me. I am sure the women walking by me probably thought I had gone mad.

He doesn't understand how hard this is. I don't know why it's so hard myself. I mean... I never met this baby, I never got to hold it in my arms. I never got to name it or even see a picture of it. I don't know why I am so attached to it. He isn't. He was really heartbroken when it happened. Totally devastated. But why haven't I bounced back like he has? Why am I so distraught over this? It's not fair. It's not fair at all. All I wanted was a baby. I never wanted this kind of heartache. I have all of this love, and nowhere to put it. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy again. I haven't cried as much in my whole life as I have in these past months. Why Me? I know that sounds so cliche... but I feel like someone is punishing me for something I did wrong in a past life. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be ME.

Another 101?

2005-09-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

I know I have one on Doodles & Daydreams... but that one is a bit outdated and I am lazy... so I will just blog another one. Maybe it will get stickied on the side LOL!!

1. I used to have Purple Hair
2. It was supposed to be burgundy, but in the sun it looks PURPLE
3. I hated it at first, but when it was more faded I grew to love it
4. I hardly ever cut my hair
5. The last time I went to get my haircut I left with 13 inches gone
6. It was for a good Cause: Locks of Love
7. I am growing it out one more time to donate again
8. It needs to hurry, cuz I wanna dye my hair
9. I am starting to go gray already
10. I will give you four reasons why
11. Their names are Reagan, Ian, Madison, and Lexie
12. I love them with every fiber of my being
13. I want to have another one
14. Who wants to have naturally brown hair anyway?
15. I have had two miscarriages since I have been with my DH
16. The last one I almost died
17. It made me love my children even more
18. I didn't think that was possible
19. I wear size 12 shoes.
20. some of my shoes are 13s though
21. You know how hard it is to find cute shoes?
22. I wear men's shoes
23. I think John Rzeznik is the hottest man alive
24. I have what's left of a writers bump on my left hand
25. Before I had my blog I used to write in my journals for hours
26. I started my journal when I was 15 and had just moved
27. I was transplanted from my friends in the "big city" to a small town of 123
28. my parents wanted to get us away from drugs
29. I never ever did drugs, but they swore I was
30. I think small towns are boring
31. I used to sneak out just to go climb the water tower
32. Or hang out in the grain bin.
33. I ran away from home when I was 16
34. I was gone for over a month, and stayed in 3 different cities
35. I was never close to my mom
36. She was (and to an extent still is) abusive
37. My dad wasn't abusive until recently
38. He told me I was ruining my life by marrying a man he never met
39. We have been happily married for almost 3 years
40. And plan to sit on the front porch in white pants when we are 50 years older
41. I love him with all of my heart
42. The only person in my family I speak to is my Grandma
43. She is like the mom I wish I always had
44. I used to watch Anne of Green Gables with her
45. Now everytime I hear that name I smile and my heart gets warm
46. My favorite movie is Neverending Story
47. I don't like scary movies at all.
48. I get nightmares if I just see long previews from Scary Movies
49. I love Reality TV
50. I wanted Stephanie to win Survivor the first time she was on
51. I used to schedule my work schedule around 90210
52. I watched it since season 1
53. I was sad that chapter in my life was over when they had the series finale
54. I wanted to be an International Interpreter when I grew up
55. We had a foreign exchange student from Santiago, Chile at my highschool
56. I used to sit with her during Lunch and speak with her in Spanish
57. Spanish is not my first language
58. I often think of her... and wonder how she is doing
59. She sent me a card with a pic of her in it. The Caption? "Mis Montanas Hermosas"
60. I would love to visit those Mountains
61. I double majored in Spanish and English the first time I went to college
62. I was only 17
63. I dropped out after my first semester
64. it took me almost 10 years later to get a degree
65. It's in Marketing
66. I was the highest Target Card seller in my store when I worked at Target
67. I started selling young
68. I was one of the top cookie sellers in my Girl Scout Troop
69. I used to telemarket
70. I think that telemarketing sucks
71. Another job that sucked was Mary Kay
72. I don't like feeling pressured to put on 10 layers of makeup before I go pick up groceries
73. I broke out from the makeup because it's so thick
74. I still have my makeover sets in my garage
75. It's been like 8 years since I have been to a Mary Kay meeting
76. I use it for Halloween Makeup
77. Is that bad??
78. I grew up in a Avon House
79. And Tupperware
80. I love Tupperware
81. I don't like stuff you have to sell in "parties"
80. I am a natural girl
81. I like minimal makeup
82. I prefer Jeans and a T-shirt or Sweater
83. Most of the time I am in Pajama Pants though
84. I own more Pajama Pants than I do Jeans
85. Yes, I wear them in public
86. I don't think that's "white trash"
87. I think it's comfortable
88. On the other end, I like to dress my kids very nicely
89. I am a clothing addict when it comes to my kids
90. If it's cute, embroidered, and looks nice: I NEED IT
91. My kids don't wear pajama pants LOL!
92. My DH used to wear them too
93. But then I stole all of his
94. I like RPGs
95. My favorite one of all time is very old school
96. The Dragon Warrior Saga kept me busy for many weeks
97. I don't have time for RPGs much anymore
98. Because I am constantly attached to my PC
99. I believe my PC Saved me
100. When I was all alone, and could have been depressed, I turned to my PC
101. And I have wonderful friends like you all to thank for keeping me sane.

My Wish List

2005-09-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me the other day why I don't have a wishlist on my blog LOL!! Well, I guess I will now. If ya happen to visit any of the girlies listed below... let them know ya heard about them from me :D

Non Graphics:
I collect Owls, Beanies, and love seashells
John Grisham Books
I like cute stuff, I love Lisa Frank, I like gel pens (yeah I know I am corny)

Graphics:
Here are the essentials ya probably need to know about me if yer ordering graphics for lil ol me :)

Dk. Brown long hair
Green eyes
Fav Color: Purple or Hunter Green... but for tags I use on my blog, I try to get pink ones ;)
Preferred name on tag: Danger or for couples "Danger & Hubby"
Right now I am really into itty bitty tags, although I really do like bigger tags as well :)
Birthday: April 12th
Anniversary: November 5th, 2002
DH: Short Blonde Hair (preferred name "hubby")
Kids:
Reagan: Long Straight Brown Hair, Born Oct. 1997
Ian Short Brown Hair, Born Jan. 1999
Madison Long Wavy/Curly Brown Hair, Born Oct. 2000 FAV COLOR is PURPLE
Lexie Med. Length Blonde Curly Hair, Born Jan 2003
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Family/Couple Tags:
Meena's Graphics has an adorable Bagley Bear Couple Tag I love
Wendi's Lil Doodles has a couple of cute couple tags. "Beary Lucky in Love" and "True Love Bears"
Lil Home Studios has a wonderfully adorable Proud Mommy tag that I LOOOVE

Single Tags:
Seasonal:
Wendi's Lil Doodles has a bear with the autumn sweater is adorable
Whispy Hollow Graphics has SEASONAL GINGERS!!! I love the Ginger for Fall and Halloween
Rosey Posey Pixels has this adorable animated leaf tag with a cute little bear on it. GAWD!! IT'S FREAKING ADORABLE TOO!! Her Harvest Moon one is adorable too... I just love those rich colors.
Aleja's Graphics has an adorable animated autumn leaf tag that I totally adore
Susie's Graphics has a cute Peeps girlie in a sweatshirt that adorable

Everyday:
Some Kind Of Magical (Manda) has a bunch of sigtags I don't have. I love all of the Jean series LOL!! The only one I have is the warrior
Wendi's Lil Doodles has a bunch of cute tags I really like. I love the bear blowing bubbles with bubblegum and Princess Bear
Whispy Hollow Graphics has GINGERS!!! I love her new Winter/Christmas ones
Elderberry Patch's Marnie Artist and the Sleepy PJ ones are adorable :)
Rosey Posey Pixels has this Little Pink Scout Snail tag is sooo cute and an adorable Queen Bee Bear Tag that's just precious! ... I NEEED them LOL!!
Jenny's Grandchild has some adorable Honeydots that I just love!!

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Membership Sites
Wonnimania
Sig Haven-Sigtag Membership
Sunrunner Siggies
My Lil Squiggles
Country Lil Creations
Sig Junky

Xmas Shopping

2005-09-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

I feel totally blah tonight. I can't decide if I am pissy, irritated, tired, sad, you name it... I can't decide. Ugh... it's only midnight and I feel like it's 5am. I should go to sleep, but I can't cuz I told my DH I would wait til 4am to let him in the house. Why to I have to be a paranoid freak and ALWAYS have to have both locks locked on the doors.... why? Cuz there are REAL FREAKS out there... ones who would like to help themselves to the inside of my house without being invited. I would rather stay up feeling comforted and safe, then stay up in bed and freak out at every noise I hear because I swear a burglar is coming into my house.

So, I have shopped and shopped and shopped like there is no tomorrow. We have a big chunk of Xmas done... YES, I said Xmas. I am excited about have something to show for it. I really thought we wouldn't be able to pull it off... but I am finding that we just needed a bit of motivation. Usually by now my closet is bursting with stuff, but it's only about half full this year. Hopefully I will be able to make some extra money after pics and get some more goodies. I shop year round for Xmas. Yeah, I am one of those annoying people who goes out the day after Thanksgiving to get "last minute gifts" because she has already bought everything. And I go out at like 4am... but this year has been tight.

My DH came up with this wonderful idea for Xmas presents this year. This is what kick started his motivation to shop. He hates shopping. And he loves this idea. Why does he love it? Cuz he doesn't have to do it. He wants me to make tie blankets as gifts to give everyone for Xmas. He's crazy. I told him if that was really what he wanted me to do, he better start buying fleece for me now, because I wasn't gonna kill my fingers by crankin' out 25 blankets in a month. So, he took me to go buy fleece. It's a big open warehouse type store, and Him and Lexie literally ran thru the aisles playing tag and peekaboo while I told the seamstress what length I wanted each bold cut. I spent $130 on fleece... and I don't even have alla the fleece I need. I think I got about 6 or 7 blankets worth... and a few of them have characters and such, so that's why they cost so much. His mom is a huge Betty Boop fan (her name is Betty) and we found some cute fleece for her. And I found a cute Hello Kitty one as well. A lot of the fleece I got was 50% off... and some only 3.99 a yard. It was the patterned fleece that killed us. He was flashing me dirty looks while I was trying to match bolts up, so I figured we would just pick some more up after these ones are done. He was all sweaty by the time I was cutting the last set of bolts. Lexie ran him ragged LOL!!

We went to Big Lots too. I had never been there, they just moved here. I had saw a ton of corny commercials for them, but we had never been by there. I AM SO GLAD WE WENT!!! It's like a upscale dollar store or something. We got a ton of namebrand kid toys/puzzles/books for realllllllly awesome prices. I spent less than $35!! We had a whole cart full... I was running out of places to put things. Care Bears, Boohbahs (don't ask... they creep me out too), Waterbabies (We have Mickey & Minnie, the Care Bears, and now we have Shrek and Donkey thanks to Big Lots), the whole nine yards. And they had scruncheez for like $1 for SIX. And they are the real ones, not some crappy dollar store brand. My kids think the barbies and cabbage patch dolls need to wear mine, so I never have any... now I have a dozen more... I am sure half of them will end up on doll's heads before the end of the year LOL!!

Also I have been hitting up a bunch of ebay auctions for those cute dresses I mentioned in one of my previous entries. I have most of the dresses I need... now I need tights and shoes, and hairties... if I do hairties. I haven't decided if I want headbands instead. Their hair is getting so long and pretty. I might wanna have them show it off.

I got a couple nonrelated auctions too... some other cute gymboree clothing for super cheap, and some much needed jeans for Reagan. I am not usually one to shop second hand for clothing for the kiddos, but for these prices, and the way they ruin clothes, I am not complaining. I haven't eBayed in awhile... it's been quite the ride LOL!! A few of the outfits will go to the girls as Bday presents/dressup clothes. Most were new with tags... and came creased and pretty, like they just came from the store. I am very pleased. and CHEAP!! Did I mention Cheap??!!

Okay, I will stop now LOL... didn't mean to yammer on and on

The Tooth Fairy and a Big Hairy Mouse

2005-09-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

I went to drop off clothes at Superdad's house the other day and Maddie came running up to me, "I lost my tooth, I lost my tooth!!" She was so excited. She's gonna be toothless by the end of the year if she keeps going as she has been. LOL!! I think she has lost 5 teeth in the last couple of months. LOL!! I have wanted to get some pics posted of her jackolantern grin, but I just haven't had my cam out in a couple of days... so these will have to do:

She is missing 2 on the top and three on the bottom LOL!! We went to Chuck E. Cheese's last night, and these are their fake pencil drawings they have in the booth there. They had a blast. I thought I was gonna rip my hair out by the end of the adventure. TWO kids having Bday parties there, and to top it off it was a Saturday night right around dinner time. The place was packed. Nothing like the smell of sweaty kids with stinky feet running all over the place to make ya wanna eat dinner, but we ordered Pizza anyway. I was just glad we got a booth. We dropped waaaaaaaaaaaay too much money there, but we haven't went in ages, so it was okay I guess. My monsters were so excited to be there, and even though it was mass mayhem, it was fun to watch them run about.

Gymboree is Evil

2005-09-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

LOL!! So I went to Gymboree the other day for the cute Owl outfit, and I get to thinking that it would be nice to get some outfits for the older kids to get pics done. I love that Gymboree carries all accessories that you can use to color coordinate everything. So I start thinking.

Well, I just don't like any of their lines right now (besides those really freaking cute owls). Either they are too bland, too bright, or just plain fugly. But I thought maybe I would check ebay for some older collections. And I fell in love with ANOTHER line of theirs.

Apres Ski is to DIE FOR!!!

OMG I WANT IT ALL!!! Where was I Last year when they made all of this?? And I could justify this one since I have three girls that could all wear it. JEEZ IT'S CUTE!! And ALL THREE OF THEM CAN WEAR IT!

I searched Ebay for all of the auctions anyone was holding for this dress I decided I wanted the girls to get their pics taken in. This is what it looks like:

I am gonna try to get three different color tights for them all.... purple, blue and cream? And then I need to get an outfit for Ian... probably Navy slacks and a cream turtleneck or something.

My DH is gonna kill me. He is gonna hate this. He thinks "dressing them like triplets" is retarded, and he absolutely hates it everytime I mention that I want to. I just think it makes for a nicer picture to have everyone color coordinated.

OMG, did I mention I was IN LOVE with this collection??

Here is another pic of some pants I want:

I have never liked a collection from Gymboree that I have liked this much. Those pants retail for $34!!! That's INSANE!! but thanks to Ebay, I will be getting a better deal than that I hope.

Happy Shopping All,

Hope for the Future and a Great Sale!

2005-09-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

So one of my good friends IRL IMed me the other day. She asked me if I was up for "baby talk" cuz she had something really important she wanted to talk to me about. I tell her I am fine... that she can talk away... so she mentions A SALE!

Gymboree was having a sale on a brand new line they have there with owls all over it. Being the Owl collector that she knew I am, she rushed to get ahold of me to let me know about it. Their stuff is thru-the-roof expensive, but I went to look. Nothing like paying $20 for a sleeper that junior is gonna poop all over in the first time he wears it and ruins the whole damn thing... but it's a sale, right??

I FELL IN LOVE.

I almost started crying. I ran in and asked my DH if I could go to the mall, I wanted... no NEEDED to go to Gymboree, and would he please say yes. He was half asleep and didn't care about anything except getting me to leave the room so he could go back to snoring, so he obliged.

I get there and mention I was the girl on the phone that collects owls, and please direct me to the owl line. She takes me to where it all is, and like a good salewoman working on commission, she tries to sell me the whole freaking line. I went in for the sleeper and the blanket ($10 apiece-- which is a steal for Gymboree clothes)... and she was let down to find out that I didn't really need owl sockies for my kiddo-to-be... and I certainly didn't need a big-headed stuffed owl.

Here are some pics of the pattern on the line. It's ADORABLE!!

And here is the detail applique/embroidery thing on the opposite side of the blanket. One side is the same fabric as the sleeper above... and the other side is creme with this cute really homely owl on it. It's so homely I needed to take it home with me and cuddle it LOL!!

So, I guess this solidifies the want to try for another baby. I bought clothes. We need a baby to wear them... Lexie will look pretty funny trying to squeeze into that sleeper otherwise.

Thanks for listening to me babble :)

Hugs, Danger

The Fish Made Me Do it!

2005-09-08T19:58:00.000-07:00

I think I am getting bronchitis, and I am totally knocked out. I decided to take a couple of days away from the net (MUCH NEEDED) and got sucked into a game called Insaniquarium. OMG!!! If yer looking for another hobby or addiction ;) PLAY IT!!!

Can't Keep Quiet Any Longer

2005-09-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to the victims of Katrina. Where is our government? And why aren't they helping? Here are some clips from poignant articles I have read over the days, things I think should be highlighted and brought forth to the table:

Survivors Tales

“He was kind of on the edge of the roof, catching his breath,” Mills said. “Next thing I knew he came floating past me. ... I don’t know if he drowned or had a heart attack.”
"I know I am blessed because my 4-month-old son is fine, I know where all of my family members are, I have a house to go to. I waited in line two hours on Wednesday to get water and ice only to be turned away, I waited again Thursday for 4 hours and was able to get water, ice and MRE, I was so happy I just cried. I needed to bottled water for my son's formula bottles. I was afraid I was going to run out."--Jessica, Mobile, Ala.
Asked if it was hard to leave, Jim Stoddard replied, "No, I was going to have a little problem breathing" in the high waters he expected to sweep through his house.
"When you close your eyes," Smith asked Stoddard, "how do you see your home?" "Like I left it," Stoddard answered. "Gotta be positive. Hope for the best. Expect the worst."
Judy Martin, sank to her knees and wept as she reached dry land. Her 95-year-old mother, Cecile Dupont Martin, had died the previous night in their one-story house as her daughter begged her to climb to the attic to escape the rising flood. At 7:30 a.m. Tuesday, Martin left her mother floating in the bathroom and swam 400 feet up General Diaz Street to safety.
"As the waters started to recede (Tuesday), the Book of Common Prayer from the Episcopal Church floated by and I picked it up and I put it up in the bell, and the water got down a little bit more, and I was just getting ready to get off and I saw (an American flag) floating by. "So, I'm gonna hang onto these for awhile." --Billy Barrett, Gulfport, Miss.
The ones wheeling him out said he had died that morning. "They promised him medical attention," a man said. "They said they had medical attention in there. There isn't any."--New Orleans Convention Center.
Beaty Kailey was born Monday, but originally, her mother had chosen a different name: Katrina. Talk about Ironic!?!
"The whole state is letting this city down. We are gonna die out here if they don't send somebody out here right now," 12-year-old Takeasha Griggs said.
"We saw fish. We saw snakes, turtles floating by right outside the windows while we were trying to get the patients up. We got up to the second floor and (the water) got up to the awnings of the second floor. And we didn't know if it was going to stop or not."
"As I'm writing this, I may be experiencing some signs of early labor. I've been planning the birth of my second son for nine months, but I never planned for a hurricane evacuation. My home is in Slidell and sustained only roof damaged and downed trees, but many other homes in Slidell are destroyed and under water. Thank God most people did evacuate. "--Hilary Bordelon, Slidell, La.
Says one, "We tried to play games to get our mind off of drowning."
Stephen Carter was rescued with his two children. He said he wavered about evacuating last weekend after being stuck in eastbound traffic with less than a half-tank of gas. "We nailed a big 'Help' sign on our roof," he said. The family had to climb to the third floor of a neighbor's house because it was taller until "we heard the boat come."
Baton Rouge is like a war-zone. STILL no electrical power even though there wasn't that much damage to the city. No power trucks to be seen. They have started shooting and looting here. No gasoline, no motel rooms, no rental cars. I am worried going to work about leaving my home unattended. I-10 has people parked everywhere sleeping in their cars. The shelters and hospitals here are full. This area doesn't need politicians visiting, it doesn't need money....IT NEEDS LEADERSHIP & ORDER. God help us all if somebody doesn't step up and get control of this situation. True, Monday we were "in disaster mode", but it's Friday today and it's getting worse.--Wayne Roberts, Baton Rouge, La.
"This is a very strong house, I laid on a mattress on the second floor during this hurricane with a rosary in one hand and the other hand uplifted praying the Hail Mary over and over probably 10,000 plus times. I am Catholic but no ultra religious -- until now. I promised never to not evacuate in the future when told to do so if I just made it through this one. "
Tina Miller, 47, had no shoes and cried with relief and exhaustion as she left the Superdome and walked toward a bus. “I never thought I’d make it. Oh, God, I thought I’d die in there. I’ve never been through anything this awful.”
Mark Poole and his 3-year-old daughter are homeless because a massive ficus tree fell and destroyed their home. "When I moved in here a year ago, I didn't have anything but a TV," Poole said. "I had to go out and buy a couch, wait a month and buy a bed. I finally got it all filled up and now it's gone."
A Blackhawk helicopter crew rescued at least eight people from a roof where, in red spray paint, was written the words "Diabetic, Heart Transplant, Need transportation."
"I've been through Betsy, Ivan, all the storms we've had. This is our tsunami now," Mildred Tropez said. "It's been physically and emotionally exhausting. It's hard to watch the news. It's hard to see how the city's been destroyed, and all the victims, the hunger, the lack of water. It's really sad, not just that the hurricane hit there, but the way it's been handled. It's really depressing," Veronica Ramirez said.

The Harsh Truth

This has been a colossal failure of government. President Bush spent Tuesday, the day after Katrina struck, at a Medicare event in Arizona and then he made his way to a San Diego naval base for yet another anniversary tribute to the Greatest Generation. His concession to reality was adding a few words of compassion to his prepared remarks. Meanwhile, the greatest natural disaster in a century was unfolding at sickening speed with television cameras capturing footage of looting reminiscent of the days after the invasion of Iraq.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin says hundreds, maybe thousands, of people have died in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina slammed into the city on Monday. Nagin says it will at least two or three months before the city has electricity, restaurants won't be able to open and there won't be any commerce. At an impromptu news conference at the Hyatt Hotel, Nagin had no details about the deaths. -- Associated Press
“What’s absent is a debate over the climate, over Kyoto, over the human-caused warming of the earth,” said an editorial in the Sueddeutsche Zeitung, a Munich-based daily. “But the oil shortage caused by the disaster will hurt Bush more than gaps in climate policy will.”
Bertram's thanks turned quickly to scorn for New Orleans officials over the broken levees that led to the rising water in her City Park neighborhood. "It wasn't God, it was man" that caused the catastrophe, Bertram said. "Where'd all the money go that was supposed to pay for the levees? I lived through (Hurricane) Betsy in 1965, and I can tell you right now, the city was so much better organized then."
"Let's be realistic, everybody's watching TV, and you see the suffering of people down there," Daley said. "This is not a third-world nation. We have come through the Depression and we have fought for liberty and justice in America. We have gone through many wars, we have gone through depressions and wars. We have rebuilt Germany and Japan ... and the frustration is the response. We have to respond much quicker." Mayor Richard M. Daley said.
Those storms started hitting on Sunday, and yet, four full days later, still, we just aren't seeing emergency relief agents on the ground, in the neighborhoods that have been affected the most. There's video that we have been taking all throughout the day of people that simply aren't getting water. They are not getting food. They are not getting the basic necessities. It's a disgrace here. But if you think it's a disgrace here, the situation in New Orleans is beyond description. The Associated Press reported yesterday, “storm victims raped and beaten inside the convention center; 88 officers also beaten back by angry mobs.”
With offers from the four corners of the globe pouring in, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has decided “no offer that can help alleviate the suffering of the people in the afflicted area will be refused,” State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said Thursday.
However, in Moscow, a Russian official said the U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency had rejected a Russian offer to dispatch rescue teams and other aid. Hmmmm, sounds a bit sketchy to me, Miss Condoleeza
Speaking at an afternoon news conference, Gov. Kathleen Blanco said the damage to southeastern Louisiana is "just heartbreaking." U.S. Sen. Mary Landrieu, D-La., said she flew over the damage today and added that it was just as bad as Asia was after last year's tsunami, which she also flew over.
At one point Friday, the evacuation was interrupted briefly when school buses pulled up so some 700 guests and employees from the Hyatt Hotel could move to the head of the evacuation line — much to the amazement of those who had been crammed in the Superdome since last Sunday. “How does this work? They (are) clean, they are dry, they get out ahead of us?” exclaimed Howard Blue, 22, who tried to get in their line. The National Guard blocked him as other guardsmen helped the well-dressed guests with their luggage. LUGGAGE?? I can't say anymore I am totally disgusted.
“If we can’t respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the gulf for days, then why do we think we’re prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?” asked former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a Republican.
"But, here it is, in our own country. We can't get these type of people, troops, to come in and help us. It's crazy," Keith Jones said. "I cannot believe this is America. This strong United States is no longer what it used to be," Veronica Ramirez said.
It may take months before insurance adjusters can begin to get a handle on damages from Hurricane Katrina. One expert says he's basing that estimate on Hurricane Andrew, which until Katrina was ranked as the nation's costliest natural disaster.
“In terms of property damage, the estimate is at least $26 billion in insured losses and perhaps twice that in uninsured losses over a 90,000-square-mile area — approximately the size of Kansas.”

Sometimes I wonder about people

Connick, a New Orleans favorite son, expressed his sorrow over his hometown's devastation. Critical of the rescue efforts, Connick said on Friday's Today show: "How hard is it to bring a truck with bottles of water over to the convention center?" He said he's doing all he can to make people aware of the situation, "but I'm a musician. What can I do?" Ummmm, Donate some money? Or help relocate people. They have everyday people down there with less resources doing much more than just talking about it on TV.
Louisiana native Britney Spears, who was raised in Kentwood, says her "thoughts and prayers go out to everyone" in the states along the devastated Gulf Coast. "All of my family members there are safe and thank you to all my fans for your concern," Spears, 23, has posted on her Web site. Well golly... we all can rest safe knowing that Brittney is safe and she is praying for everyone. Maybe she spent all her money on K Fed and the baby's nursery??
“This is a storm that requires immediate action, now,” the president said on Sept. 2nd, after a daylong tour of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. “I understand the devastation requires more than one day’s attention. It’s going to require the attention of this country for a long period of time.” IMMEDIATE ACTION?? Didn't he say this on SEPT. 2nd?? How is that IMMEDIATE???
A Lousiana teenager stole a schoolbus and packed it full of strangers so he could drive to safety in Houston to the Astrodome. When arriving, shocked authorities weren't going to accept the renegade refugees because they weren't expected and arrived in "borrowed transportation. The boy may face charges for stealing city property. CHARGES?? For saving lives?? It's more than Bush did!!! I think that's ridiculous. Why don't we spend time helping people ourselves, instead of prosecuting the people who are helping others.

Bless Them All

"I cannot say enough about the kindness and concern this man showed my wife and I .... I don't plan on loosing track of William as I consider this man as the person who saved my wife's and my life, God Bless You Mr. William Johnson."
OFFERING HOUSING:
I live in a middle class neighborhood, in a 3BR house. I don't mind taking as many people as want to come, I'll get air mattresses if need be. I'm a single mom with two small children and a cat. We have a fenced-in back yard and are within walking distance of a good elementary school, grocery store, and pharmacy. If you need a bed, I have one twin couch pull-out, a queen, and a bunk bed that's double and twin. My kids and I can bed on the floor. I don't mind pets or children. I only have one car, but it can be shared to get around. Public transport in Tuscaloosa isn't very good, but we'll manage. peace.
ANOTHER OFFER FOR HOUSING:
My wife and I are willing to house children for any length of time. We have a 6 year old daughter in 1st grade and we are willing to feed, cloth, house, and send to school other children in need. We have 2 1/2 acres of land and we would also consider allowing families with campers to set up on our property. Please consider our offer. Huffman is located approximately 20 miles from Baytown,Texas.
ANOTHER ANGEL OFFERING HOUSING
We can take in anyonewho needs help. We have 4 bedrooms and couches for people to sleep on. We know other people willing to take people in. We live just outside the city limits and will take animals as well. If anyone at all needs help let us know. We are willing to drive to pick up anyone needing help.
The French city of Orleans also rallied to help its hurricane-hit American namesake. The city south of Paris planned to donate money raised from ticket sales at local sports matches to help hurricane victims in New Orleans, a statement from City Hall said Friday. Orleans and its university also offered to take in 50 students from the University of New Orleans for the school year.
The proposal to take in 500 students from New Orleans at the University of Innsbruck in Austria for the winter semester was more personal. The two universities, both in cities that boast rich cultural histories, have spent decades building bonds of friendship and community.
"Many people in our crew right now have lost their homes. They're gone. And they're not focusing on that. They're focusing on, 'I'm gonna take care of patients, take care of my colleagues, and we're gonna get through this.' This is our home, right here. We're fine."
"They said … they needed boats," he tells Smith. That's all Josh needed to hear to haul his boat 2½ hours to the waters in downtown New Orleans. "(I've) come to save lives," he says. It took just a few minutes for Josh to accomplish his mission, and hoist a wheelchair-confined grandmother from a flooded hotel to safety. Moments later, he did the same for her infant granddaughter. Her family had defied evacuation orders so they could stay by the grandmother's side.
"I own a small nursing home in east Texas. On Monday, we gave refuge to a family of 27 coming out of Jefferson Parish. I contacted a local chicken franchise and with their help was able to feed this family. My staff and I were thankful to be able to offer them cool shelter, restrooms, and a short respite from their journey for a couple of hours. The seven children were given stuffed animals and time to move about freely. The adults were frayed and the short time we watched the children allowed them to rest. When they left us they were heading to a small hotel 20 miles away where they had reservations. They had already received word that they had lost everything!"-- Judy Stallone, R.N.; Carthage, Texas
Amy Maher is a coordinator for a national organization called Noah's Wish, which works to save as many pets as possible during such catastrophes. The group expects more than 100 Noah's Wish volunteers to arrive in Louisiana Thursday.
The American Red Cross, which accounts for the bulk of private donations, said it had received $196.9 million so far, including roughly $85 million from corporate donors.

Here are a list of some of the Celebrity and Corporate Donators that I have collected from articles across the web:

Nicolas Cage has donated $1 million
Celine Dion has donated $1 million
Hilary Duff has donated $250,000
Lance Armstrong gives $500,000 to relief effort to help displaced cancer victims get treatment
Deion Sanders' Katrina challenge: $1,000 each and wants every pro athlete to give to hurricane relief. His goal is to reach $1.5 million to $3 million for the cause.
New York governor George Pataki presented the Red Cross with a check for $2.5 million and promised, “This great state will do far more.”
Diddy and Jay-Z are donating a combined $1 million
Wal-Mart pledged $17 million
Albertson's Inc. pledged $10 million
ExxonMobil pledged $7 million
Target Corporation says it's donating $1.5 million to the Red Cross and the company will aid in the distribution of water, ice, energy bars and bug spray in the disaster zone
Serena Williams has vowed to donate $100 for every ace she hits in the U.S. Open as well as every other match she plays this year
The Dave Matthews Band will perform a Sept. 12 concert in Denver, and all profits will go to charities supporting hurricane victims.
Jay Leno, Morgan Freeman, Jamie Foxx are on the auction bandwagon and all holding seperate auctions for services and or goods.
Countless other celebrities are having telethons and talkshows to raise money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again, my heart goes out to everyone who has been effected by this terrible storm. I wish I could do more, I wish I could drive down there myself. But as a struggling mom of four children, sometimes it's hard to even provide for my own. I have donated my time and what money I could to efforts to help Katrina Victims. if you are a graphics community member and would like to help out, visit www.totallypixels.com . It's only a small part I can help (with several other wonderful women) in helping ease the pain of Katrina.

Pics of the Fair

2005-09-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share the pics of the fair. The kids had a blast between the fits they threw because they couldn't ride such-n-such ride, or that we had to go home. It was a reasonably good day. I got a sunburn, but what's a little burn for a bunch of fun memories?

Here's the pics of them on the carousel

They didn't ride many rides because they fixated on a select few and rode them over and over. They loved this rollercoaster and rode it several times. This is all four of them in the dragon :) Isn't that cool looking?

this was a ride that went really high in the air and dropped them down really fast. They loved it and also rode it several times. (I blurred out the kids that I DIDN'T give birth to LOL)

And this year they had this incredible robot that talked and everything. He was amazing and the kids LOVED him. Here's some pics I got of their encounters with him. The pic I took on the left cut his head off... so you know me, with photo manipulation I created a tree and a head for him LOL!! I think it turned out really good ;)

And here is a bigger pic of the kids in the same pic... I just never get them all four together like this, so I relish the time I actually do. It turned out pretty okay I thought :)

And then the last pic I will sign out with... I am sure every mom out there can sympathize with me. This was the last ride we went on... and we were there for 4 hours in the heat and craziness.

Oh, and yeah... we got a funnel cake. A whopping $5 for a glorified donut... but it was YUMMY!!

Look Out Funnel Cakes, Here we Come

2005-09-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

We are going to the fair tomorrow. I don't know who is more excited, myself or the kids. LOL!! My DH on the otherhand would rather have toenails pulled out than to take four kids out in public where they can prove to the world that they still haven't embarrassed us enough.

My DH has a lab until 1pm tomorrow, but we wanna go before then. They have kiddie armbands on sale really cheap tomorrow from 1-5pm, so I told my Ex (who is playing SuperDad at the moment) that if he wanted to tag along he was more than welcome, and then I would have the help I needed in herding 4 kids into one manageable area. My DH is gonna meet us on the midway at 1:30 when he gets off... hopefully I won't have pulled all my hair out by then and there will be some sense of control. I know it's only an hour... but you know what four kids can do in an hour? If not, come to my house. They can make my living room look like a twister tore thru it in less than 15 mins. And that's on a bad day.

So, look out funnel cakes, and chicken on a stick... cuz we are heading to the fair. I hope I can get some good pics of the kiddos. I will definitely be packing my digital camera along for the fun. I think getting a carney to brush his teeth is easier than getting all four of my kids to look at me and smile on cue... but I will try anyway LOL!!

Wish me luck that I don't have to rescue my kids from the top of some ride, or that I don't have to clean someone else's puke outta my hair (ICK)... and above all... that I have hair when I come back ;)

Some Insanely Wonderful Women

2005-09-01T01:45:00.000-07:00

I have had a week packed full of graphics... and received a ton of wonderful gifties from some wonderful women who really deserve a shout out for being so sweet to me (and everyone else LOL)

I have been having some down days lately... and getting this giftie in my inbox was such a pick-me-up. Doesn't it make you feel the dampness in the air? and the smell of freshly fallen leaves at yer feet? This cutie is also available for purchase from Miss Manda's shoppe if you would like one too. She did a superb job on the animation (I am on an animation kick lately)... and she has one that has a ghost there that is a MUST SEE. It has AWESOME ANIMATION!!

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And since I am mentioning animation, I received this giftie yesterday as well:

She makes me just wanna giggle along with her. This is one of Donna's exclusive bases, and she is also available for purchase in her shoppe. Stop on by and let her know I sent ya ;) C'mon... ya know you need a giggle ;)
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And here are some up and coming artists who deserve your attention :)

Tammy sent me this giftie awhile back... but I just thought I would share her with you. I came across her again in my folder, and it always makes me smile :) Who doesn't need a jar full of smiles?? LOL Go check out her site and let her know where ya got spammed at ;) LOL

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Monique has the cutest things on her site... and I love her stuff :) A couple of days ago, I awoke to this little cutie in my inbox. She must know how much I am in love with "the itty bittys" lately LOL. This is made with one of the outlines I recently added to Doodles :

Isn't that freaking cute? Check her stuff out ;) You won't be disappointed :)
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Monica sent me this next cutie this past week sometime. I love how dark and rich the colors are :) She is just now putting her site up, but it's a must see... so make sure to keep an eye out :)

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And speaking of bears and rich colors... Angela has immense talent out of the CGC, and her pixels are outstanding as well :) Make sure ya drop by her site. She has all kinds of unique purchaseware there :) And isn't this little bear CUUUUUTE??

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Lou sent me this giftie the other day... I thought it was so sweet of her to think of me :) And I am always a sucker for tags with my kiddos on them ;) Go check her site out... she has everything from Harry Potter stuff to Mermaid Hippos :) Very cute stuff :) (You know you wanna see the mermaid hippo now LOL)

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And lastly here are some forums gifties I received :) I don't think these girlies have shoppes, but if you really dig their art (like I do), click the gifties to see how to reach them :) They are so sweet to think of me :)

The Dragons in Love made me cry it was so sweet. I love how adorable they are:

Thank you everyone. I have enjoyed all of these gifties so much :) They all mean a lot to me :)

I promise I will stop spamming my readers for awhile now... unless something ultra cute comes up that I just NEEED to show off LOL!!

Hugs, Danger

Goodness Help us all

2005-08-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL

Ian's teacher is an uptight woman that Reagan had last year for first grade. She is kind of high strung, and I don't think she has the patience that a lot of other teachers have. With Reagan that was okay because she is like the perfect student. She never gets in trouble, and she learns really quickly. Ian on the other hand....

So this is day two, and she has pulled me aside BOTH DAYS to tell me that Ian has been having troubles in school, and I need to have a talk with him about keeping his hands and his feet to himself. I was really put off. Like I haven't ever had that talk with him. He's six freaking years old. What mom hasn't had that talk with their kids half a dozen times by then? God give me strength to not hang that boy up by his toenails... and leave him outside for the wolves in the winter.

Reagan's teacher I haven't had a chance to meet... but she seems to be fine with her. Reagan never causes trouble in school, so I am sure she will do fine. She likes being with her friends and stuff... and she loves that she gets to do "center activities." She acts like she never got to do anything at home. LOL

Maddie has Reagan's kindergarten teacher this year... and she seems to really like it. I worry about her cuz she is small, and she has some speech probs. Her smile looks like a jackolantern right now (and she has two more of those suckers that are loose and coming out) so she kinda talks funny. I worry that the teacher won't be able to understand her. I cried like a little baby when she walked in the first day. She is getting so big. I can't believe she's in kindergarten.

She loves center activities as well... and thinks PE is the greatest thing. I don't think they really had PE in any of her other daycares.... it was more like unstructured playground time. I think she likes to play games and stuff.

So we are in day two. Let's all hope this doesn't end up being a long year like the last one was. I don't think I will have hair at the end of it if it is. A bald Danger wouldn't look so hot. LOL

Hell Done Froze Over

2005-08-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

And I mean like with glaciers the size of Earth.

So, school starts tomorrow for the kids... my neice included. My sister is a crackwhore, and she doesn't ever get my neice any nice clothes for school. Just stuff from Goodwill or the Salvation Army and crap people give her as hand me downs. Since she started school I have scrounged around and went without if I had to to get at least one nice outfit for her. Every year, Auntie Danger comes the day before school bearing embroidered jeans (she likes those the best) and some kind of shirts and stuff....

This year I call to ask my sister what sizes my neice wears. My sister of course doesn't know. I ask her to at least go see what size panties she wears, cuz I would like to get her new socks and underwear while I am out and about (my neice also has the pleasure of wearing hand me down underwear--ICK-- and usually they are holy and 2 sizes too big. The only reason I know this, is when my kids go over there for visitation with their dad, somehow they come home in these horrible disgusting underwear that are so big they barely stay on. They always go in the trash). She goes into my neice's drawer while she is on the phone with me. "Size 10," she says. I about died. TEN could fit two of Reagan in them... and they are only 3 mos apart. I asked her to make sure and look at another pair. "Oh, these are size 2," she replies. TWO? How could the girl be wearing size 2 and 10 at the same time? You know why? Cuz my sister is a crackwhore.

Anyway, I show up after I am all shopped out. I bring a pair of really cute Hello Kitty jeans with little ice cream sodas and sundaes embroidered in bright pink all over them. Matching pink shirt, and then socks and undies. I threw in a set of color changing markers too. Just cuz I could, and I wanted her to get something fun. I remember when I was a kid and I got clothes for presents. I always hated it wasn't something that was fun or that I could play with. All wrapped up in a pretty pink bag and ready to go. The door opens.

Rion is there. Rion. The man who only goes over there when the kids are there. He's there... with no kids to be seen (not even my sister's) and they are watching Family Guy. Alone, with no kids. Odd, I thought, but whatever.

My sister calls up to her neighbor's house, and gets my neice downstairs so she can open up her school goodies. In she comes, wearing a tanktop dress that was draping on her, and a sweater over the top of it... jeez, I would never let my kid leave the house dressed like that. But whatever.

She totally digs her clothes... and she wants to wear them to school on the first day (which I was so excited about)... and then she is off to play with her markers.

AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

I didn't know if I should leave, or stay. I was kinda frozen with the uneasy feeling like I was stuck. So we sat and talked. My sister, Rion, and I... all in the same room... talking like we were friends or something. It was all so surreal. Almost fake. No, it WAS fake. Like it was all playdoh, and if I wanted to I coulda smooshed their faces in, but it was weird because I really didn't want to.

So I am there for like over an hour. The room is smoky (I swear my sister is a chain smoker. No wonder my poor neice gets sick all of the time), I knew my DH was gonna be upset with me if I stayed too long cuz he had to work... and I really didn't want to be there anymore. I was just waiting for my exit cue.... and it never came. WHY????????????????? Finally, Rion mentions that he is gonna go upstairs to work on another apartment, and I decide since the door is opening, I am going out it too... come hell of high water. I needed to talk to him about some stuff anyway.

We start walking down the outside hallway thing, and I mention to him that I really would appreciate it if he didn't divulge so much of his financial situation to the kids. They are constantly coming home trying to scrounge up change so they can give it to their dad cuz he has no money... and tonight Reagan comes home and says, "Daddy is poor. And we are a poor family. He has 29 cents for the rest of the week and all he has to eat is mac n cheese." Now why he thought he needed to share that is beyond me. I just don't want my daughter to carry the burden around of thinking she needs to help her daddy... cuz he's poor.

So this winds to that, and this, and another thing.. and we end up talking about his new girlfriend, and how he really wants me to meet her. I really don't have a lot of respect for her because she doesn't have her daughter living with her... her daughter lives with her mom... why you ask?? Because she didn't wanna grow up when she had her, and she wanted to keep partying and having a good ol time. I don't have a lot of respect for people who can't suck it up and deal with the situations they created. But whatever. He says she is trying to change, and she IS changing, and she is in the process of having her daughter move back in with her. "She just made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes." I hear that almost everytime we talk about her. *I* Have never made a mistake that cost me precious time with my kids... and I sure as hell didn't willingly let someone else raise my kid because I was too hopped up on drugs to grow up and realize I was fucking my life up.

After I said that I had doubts about her, and paraphrased what I just wrote above.... we started talking about the time when he left us. And I told him that I have never been thru hell like I had when he left... and never ever ONCE did I think that maybe it would be better if I didn't raise my kids and let someone else do it for me. NEVER. And I talked about what hell we had went thru. I don't think he actually knew.

We had no car... I had to push the kids thru blazing heat for groceries, thru ice and snow to go to school... and anywhere else we had to go. All in a double stroller. All by myself. Three kids.
I had no electricity when he moved out cuz he took all of the money and the bill was past due. So I had to find money to get it turned back on 3 days after he moved out. That was a wonderful surprise.
My phone was shut off for lack of payment. All stuff he said was taken care of... but wasn't

And the list goes on. As I mention these things I can see the color draining from his face. He knew it was his fault that it all happened. And then the unthinkable happens.

HE APOLOGIZED TO ME!!!

I mean like a heartfelt apology from the bottom of his heart and everything. "I am so sorry for everything you had to go thru because of me. I am sorry you had to deal with all of that because you didn't deserve it and I feel really bad that it happened that way." I interrupted him to tell him I didn't mention all of those things to make him to feel guilty. I mentioned them so he could be aware of how desperate I actually was... and never once did I think about pawning my kids off. He said he knew, but he really felt like it needed to be said, and that I deserved an apology. I couldn't believe it. I really didn't know what to say. Not in a million years did I ever think he would ever apologize to me about that. I thought Hell would freeze over first.

And whatever came over me, I will never know. Because then... I felt like we were friends again. And what do I do? I freaking spill my guts about everything. The baby, the miscarriage, everything. After I got home I felt like a blithering idiot. But I guess it's said and done with, and no going back now. I just hope he keeps his word and he doesn't say anything to Marisa.

She came out and ruined the moment. Not that there was a real "moment." But it was nice to feel like we were friends again. I really miss his friendship. He is gonna pick us up tomorrow so he can be there for Maddie's big day. She's gonna be a kindergartener. Jeez the days go by. I just found a pic of her when she was two. I hope I don't cry when she goes. Time goes by too fast. Soon they will be moving out and going to college.

It's Okay, She's a Post Op

2005-08-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

"It's okay, she's a Post Op." The one receptionist said to the nurse filling in. I didn't have to fill out the paperwork a new patient would have, because I was a returning patient. Only this time it wasn't because of something happy like a pregnancy, it was because of something unhappy, like losing the baby and then almost dying.

A Post Op.

Of all of the things I have been called in my life, I don't ever remember being called that. Mom, Sister. Daughter. Granddaughter. Wife. Friend. Woman. Never Post Op. It sounds Sterile.

It's amazing what being a Post Op changes. All of the sudden the stuffy nurse who never seemed like she cared for me, guided me down the hall holding my arm as if to hold me up. "Oh, Sweet (Insert Danger's Real Name here)," she cooed to me. Like we were long lost friends. Was my fragility written all over my face or something? I guess we will never know. Maybe they just know what "Post Op" means.

To me it means a lot of things. First and foremost, it means broken dreams. But it also means so much more. It means amazing frustration as people repeat over and over to you, "It just wasn't meant to be." It means unimaginable heartache as you reach what would be milestones in your pregnancy, but yer no longer pregnant. It means hoping you won't resent every friend or family member who has a healthy baby to love and hold. It means forever wondering, "what if?" It means that I carry tissue in my purse, in case I might start crying in the middle of a store, just because. But besides all of these things, it means loving my husband even more, because I almost didn't get to grow old with him. It means being more patient with my kids because we never know what tomorrow brings.

I guess I can live with being a Post Op as long as I still can hope and dream for the future, and "what could be." Being a Post Op has taught me the pangs of hope again.

The nurse guided me into the room and told me to have a seat, the doctor would be in soon to speak with me. So I sat.

First, I read a magazine, then I looked at the calendar they had, and as my head wandered around the room, I spotted Kleenex. All of the sudden I needed one. Tears welled up in my eyes and the receptionist's sterile words echoed in my head. Post Op. Post Op. Post Op. Post Op.

I tried to be strong. I was gonna be composed. I wasn't gonna break down. I stood my ground. I stared thru the pastel blinds and willed myself to stop crying. After a few moments, it seemed I had won the battle, but I had several moments after that where I was forced to dab the corner of my eye so that my face wouldn't be stained with tears. I really didn't want my doctor to think I was a basketcase.

My doctor came in, and we exchanged pleasantries. It was awkward. I associate his face with bringing new life into the world. I think he could tell, and he asked me if I was gonna be okay. I barely choked out a "Yeah, it was just really hard to come today."

We talked about being a Post Op. And what that means. After we spoke, it solidified what Post Op means most to me. It means hope.

The Nerve of Some People

2005-08-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

My 8 year old daughter came home from school the other day, talking about how she had learned about boobies. She said her teacher said there were different kinds of boobies. Some are little and have red on them, some have more of an orange look to them, some are dark and look like they have a mask across them. She also said her teacher said that Boy boobies look very similar when they are young to when they are older... but Girl Boobies look different when they get older.

Her teacher then went on to say that sometimes Girl Boobies get excited when Boys raise their backsides. She said Boobies have very vascular parts, and if you hold your hand on one, you can feel the warmth from the blood flow. They don't react well to cold water, and only prefer to be bathed (or be submerged) in warm water.

By now, I want to call the teacher up fuming mad. My daughter is only 8 years old... there is no reason she should be thinking about holding her hands on boobies, or that boobies get excited when boys are around. I held my comments til the end and let my daughter go on. She was really excited about learning so much about boobies... and she really wanted to tell us everything she had learned.

Boobies have an area of stretchy skin on them, and when a boobie is hot, the skin relaxes, and when the boobie is cold, it gets taut and firm. Also, during mating, sometimes boobies can get overheated.

OVERHEATED?!?! WHAT THE @#$%!!!!!!!!!

Reagan says Boobies can be charismatic, and people like to look at them during courtship.

By Now, I want to strangle this teacher... I mean, I agree that sex ed should be taught early... but EIGHT YEARS OLD?? And to THIS MUCH DETAIL?? So, I do what every normal parent would do. I look in the school directory and look her up.

DAMN!! She didn't have a phone number... and this is Sunday. But she does have an email.... so I decided to email her.

She got back to me right away, and sent me the links that she had been teaching from... and she specifically said that they weren't out of reach of an 8 year old's educational grasp.

These are the links she sent:

Click HERE , HERE and HERE

In my daughter's teacher's defense she learned about BLUE FOOTED BOOBIES last year, and my DH was talking to me about it tonight. It was a recent convo that he and Reagan had... and I just had to make a post about Boobies... to see if any of ya all have Dirty Minds like SOME PEOPLE ;) ROFLMAO!
I hope you enjoyed this LOL!! Although I wrote this 100%, I did use reference materials from those links I posted above (and maybe one other). It's all actual information about the Boobies. I had a lot of giggles while I wrote it. LOL!!
Hugs,

It's My Blog and I can Spam if I want to LOL!!

2005-08-22T01:06:00.000-07:00

I got the tags I was so excited about. They are so cute. I thought I would post them :) They are all from Katie's Site again. I love them all. I think they are just precious

and then Katie was so sweet as to make me this sweet little tag. It's probably one of my favorite tags right now. She's such a doll :)

Posting these online, actually got me in the mood to organize my pixel folders (ugh, that was a MESS). Anyway, so now I have all of my sigtags all organized and pretty. And now that I am organized... I remembered how many other tags I had that I really liked. So, since I am bored and really have nothing to do (yeah right... I always have a bazillion things to do)... I figured I would give a shout out to some of my favorite graphics artists. There are a lot of them out there, and they deserve yer business ;)

Here are some from Manda's :) She ROCKS MY SOCKS LOL!!! Talk about some exquisite details, and wonderful beauty. Someday... Someday I will have 1/10 the talent that woman has in her pinky LOL!!

Nexxxxxxt... Lemme see, Now we have Jaana. Jaana is equally talented as Manda in many ways I think... it's just a different kind of talent. Jaana has a talent for cuddly and cute... and dammit, if I don't wanna buy everything that girl posts on her site ROFL. Here are some of her cuties:

Pearl is my favorite animal she has done. Not too many people can pull off Frogs and have them be THIS DARN CUTE!!! LOL!!

And a couple other misc. tags from her site.

Next would be my newest sissy... the Very talented Lissa. She is like a freaking expert at tiny cute things. I love her bears :) You should definitely go to her site. She has awesome stuff ;)

Here are some of her cuties:

Ummmm, who else do I wanna spam for?? *looks innocently at all her bored blog readers* This is fun dammit, so shush. If you don't like it, skip this entry LOL!!

How about Lynn from Electrik Garden?? LOL. Her stuff is cute as well.. and I have been gifted a couple of her cuties, as well as purchased a couple. Here are a couple from her site that I like:

Next up is Tonya. She's a really sweet girlies, and she has ultra cute stuffs:

Donna is another one of my sissies, and she does great work ;) You should go see her purchaseware section :) Very unique and wonderful stuff. She's another amazing lady I aspire to be like:

Are you getting bored already?? Lemme finish up quick then LOL

Tammy has bloomed into a really awesome doller, and she has a very unique talent about her. She's a real sweetheart too, and I love her style. Here are some of the tags she has made me:

And lastly here are some gifts given to me, using lineart/tuts from my site, Doodles. These girlies are so sweet. Go see them ;)

There are so many other artist's out there that I love... I just don't have all of their stuff uploaded LOL... so if you are thinking, OMG, why didn't she link so-and-so... stuff it. If you want them linked, link them yerself... cuz I am tuckered out right now, and I don't wanna upload anything else LOL. Maybe next time I am really freaking bored. If you really wanna look at more links, go to Doodles & Daydreams. It's my personal site, and I have a ton of sigtags on there :) Links too :)

Some New Cuties

2005-08-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

I kinda had a rough night last night. On top of cleaning for an inspection until 8am, I had a spot of upset... and I ended up crying for the better part of the late evening.

I thought maybe I could spoil myself and buy some graphics so I could have some new pretties. Thought I might show them off.

Here are three of my favs of the moment. I ordered more, but I didn't wanna bore you all. These are all by Katie at The Sigtag Cafe. Each Tag is linked to her, if you like it click on thru and let her know I sent ya

Lissa sent me the girlie with the pencil, and I ordered the other two:

I bought a bunch more, and actually went back for seconds. I can't wait til I get the rest of them... I got the kids these cute tags for "Back to school." They are absolutely adorable.

I plan on hitting up a couple more places, everyone has such cute tags out right now. I need to get Daydreams updated. I have just been so busy doing other things.

Hugs,

Waiting Period

2005-08-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today I have smiled more than I have the whole week. I haven't cried really, except I think one episode, and it ended really quickly. Things might be looking up.

When I had my miscarriage I was told I couldn't have intercourse for 3 weeks. Three weeks isn't a long time in the whole grand scheme of things... I mean, I have been with my husband for about 5 years now... and 3 weeks outta 5 years is just a drop in the bucket. But, when you look at it now... without comparing it to all of the time we have been together, or all of the time we will be together, 3 weeks sounds like forever.

I just want to hold him. And be with him... and to say the unthinkable... I want to make another baby with him. I guess it's hormones, or the pre-existing want for a baby... but today I really want to try again. I feel like saying that aloud is crazy. Now I guess I know what couples feel like when they endure multiple miscarriages and endless heartbreak, just for one more hope that they could be granted their own little miracle. I guess it's a good thing we have to wait for 3 weeks. This way, we can both think long and hard if this is something we really want to do.

I spoke with my DH about it tonight, and he totally dodged the subject. He is afraid he will lose me. He told me if it was something I knew I wanted, than he wanted to do it too. I know he's afraid, but I guess I have been thinking about what everyone has been saying, "What are the chances it could happen again?" His reply to that? "Ask the guy who got struck by lightning 14 times."

End tonight on an Up Note

2005-08-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

I am trying desperately to focus on the good things in my life right now... and put the bad things to the side for a bit. I really don't want to play "victim" or be a "poor me story" that someone else tells their loved ones at dinner.

Here are some things I am grateful for today:

1. Dinner was awesome. My DH does wonders on a grill. Whouda thunk that when we first got together he didn't even know how to light one LOL!! I didn't eat much, but what I did eat tasted like REAL FOOD

2. I got to talk to my Grandma today. She always makes things better. Grandmas are the best :) I love her so much.

3. I had a muse for about an hour. Long enough to make a couple of sigtags, and try out some Image Mapped ones. I hadn't tried that yet, but I think they turned out great :) She promptly ran off after I got those done.

4. My kids went to bed before 10pm. This is a huge thing here as bedtime seems to be a huge ordeal lately. It was nice to have some "Me Time." Seems we hardly ever get that nowadays.

5. I was scared to go to a good friend's website who just had her baby, because I thought I would resent the fact that her baby was born healthy... but I finally went and when I saw a picture of him, a huge smile came across my face. Babies are truly a miracle. And I am grateful that I can feel happiness for someone else's joy... even when I am experiencing my own heartache. It's nice to be able to smile and know it's not fake just so people don't think your crazy and will just leave you alone.

6. I am extremely grateful for all of my Internet friends who have offered an ear, a shoulder to cry on, or just their time to talk. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to, so that really means the world to me that people I have never met in person would offer to help me thru one of the hardest times in my life.

7. I am grateful for the love I receive from my husband. He has a wonderful kindness about him, and he knows how to joke to loosen up the stressful times, and he knows how to kiss the boo boos away. He's my hero, and always will be. I know he doesn't think that, but he is :)

8. My Little Lexie who doesn't like to give kisses, gave me TWO today... she is a hard one to pin down for more than 30 seconds.... she's a busy monkey :) She gives lots and lots of hugs, but rarely kisses. She musta known I needed them.

9. My kids didn't ruin my house. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT! LOL!!

10. I didn't have to watch more than one Disney Movie today! LOL Sometimes you can only handle Lilo & Stitch, or Nightmare Before Christmas so many times before they make ya twitch and feel like yer gonna need a rubber room.

Nothing Comforting about Comfort Food

2005-08-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

I used to find comfort in food. I attribute that to one of the reasons I am overweight. Well, now I am in need of comfort, and food just doesn't even sound good at all. Probably cuz my meds are making me throw up. There is nothing comforting about puking comfort food up. ICK.

Anyway, DH is going for dinner right now. He keeps asking me what I want. The only thing that comes to my mind is my baby. I want my baby. I would starve for a year if I could have my baby back. Food is the farthest thing from my mind. I guess men are different in that aspect. He can't stop talking about steak. I haven't really ate anything all week. I could probably count on one hand the things I have eaten this week. And they all tasted horrible when I did eat them. Not cuz they were bad food, but because I made myself eat them, knowing that if I didn't, I would get sick.

I really wanted to spend today in a good mood. I have been working on pictures, chatting with people, I have been doing some of the things I like to do when I am online... but today has been by far the hardest day so far. It's only 6pm and I have broke down at least half a dozen times. I told someone that I was just taking it day by day... but today it has been hour by hour. I wish this was easier.

The mind is an amazing thing

2005-08-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

Over the last three days I have been in a daze. Kinda on autopilot. And I realized yesterday how amazing your brain can be... even when yer not even thinking about it.

Since Wednesday, everytime I have went to the bathroom I noticed I have been really careful when I have been wiping. Well, yesterday, I realized I was doing that. And I thought to myself "Why are you doing that?" And then it hit me. My brain was telling me to wipe carefully because of the stitches.

STITCHES??

I thought some more. I was on autopilot... and I was pregnant, well... since I was bleeding, that must have meant I had the baby. I have always had stitches after childbirth because my children were all big and over 8 pounds. My mind had put me on autopilot to be careful of the stitches. Even though they weren't even there. *sigh* I thought that was interesting. The brain really is amazing.

On a lighter note, I wanted to write about 5 things I am grateful for right now:

1. To be alive.
2. To have four healthy, wonderful children
3. To have my husband, who is my hero.
4. To have amazing friends who really care.
5. To feel loved everyday that I am alive.

I thought it was over

2005-08-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

But it wasn't. I started to hemorrhage this morning at 4am, and was transferred to the ER by ambulance for emergency surgery. I thought I was gonna die. I lost so much blood they almost gave me a blood transfusion. I feel incredibly overwhelmed with emotions. Not only am I grieving for the loss of a baby I never got to kiss, but I feel so selfish for jeopardizing my life and the wellbeing of my children's. They could have very easily not had a mommy today. They are too young not to have a mommy. That breaks my heart just thinking about it.I just want to hold them so close and tell them I love them... but I hurt too bad.

I can't stop crying and my husband thinks I am gonna make myself sicker because I can't contain myself most times. Now I am so weak, it hurts too much to cry. I guess we just take it one day at a time. Please Please Please don't email me well wishes. I know you all mean well and I appreciate your thoughts, but it's so hard to read them right now, and they are all just too much of a painful reminder of what I no longer have. I am blessed with four wonderful and healthy children, but it doesn't make this loss hurt any less. My heart is broken, and my spirit is shattered. Picking up the pieces will take a long time.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts.

PS I did take the advice of several people and I have copied my last entry and made it more letter-like, and I will be delivering them to 7 different departments at the hospital tomorrow. The injustice of being treated less than I deserved really needs to be brought to the light of management and people who can make a difference.

My Story

2005-08-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

Please don't read if you are easily upset or get depressed reading about grief.

Please... if yer having second thoughts, please don't read this. As I know I will shed many tears writing this... I don't want to unneccessarily upset someone else.

I am writing this for every woman who feels alone, every woman who feels like a failure as a woman, every woman who has had a miscarriage. I am also writing this for a personal account before I forget everything that happened. As bad as I want to forget there was ever a pregnancy and a baby to call my own... I always want to remember how happy I was to be bringing another baby into this world. Losing this baby can't make that love go away... it just makes it harder to put it somewhere.

MY SYMPTOMS
I started spotting on Monday. Thinking it was just the product of an extra sensitive cervix (something I had spoke with my doctor early in my pregnancy about), I didn't think anything of it really. I didn't even call my doctor right away. I waited a couple of hours when it didn't subside, and then I called and spoke with the oncall OB. She really was not very reassuring... and actually made me quite upset over something I just thought was typical and normal for some pregnancies. She kept saying over and over, "well getting upset won't stop whatever events are already occurring. You might as well not get stressed out about it." I kept thinking to myself WHAT EVENTS?? I thought this was just normal spotting from a tender cervix. I really didn't start thinking the unthinkable until after I got off the phone with her. I immediately started to cry when I got off the phone. How can someone just so nonchalantly tell someone not to get upset over the possible loss of a baby? Did this woman even have kids?

I called again on Tuesday night and spoke to another on call because the spotting hadn't stopped. It wasn't heavy... not even enough I had to wear a liner. Just a little pink on the toilet paper when I went to the bathroom. I just wanted to see if this was normal.

I was reassured if it wasn't "flowing" that there probably were not any problems... and I would keep my OB appointment on the 16th (NEXT Tuesday Morning). She also told me that miscarriages this late in the pregnancy (although they happen) most often than not, they happened weeks before 12 weeks, and that she really did not think it was a miscarriage at all. She made me feel so much better about the situation. I got off the phone and cried tears of relief. I wasn't losing my baby. Everything would be okay.

After I spoke to her Tuesday night it turned darker, like old blood... and although it was more spotting than before... I didn't think anything of it, because the blood was darker.... I just thought my body was flushing out the blood that was no longer needed.

Wednesday Morning I got a message from my doctor. He had received notice that I had talked to the oncall... and he wanted to know how everything was. I was elated with the fact that when I got up to go to the bathroom there was no blood to be found. I called the doctor back and told the office that I really didn't think anything was the matter... there was no blood when I went to the bathroom last, and I would just see them on the 16th. All was well. Or so I thought.

At about 4:45pm I got up from a nap, and went to go to the bathroom again, and I wiped and was HORRIFIED. There was so much blood, much more than any other time, and now instead of being dark, it was bright red. I called the office immediately.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound Thursday morning, and had talked back and forth with the office 4 or 5 times. I was really worried now... and began to prepare my husband for the worst.

My husband was up late (he works nights, but this was his night off), and I fell asleep on the couch. When he woke me up at 5am to go to bed I told him I was cramping really bad and I went to the bathroom. Now there was even blood... and I told him I wasn't waiting til 10am to find out, I was gonna drive myself to the ER myself, and I would know as soon as possible.

MY ER VISIT
I drove myself at 5am, because I didn't want my DH and all of the kids to have to wait in the ER for that long. I knew it would be a long visit. When I got to the hospital, I parked in ER parking and I walked in and checked myself in. We went thru triage really fast and I was just in a daze. I got my room, undressed, and laid down on the table with a blue chux pad underneath me. This was all too familiar, as I had a miscarriage about 3 1/2 years ago... and all of the memories came flowing back freely. How long would I have to wait this time to find out if my baby was gone? Last time it was five hours. Five long hours of waiting in a ER room alone without anyone.

The doctor comes in and does a pelvic and wipes away all of the blood and clotting from my cervix. He had a mediocre bedside manner and he wasn't too concerned that I was very uncomfortable. The speculum hurt so much (and I never have that problem)... and he pinched me with it. I jumped, and he seemed uneffected that I had started crying. He finishes and tells me I seem like I am dilated 1 1/2 cm, but for having four kids... that could be normal for me. Don't worry just yet. He leaves the room telling me that the phlebotomist will be in soon to draw blood and rushes out the door.

The phlebotomist showed up... and unlike the doctor, she was amazingly comforting, and she rubbed my shoulders as she looked for a vein. She was encouraging and caring, and I didn't want her to leave.

I have rolling veins, and they are really small, so drawing blood is always a huge task, and although it hurts me a lot... I always feel bad for the people drawing, as I know they don't like to have to put people thru pain. She tried in my wrist, and then again in my upper arm, but to no avail. She says the is invoking the "two poke rule" (something I am very familiar with, as I go thru two sometimes three phlebotomists everytime I have to have a blood draw). She tells me she won't poke me more than twice, and she will call in another girl. She wished me luck and apologized for hurting me. I smiled at her and assured her it wasn't her fault.

The next phlebotomist came in and I told her the same thing I did the last girl "I have rolling veins and it's hard to draw blood from me." I showed her where the last successful blood draws were from, and let he go about trying to find a vein. She had tried on one arm and had went to the other, but was still having some difficulties. She was really really sweet about it though, and was determined to find a good vein before the stabbing commenced. Then the "mediocre-bedside-manner" doctor came in and very impatiently asked if she was done. She calmly explained that she hadn't even started, that she wanted to be sure of a vein before she started to poke me. He seemed to think she was incompetent... and he wanted it done now... and he offered to do a blood draw from my Femoral Artery. Now, if you look at that picture, right where the line labels the artery is right about where he would draw the blood from. I began questioning:

"How is that done?"
"How many have you done?"

This apparently is standard procedure in ER visits with trauma patients. So he was very sure in himself. He had even started feeling for my vein, and became very confident that he could do it faster and more efficiently than my new phlebotomist. Beginning to become overwhelmed, I was starting to give into his very abrasive personality.

"How bad will it hurt?" I asked.
"It doesn't hurt very much at all." He replied as if it were only gonna be a prick of the finger.
"Have you ever had one?" I asked nervously. How could he say how bad it would hurt, if he had never been thru one.
"No, I haven't." He said very abruptly. I was beginning to lose faith.
"Have you?" I looked at my new phlebotomist.
"No, I haven't." She looked at me almost with a look of shame on her face.
I replied, "Forgive me if I have lack of faith in medical staff for a procedure I have never been thru."

He didn't seem to like that, and it was a small blow to his ego. He looked at the phlebotomist as to ask for some backup. She seemed to pick up on it as fast as I did, and she quickly spit out, "Oh sweetie, it will be fine. I have faith, and he knows what he is doing."

"What would you do if you were me?" I said.

They both looked at each other, and then beat around the bush that ultimately it was my decision, and they couldn't tell me what to do.

I gave in and let him start feeling for a vein. I was very very nervous, and clutched the bed with my hand, trying desperately to find an outlet for my fear of the unknown.

POKE!!!

Although he assured me it would be rather painless it was not!! He couldn't find the vein right away, and he swiveled the the needle around in the top of my leg trying desperately not to look like a dumbass. By now I was crying as it hurt so bad, and I swear he kept hitting a nerve cuz every 5 seconds a shard of pain would shoot down my leg and thru my thigh like nothing I had ever felt in my life.

"Are the patients you perform this procedure on AWAKE when you do it?" I wimpered with sarcasm. It hurt so bad. He was sick of me by now, and got this disgusted look on his face and told me they all were. Why was I so upset?

They had five vials of blood they needed filled. Maybe it was four. One really big one that looked like a test tube, and then the other little plastic ones with the little colored tops on them that they normally have used to collect blood. Every single time he had to switch the container out, he lost the vein, and had to go around searching for it again. By now I think my body was going into shock from the pain, and I was shaking so bad I remember I was pleading in my head for the needle to please please please not break off in my leg. The whole procedure only took about 6 or 7 minutes, but when someone is digging around on top of a nerve in search of a vein... that seems like a million years.

The whole situation was so traumatic... but I have to say that both of the phlebotomists I had were the sweetest women ever... and I really thought about calling about both of them, to thank them for their comfort.

So, the blood is drawn. Now I have another nurse come in to inform me that I had to have a catheter so they could fill my bladder up, so it will all show up better on the ultrasound. She also had mediocre bedside manner, and after I had shown upset about needing a catheter, she seemed to lose all patience. I was still crying from the blood draw.

She starts administering the catheter, and she is pulling so hard on my skin that I feel it tear. Now, I know that skin is sensitive down there anyway, and I was already covered in blood anyway... but she got so upset with me when I mentioned that she was pulling to hard and she was tearing my skin.

"No I am not! I administer these all of the time, and I know what I am doing." She blurted out. I felt like a 5 year old getting swatted for saying fart at the dinner table. How was it I just got scolded for someone else hurting me? That just didn't seem right. The catheter went in with no other problems besides that it hurt like hell (don't they always?) and it was really uncomfortble since I had no pain medication.

The ultrasound tech came in, and she was so friendly and nice. She was an older lady and very chatty. She had just moved to this city and she was not familiar with all of the doctors or the layout of the city. We talked about corn, we talked about her degree, we talked about her children and her grandchildren, we talked about everything but the most obvious.

She was surprised I had a cath in, and couldn't figure out how to work it since it was clamped off... and it wasn't the standard procedure she was used to. As an ultrasound tech since the 70s, she had only ever had her patients drink water before the procedure, and very very rarely did she ever have to administer a catheter. She finally got it figured out, and she started filling my bladder. She got about 1/3 of the bag in and I thought I was gonna explode. I started becoming very agitated, and it immediately made my whole back and kidney area start hurting. She dimmed the lights, and said that she wouldn't put the whole bag in if I was already so uncomfortable. She started the ultrasound.

She asked me if I really was almost 12 weeks along. I told her the due date my doctor had given me... but she seemed to question it. Maybe because the baby was small? Maybe my uterus was small? She couldn't tell me. She told me it was hospital policy she couldn't tell me if she had even saw a heartbeat or not. As much as she really wanted to, she could get in serious trouble... and please don't think of her as a cruel heartless person. I didn't. I remember from the first ultrasound that she couldn't tell me anything. I think that's a stupid rule, but I waited there anyway. I tried to talk thru the anxiousness, and blabbered out anything I could think of to take my mind off of what was happening. She was happy to oblige and such a wonderfully sweet woman. She too had made such an unbearable situation just a little bit more tolerable. She was done now and drained my bladder. It was such a sigh of relief. She wheeled me back to my room. It was about 6:30am.

The original doctor came in maybe half an hour later to tell me that they were waiting on the radiologist to look at the pictures, and that they would send another doctor in after they had gotten the results to tell me whether they would admit me, or release me, based on the orders that my OB was calling in. He also informed me thatmy bloodwork had come back and my HCG levels were really really low, and either I was having an abnormal pregnancy or a miscarriage... but we had to wait for the ultrasound to be diagnosed. He left the room telling me that the doctor should be arriving for his shift at 7am, and he should already be in the hospital and would be in momentarily. Just hang tight.

like 30 mins. had passed by, and I was getting really uncomfortable. The nurse who had administered the catheter had told me it was only in for ultrasound purposes, but yet no one had came in to remove it. I remember this happened last time, and they were getting ready to dismiss me, and I was like I can't go with a catheter in still... they looked at me like a scolded dog. The nurse last time was very apologetic. So I wasn't surprised they forgot about it the second time. I paged the nurse's station. Someone came in right away, and I asked when my catheter would be removed. He said he would send someone in right away... and just to hang tight. He was a very caring man, but I could tell he was very rushed. By now I had heard from the sounds in the hallway that a little 8 year old was in another room awaiting treatment for seizures that they couldn't stop, and there was a man in the room beside me that had abnormal EKGs and they thought he was having a heart attack. He was also diabetic and going into shock... so everyone was on high alert for him. I was just a girl with a miscarriage. Who cares about that.

another 30 mins passed by, and a nurse comes in. She kept calling me sweetie. She says, "Let me get your catheter out for you." She comes to the bedside and is almost immediately horrified that the ultrasound tech had clamped it off, so this whole time the catheter wasn't working, and the extra solution (and urine) in my bladder wasn't able to drain. She apologized up and down about it, but I knew it wasn't her fault. What could she do about it. She drained my bladder and pulled the catheter out. It hurt so bad coming out that I gasped and started crying. I was glad it was out though and it was almost immediately so much more comfortable to lay on the hospital bed.

She walks to the door and turns back and says, "Sweetie let me go get your discharge papers and then you can get dressed and go home."

"Go Home??" I was panicked... Home? But the doctor never came in to talk to me.
"Yes, you are free to go. Hop on down and go get dressed, I will be back in a minute, sweetie."

I went and got dressed. I guess I got my answer, and the doctor didn't care about my problems. After all there were other people in the ER with more pressing issues. I came out of the bathroom and she was standing at the door waiting for me. I sat down in the chair and started to put my shoes on. She walked over to me and presented me with a black packet called "Grieving your loss."

My loss. This is how they are telling me? I wasn't even worthy of a person saying "I am so sorry, but you lost your baby." I was so outraged, but at the same time my eyes welled up with tears. It was the confirmation I was waiting for for 3 hours. But it was still so hard to swallow. To add more salt to the wound, she keeps talking to me

"I know you have been thru this before, and you probably know how emotional it can be for you afterwards... but do know it was nothing you could do. Just look at it as God's way of letting you know that this baby wasn't healthy enough to be born. If God wants you to have a big family, he will bless you with many many more children......"

She keeps going on. She was in my room probably 5 mins, and I think I heard her say God 15 times. Right now, GOD was the thing furthest from my mind. I just wanted to be alone in a room so I could cry. She kept comforting me, letting me know that she understood how it felt-- she had miscarried before too, and even though it was hard to think it wasn't my fault, I really had to understand I didn't do anything wrong. I tried to reassure her I understood... but in my heart I really didn't. Why me? Why my baby? She asked if I needed a ride home, and should they call someone. I told her I was driving myself home, and I would be okay. She handed me tissues and she left the room. I sat sobbing, letting tears stain the paper she had given me. "Spontaneous Incomplete Abortion." I composed myself and left in the same haze as I had come in with. It was now close to 8:30am I think.

I went home and tried to lay down. But I had cried so much that I wasn't even tired anymore. I just kept thinking about my baby. At the time of my miscarriage I was 12 weeks along. At 12 weeks along, a fetus can kick and swallow. Fingers and Toes are almost formed, and a fetus starts looking more like a baby. The baby is about 2 inches long. The only thing that is comforting right now is what the ultrasound tech has said. She asked me if I was as far along as I had thought. Maybe that's cuz the baby was too little? Or maybe I wasn't as far along as I was... and maybe, just maybe.... my baby didn't die kicking and swallowing... and maybe, just maybe, there wasn't a baby at all... maybe it was just an amniotic sac (which is all they found during my last miscarriage). I guess I just take it one day at a time. This is one of the hardest days of my life, and it's only half way over.

The unthinkable

2005-08-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

What is a miscarriage?

Here is the definition:

Abortion - spontaneous; Spontaneous abortion

A spontaneous abortion is the loss of a fetus during pregnancy due to natural causes. The term "miscarriage" is the spontaneous termination of a pregnancy before fetal development has reached 20 weeks. Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are categorized as preterm deliveries.

The term "spontaneous abortion" refers to naturally occurring events, not elective or therapeutic abortion procedures.
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Thanks for caring everyone. I don't know when I will be back online. This is a really hard time right now.

Dare I think it?

2005-08-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

Since I have got pregnant I can count on one hand (and have fingers left over) how many times my husband and I have "done the deed." I have been tired, ill, had a headache, or felt like I was gonna puke at the idea of someone bouncing on top of me. It's a wonderful thing the first trimester.

So it's been about a month, and I wanted some time with my husband. Now, I totally regret it. I started spotting, and it was kinda heavy. Heavy enough I waited for my husband to leave (I didn't want him to worry about nothing while he was working) and then I called the OB.

The oncall told me that it wasn't something I should be too terribly worried about, because worrying won't change any events that are already occurring. Way to make me feel better. Now I am a nervous wreck. I wasn't worrying about "occurring events" until she mentioned something about it. With a past miscarriage looming overhead... now I am a wrecked with fear. I called my SIL, and she calmed me down a bit, but it's still so scary to think this thing that creates so much love, could be gone in the blink of an eye.

Anyone who reads this, please keep us in your hearts.

A Peek into My Past

2005-08-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was IMing with an English friend of mine tonight, and we started talking about my family, and the lack of support I receive from them. He replied with the almost obligatory reply that I hear from everyone, "that's sad." I guess it is. But I am used to it.

When I was growing up my mom called me a bitch everyday of my teen years, everytime she got the chance. I was an independent, and sometimes overdramatic girl, trying to discover the woman inside her. I challenged authority whenever I thought it was unjust, or needed to be changed in some way. I refused to be a pawn. My mom didn't like that I didn't jump when she said jump, and that I would rather get beat than clean my room. The biggest problem with my mom and I is that we are too much alike.

I didn't have consensual sex until I was 17, but I had lots of boyfriends. My mom referred to me as a whore on a regular basis as well. A whore? don't they have sex? Sometimes with multiple partners in the same week? Yeah, well... whatever. I know what I know, and she can live in her delusional reality.

I ran away when I was 17. My mom had let my sister's boyfriend move in with us, and he was the same age as I was... and took it as a challenge to see how much authority he could assert over me. He was an ass, who was physically abusive, and my mom and her cohorts thought having all of the lights out in the house during a horror movie was more important than me studying for finals and other classes. They all thought it was fun to smoke and stay up all night drinking wine while I was sleeping in the room next to them. My sister let my mom be dominant because she knew it was an easier and happier life for her. I still refused to be told when to jump.

I came up with this plan to have someone pick me up at 7am at my house, with my bags, and I would leave the little town my mom and dad had moved me to... wave bye to the evil adopted step-brother I had acquired, along with the bitch of a mom who I was born to... and I would never look back.

During the time I was gone I started a whirlwind romance with Reagan, Ian, and Maddie's Dad. He was the first one I called when I got back to town (the town my mom and dad moved me from to go live in this shithole little village in the middle of nowhere). We were best friends. I loved him for the advice he could give me, the respect he showed me, and the flirting never did either one of us any harm. Eventually, that would end in turmoil... but when I was 17 it was bliss.

I was gone for 5 weeks from my house. I travelled to 3 different cities, in two different states, dodged police raids, and having all of my money stolen from me. I was this close to having the shady family I was staying with get me new papers to become the new person I was gonna be. We were already making plans to move to California. That was thousands of miles away from everything I knew. Suddenly I was getting cold feet. I called home. My sister answered and was so upset. My parents were going crazy that they didn't know where I was. I didn't know if that was for fear, or lack of control.... but either way she ended up setting me up. I called back later, when my sister had told me it would be safe to call... only to find out my parents were on the other line of the phone... waiting to beg for me to come home. Promises of a better life, looser reigns, and a later curfew spilled forth over the phone lines. Their ultimate goal was to get me home so that I could graduate highschool. I had already missed the first week. I caved. By running away, I had made the statement that I had wanted to: There is something seriously wrong with this scenario, and something needs to change.

I went back, and worked my ass off in school. I had no social life, as in earlier years my sister had told everyone I was a devil worshipper who had upside down crosses and red candles all over my room. (She did this to gain popularity. I was Miss Popularity in the town we had moved from, and she was the Queen of the Nerds. Now, with this upperhand, she had managed to turn the tables completely and became the Life of the Party.) I studied my ass of, graduated early-- with honors, enrolled in college, and moved out THE DAY I graduated from high school. I had them mail me my diploma. I was never ever going back to that shithole school ever again. And I wouldn't shed a tear if I never had to visit the shithole town my mom and dad moved me to.

What did I get from my parents for this wonderful achievement in my life? Not a party like most, not money like some... not even a congrats. I got a card that was supposed to be funny.... that said "wow, we thought you would never make it.... blah blah blah"

Thanks a fucking lot, Mom and Dad. Glad you believed in me. Just because they dropped out and condemned themselves to a life of factory work and menial jobs here and there, doesn't mean I was gonna follow in the same footsteps.

I was in college (which I hated) before I was 18 (not funded at all by my parents, I had got a scholarship for my grades in highschool). I dropped out a semester later, and moved in with my best friend who was now my sweetheart. Shortly after I started popping out babies, and the rest is my life as we know it.

And still... after all of this (which is only a small glimpse into my real life), I manage to smile. As I told my English Friend, "ya wipe away the tears, realize it won't change, and move on, cuz what else can ya do?" I couldn't choose the family I was born to, but I can choose if I want to be surrounded by their negativity. I still have my days where it hurts, but you know what? The happiness I have created by the choices I have made in my life, FAR outweigh the loss I have for that part of my family. Life Goes On.

Hugs to all of you. And Remember... you always have choices :) Make them :)

The Zoo The Zoo

2005-08-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

OMG, I can't believe I forgot about the zoo. We went to the zoo yesterday and had a BLAST. I wanted to post some of the pics I took while I was there. Most of the time we spent at the zoo was at the aquarium, so that's where most of the pics come from. But they did have an adorable baby gorilla and we sat and watched her play for quite some time.

Here's a couple of the kiddos... for some reason all of the pics I took of Reagan didn't turn out *pouts*
CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE

This peahen laid her eggs in a rest area of the park. She wasn't very happy we were there... and she was VERY protective of her little eggs. She stood staring at the kids the whole time we were there.
CLICK HERE

and this peahen was literally like less than an arm distance away from me. She could have pecked my camera if she would have wanted to. I didn't use any zoom at all.

This little Baby Gorilla was my favorite part of this zoo trip. She was so precious. Just like a little baby, she wore Pampers and followed her caretaker around the cage, begging to be held. She was adorable

And finally, the aquarium. We spent the most time here. They have a tunnel you can walk thru and the sharks and fish swim right over the top of you. The kids LOVE it. I also got some awesome tropical fish pics.... and the obligatory "Dory" fish. LOL!! The "Nemo" pics I took didn't really turn out.
A SHARK SWIMMING OVER

Isn't this Shrimp like the coolest thing you have saw? Such wonderful colors.

Thanks for looking :)

I'm a bad blogger sighs

2005-08-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

Jeez... this is what a bad blogger must look like LOL!! Sorry it's been so long. It's been crazy here. My DH is in school, and now he works a job on the side.

I got an awesome ticker the other day I wanted to share. It's really really cool.

I have it up on a forum I belong to as my sigblock I like it so much. It's so cool since it's interactive.... and by far the coolest one I have ever saw.

As you can see, I am about 10 1/2 weeks along, and at my last doctor's visit he told me that my tentative due date was February 25th... but it might change at the ultrasound. I was relieved when I asked how big my uterus was and if he could confirm that I was in fact NOT having twins. He laughed at me, and said it seemed like a singleton to him. THANK GOODNESS. All of my friends have been joking with me that I am having twins. I don't know why they think that would be funny. I think I would die if I found that out. I am already unsure about 5... but 6?!?! That's just asking for a rubber room for the rest of your life LOL!!

Anyway, I think my muse might have came back for a couple of days, just to duck back out again. She's a little turd like that. I wish I had the desire to draw... it's just not there though. I am hoping this is just an extended dry spell caused by my first trimester, and that it will go away soon.

On the homefront, I got my DH addicted to a new forum with an RPG section. He's more addicted than *I* am HA HA HA HA. It's kinda nice to have him on a forum with me. I wish we had more forums like this we could participate in.

Congratulations... It's a Choc. Chip Cookie!!

2005-07-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

I baked cookies last night and they are so freaking delicious. I don't mean to brag, but these cookies might be some of the best choc. chip cookies I have ever eaten in my LIFE! Maybe it's because I am pregnant and I appreciate chocolate a little more... but DAMN, they are so delicious. I wouldn't be surprised if I have gained 10 pounds when I go into the doctors office tomorrow and they tell me I am giving birth to a giant fat chocolate chip cookie. Wouldn't I be all of the envy of all of the new moms in the nursery? We would have to name her Coco, just out of precedent LOL!!

Anyway, like I mentioned, tomorrow is my first OB appt. Noooo, the sequins won't be pulled out for this event, and I hope to have them tucked away not close to ANYTHING I am wearing. I really hope I can get a confirmation on a due date. Or at least a date for a scheduled ultrasound, so that I can find out when this baby is popping out. I am so anxious to know.

The Amazingly Exhausted Fertile Mertyl

2005-07-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's slowly getting better. I went almost this whole last week without a nap during the day. I still feel like a walking zombie, so I don't know if it's acutally a good thing or not that I am not sleeping. Today is the first day I felt like cleaning in forever. Imagine that... FEELING like cleaning. This house is a disaster.

We were supposed to have company over tonight to grill, but I cancelled on them. I am too exhausted and I don't wanna have to scrub the floor in my bathroom so they can come over. I know that's lame, but really that's how I feel. I miss having people over... but this house is a wreck, and I don't wanna have people over when it looks like a tornado just went thru my living room. My DH pulls like 110% of his weight, so it's not him... and now he's back in school... so I can't ask him to do everything... but I am so tired, I can't do anything. It's a vicious cycle.

I have my appt with my OB on the 26th. Hopefully he can confirm that I am NOT having twins (something people keep joking with me about- Gawd I don't know what I would do with 6 kids *GASPS*), and hopefully he can schedule a time for ultrasound or something, so I can find out a more precise due date. It's crazy telling people "sometime between mid Feb. and early March." So here's hoping.

I am sure he will be totally shocked. I went in and had my annual, and the last thing he said to me was "Well, I guess I will see you in a year, or whenever you get pregnant... whatever comes first." I am sure he's gonna be totally surprised when I go in like 3 mos later and I am already around 2 mos pregnant. I guess we don't mess around. My Grandma doesn't call me "Fertile Mertyl" for nothin' LOL. :)

Thanks for everyone's support. I don't even know who all is reading this anymore... but if ya are, thanks. It's nice to know I have people who care enough about me to keep tabs on me :)

I Can Fly!

2005-07-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I had this wonderful dream last night that I could fly. It was so calming and wonderful... I even taught my children how to fly and we were all flying together. I never wanted to wake up. I love having dreams like that.

41 Hrs of Hell for a lifetime of Memories with my child

2005-07-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have so much I want to write about today... but I don't wanna put it all in one entry because then it seems unorganized and hard to navigate if yer looking for a specific topic.

In my last entry I brought up my ex (who was my BF at the time I was delivering my first child). It made me think of a funny story. Well, it's part of my birthing story, so I figured I would just share the whole story.

Don't let anyone tell you that Childbirth is a beautiful thing, because it's NOT. The only people who say that shit are people who are doped up and passed out when they deliver their babies... oh and I am sure other people on the OTHER end of squirting a watermelon out yer hoohaw would say it's a wonderful experience... but who are they to judge if they haven't experienced the WHOLE carnival ride? The only thing that's beautiful out of Child birth is the very very end. The part when you see your baby for the first time, it's all over and you get to take your wonderful baby, with his or her smooshed face, and cuddle with them. The part where you feel like you have just completed your family. The part where you wanna hold your baby so tight that his or her head could pop off. That's the part that's beautiful (minus the head popping part)... but that actual birthing process isn't beautiful. Just like the last 3 mins of it when you can see that YOU just created and brought another human being into this world.

When I went into labor with my first child I felt a menagerie of mixed emotions. First I was like, "Whoa, this isn't bad at all.. I can handle this... I am a woman, and women do this every day." Then I was so excited that I wanted to put makeup on cuz I wanted to look pretty in all of the pics that would be later snapped of me with said newborn. (yeah, I know... that was the lamest thing I had thought so far LOL). I didn't know if I should wake my boyfriend up or not... I decided I was gonna let him rest because there was no use in waking him up... I could do this for awhile by myself... it didn't hurt at all... Just breathe.

I waddled into the bathroom and started a shower, and I was getting ready to have a baby. Breathe, this isn't bad, just breathe. Toweled off, and began getting dressed, and applying makeup. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. It's not bad at all. I might even labor this whole thing at home... I can handle it, it's really not that bad at all.

After I put on my makeup I started packing the bag to go to the hospital. Totally clear minded and excited to meet my new baby. I couldn't wait to hold him or her in my arms. Pack, breathe, pack... I was becoming a pro at this breathing stuff.

I thought it was about time to wake my boyfriend up to tell him the good news. I didn't want him to miss anything. I woke him up and told him he couldn't go to work that day because WE WERE HAVING A BABY!!! I was still perky and excited. Little did I know the hell I was in for.

He was so excited he jumped outta bed, and I think the adrenaline had kinda wore off for me, because I was starting to want a nap, so I laid down on the couch, and my Boyfriend timed contractions. Now they were getting a bit worse, but not so bad that I didn't think I would be able to handle it. I was after all doing this for a few hours, and I had become a pro. Breathe.

Finally they were 5 mins apart, and I was kinda feeling tired, as I was breathing all day and to my surprise the contractions weren't lessening with each breath... they were getting worse. I tell my BF it's time to go to the hospital. We have been at five mins apart for over an hour.... and that was when the doctor said to go to the hospital.

We get to the hospital, and what happens? Any laboring woman's nightmare. The freaking things stopped. How freaking wonderful. I had them all of the way into the room, and the minute I am hooked up to a monitor the baby decides it's not time after all. I begged the nurse to believe me. They had just been there for an hour... steadily for an hour I was breathing. How and why would they go away? They told me to go back home. I was really disappointed.

By now it's like after lunchtime and I am starving because I haven't eaten anything since dinner time the night before. So we go to Blimpies (a sub place here) and I decide against my better judgment that I was gonna get a foot long ham and turkey and some chips. I figured I had a long road ahead of me, and I knew they wouldn't let me eat after I got to the hospital. I didn't wanna deliver a baby and be hungry at the same time... so I scarfed down the food

My contractions had came back the minute I left the hospital, and they continued into the night until my cool and composed self had melted away and now I was tired, in major pain, and I just wanted this baby out of me. Finally we go back to the hospital, begging for help. My contractions were erratic, I thought I was dying... the hospital had to take mercy on me and help. They admitted me.

After hours of still erratic contractions, and no progress they ask me if I would like some demerol, or was it morphine? I can't remember I was so hopped up at the time... I just remember I got two of the shots, like maybe an hour between them... and the morphine made me feel like I was floating on the ceiling. And it also made me feel something else.

I begged the nurse. Unplug the monitors. PLEASE. I had to go to the bathroom immediately. I was about to ralph up everything I had for lunch and I wanted to do it in private and not all over myself. She denies me the decency of puking in the bathroom and kindly hands me a puke cup thing. Now, I know you know what I am talking about. It's like shaped like a kidney bean, and like the size of your hand. I just looked down at that thing, and pictured my footlong sitting in it. It wasn't even as big as my footlong was. This was a nightmare.

So I proceed to get sick. EVERYWHERE. I filled the cup, all over my gown, all over the bed, and all over the nice nurse that wouldn't give me the decency of puking in the bathroom. and I do mean ALL OVER her. Serves her right. She should listen to people a little more closely.

I was shucked down and standing butt naked in my room with the door wide open while she was cleaning everything up. A guy walked by. I am sure that's exactly what he wanted to see... Shamu, with puke all over her butt naked crying about how sorry she was that she ate the footlong. I will never forget his face. That poor man.

Did I mention that the drugs did NOTHING for me? But because I was administered narcotics, they had to keep me overnight. And that I was still having contractions from hell. My BF decided he was exhausted and he fell asleep on the floor. I was never really sleeping, more like speed catnapping between every horrid contraction. I couldn't handle looking up thru my sweaty hair and seeing him sleeping so peacefully on the floor.

"GET UP!!" I shouted at him. "Get up and help me!!"

I will never in my life forget what he said back to me. Never.

As he laid balled up on the floor, sleeping, he motions with his hands, "I am up. Don't you see? I am making you these jelly things. Don't you see?"

He holds one up so I can nod in approval. He is still sleeping, so he doesn't really care what is happening at the moment... he is just so proud to be making Jelly Things.

WTF. I about came unglued. "WHAT JELLY THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! You are sleeping on the floor. If I have to go thru this awake, you are too!!! GET UP!!!!!!"

So he got back up. Miserable as hell. But not as miserable as me. This goes on thru the night and into the morning. Then, they released me. It was backlabor that was too erratic to admit me as a laboring mother. I still wasn't dilating. I was beyond breathing. I just wanted to die.

Over 24 hours of labor, and nothing had happened yet. Nothing. They had sent me home from the hospital twice already, and told me to take Tylenol at home for any pain I might be experiencing. SCREW THAT!! If this baby could handle Demerol and Morphine, I was at least taking some Motrin.

We go over to my BFs mom's to score a heating pad, because my back hurt so bad. She offers up homemade mac n cheese. Just the thought of the night before made me pass on that right away. We would not be having any repeat performances of that.

I waited for several more hours on the couch at home while my BF played Mario Kart and timed my contractions. Finally it was time to go back to the hospital. Or so I thought.

I have already been in labor for like 30 hours. And lemme tell you putting on makeup was the LAST thing on my mind before we left. I prayed the whole way to the hospital that they please just cut this baby outta me and put me outta my misery. But that didn't happen.

They admit me, because I have already been there twice, and they can see the anguish on my face. Still wasn't dilating or effacing, so they put me on Pitocin. More hours go by and more labor haunted me. I begged for an epidural.

Finally I got one... but to my amazement, that just shifted the pain. Now instead of my bottom half of my body hurting, it left room for me to realize that for a day and a half now all of my neck and back muscles were tensed up and I was aching like crazy up there. I couldn't even lift my arms when it was time to grab the handles to push. I was a wreck.

But somehow she was born. A GIRL! I didn't think I would survive it. 41 hours of back labor and total hell. It wasn't a beautiful experience until I got to see the hair on the top of her head as she was crowning. And then I realized this is why women do this. This is why women endure total hell for hours and hours. The love that exudes from your body in those moments after you see your baby crowning... it's so much stronger than any painful contraction ever could be. Love is what got me thru those last moments when I thought I would just pass out and die. Love and the excitement to meet my baby. It was finally over.

A Seasoned Newbie

2005-07-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes something in your life changes and all of the sudden you realize that really it's more common than you had once thought? For example, when I was little my mom got this car. The dealer called the color "Champagne." I remember when I heard that, I thought it was ridiculous... and that I had NEVER saw a car that color before... who would think to color their car "Champagne" anyway? Well, after we had the car for less than a week, I realized "champagne" wasn't such a crazy color, and it seemed everyone and their mom had a car that color... or at least everyone's GRANDMA did LOL!! Then it wasn't so weird anymore.

Fastforward to today. I open up my Internet Explorer and the first thing I see on msn.com is a impregnated tummy (with no stretchmarks and a perfect belly button mind you... they have to keep SOME kind of glamour about them)... followed by three or four pregnancy articles. Most of them seemed to be written with the "first time mom" in mind... not towards the seasoned mom who has already birthed four watermelons... but I read them anyway.

One article made me remember all of the things I was so afraid of as a first time mom. I was worried about how bad it would feel? What would the hospital be like? Would my boyfriend be able to handle the stress of me being totally irritated and possibly screaming like a lunatic? Would the baby be healthy? Would he or she cry right away? What if I had to get an amnio done? Blah blah blah... the list goes on.

And then I realized... I have to go to a different hospital this time. The hospital I went to had closed their maternity ward (I cried when I saw it on the news... all four of my children were delivered there)... so now I actually have to tour another hospital. I hate hospitals. Absolutely abhor them. And now I have to tour one. Thank gawd I will be able to keep my same OB. I totally love him... even though he DID pull a sequin off my ass.

Just makes me think how many OTHER things are gonna change with THIS pregnancy? So much is new already, and we are still only in the first trimester.

Thanksgiving Came Early

2005-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ever felt like making a big dinner all for nothing? That's what I made tonight. I made my DH go earlier this week for a turkey, and I roasted it tonight. I also made homemade mashed taters and gravy. It was soooooooo delicious. I told my DH that I was gonna make myself sick trying to find stuff to eat the gravy with LOL!! It's SOOOOOO Yummy!! I forgot how much I love homemade turkey gravy. We really should have it more than once or twice a year :)

I joined another forum this week, and I was reminded of a thing that Oprah had mentioned on her show a million years ago (Yeah, I am a victim of Oprah... she's not ALL BAD...). She said she keeps a journal of five things that she feels blessed for that happened to her that day. I thought maybe since it was fresh on my mind I would write five things that I am grateful for today.

1. That the turkey turned out good and it wasn't dry. I always worry about that when I roast a turkey.

2. That I lasted the whole day without having to take a nap. Even though it was out of necessity. (I was babysitting and cooking all day) It's getting better. This is 3 days in a row.

3. That the cable company called a few days ago and they are offering the DVR for .60 cheaper than I was getting my normal cable plan. I also got another pay channel for free. It arrived today. Gotta love stuff for free.

4. That my DH likes all of his classes (today was the first day of a couple of classes for him). I am grateful he doesn't have to suffer thru another quarter full of classes he hates to go to.

5. That there are leftovers from tonight's dinner. Some families don't have enough to feed themselves, and I was blessed enough to have leftovers.

6. That my grandma is healthy as she can be and has survived another Bday. Happy Bday, Grandma. You mean the world to me.

okay, so I feel extra blessed I guess... had to fit one more in there ;)

A bit of this A bit of that

2005-07-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

Thought I would post some links to some stories I found incredible, ridiculous, or just plain insane or funny.

Just One More Reason Men Can't Handle Having Babies

Men will Go blind before they give up sex

Can the world REALLY handle TWO more Brittanys? As if One wasn't Bad enough!

Don't Feed the Animals!

One More Reason to Have a blog...

Or Not! LOL!!

SCREW THE PEPPERSPRAY!

The Lemmings New Descendants?

Some People's Kids

Got any others you would like to share?

Usher in the Hormones

2005-07-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

I am so tired still.... and pathetic at times it seems. LOL

Today I sat on my couch and cried cuz I didn't wanna take a nap, but I was so tired that I knew I needed to. Talk about acting like a 3 year old. I am just so sick of sleeping.

Soon I hope I have the strength to last a day without taking 2 or more naps. At least I don't have morning sickness. I don't know if I could spend the little time I am awake in the freaking bathroom puking.

Photo Manipulation

2005-07-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share some photo manipulation I did today with some pics of the kiddos. I hope you guys like them.

This first pic is not the original. It originally had a car in it that I thought was an eyesore.... so I took it out. Isn't this a great pic of the kiddos? It's so hard to get pics of them all together and smiling. Even if Lexie won't keep her eyes open while the camera is on LOL!!

This is the original with the car still in it. I used layers, cloning, and smudge in PSP7 to get rid of it.

and here is a random animation I did of the kiddos that I thought was absolutely precious :) I love these ice cream pics. It was so hot outside, and we decided that after the park we would pick up some ice cream cones on the way home. This was the photo shoot that took place while the ice cream was melting :) I can't wait to make a scrap page with all of the pics I got :)

If I don't hit this place up before the fourth... HAPPY FOURTH Y'ALL!! Hope you all get to blow as much up as ya want :)

50 1st Dates

2005-07-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I just watched 50 1st dates. That movie totally kicks ass. I love that he wanted to be with her so much he put up with so much. The plot was very sweet, makes you almost wanna be her. Oh to fall in love everyday... how exhilerating. The end got me though... I couldn't imagine waking up and having a daughter that old and not being able to remember her. I think I love my kids so much I don't think I would ever wanna go to sleep.

The Name Game

2005-06-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm starting super early this time... I hope this doesn't jinx anything, but when I was pregnant with Lexie we didn't have a name for her until about a week before her due date. Talk about having some anxiety issues....

so now I am starting early.

I love the name Octavia for a girl. I would call her Tavie. I think that's absolutely precious. But my DH didn't like it last time around, so I think I will be fighting an uphill battle this time around too.

We had Lucian Xander picked out last time, which I thought was cute. I really liked the name Xander, and I liked Lucian too... but now I don't like them. I have my reasons.

My DH has this obsession with horror movies and stuff like that, and also with naming our kid after demons, or something satanic, or something strange and bizarre. I refuse to do that. I think it's so wrong to strap that onto an innocent baby who has no say in the process whatsoever.

For example. When we got together he wanted to name his first son Cthulhu. Yeah, I typed that right, and no it's not a typo. You wanna know what cthulhu is? He is some sort of water demon. Yeah, a freaking demon. Wanna see a pic of him? Here is a pic of Cthulhu drawn by James Ryman Now, as if not being able to get past the fact that NO ONE would be able to spell it or prounounce it wouldn't deter you enough... but WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANNA NAME YOUR PRECIOUS BABY AFTER SOMETHING THAT HEINOUS??? Damn, and people thought I had issues when my oldest got the middle name Anastasia.

Okay, and following a close 2nd to Cthulhu, is Carpathia. Can you just imagine that? Her last name making her first name cut off on the attendance roster.... and all of the sudden the teacher having to call my poor daughter Carp or Carpet. I could see the psychological scars now :|

Carpathia is of course the mountain range next to Transylvania. What is transylvania famous for? That's right: Vampires.

Strike two for the hubby.

And then, he wanted me to name my kid Anton Szandor after Anton LaVey of course. Now, my DH swears up and down he isn't a Laveyian Satanist but sometimes I think I have to disagree. And although their nine sins aren't actually that far off from things I believe (check it out before you gasp and freak out) I still don't like the thought of affiliating my child with something as scary and shady as that.

So, I did mention earlier that I liked the name Xander and we kinda compromised and came to an agreement that we could both live with that. I have liked Xander for many many years, since even before I knew him. And Lucian as well... and we could call him Luc. I thought that would be cute. And even though I knew there was some hint of something that could be satanic, I just closed my eyes and looked the other way... thinking maybe possibly he didn't like the name for that reason.

Then when I got pregnant again he mentioned if we had a boy we already had a name picked out, and I was like "as long as it doesn't have some satanic meaning I don't care" He was like, "well, it does... but nevermind... I don't want you to hate this name too."

So now I don't like it.

I refuse to name my kid after some demon or satanic meaning, word or otherwise. I guess it comes down to this: If it's popping out my crotch... I will have the final say in what the name is.

Pondering

2005-06-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

I wonder what this baby is gonna be like? All four of my kids have totally different personalities. I wonder if this one will have a totally different one, or will he or she draw little things from each one of the other kids?

For Example:

Reagan is all about the rules and doing "what's right." She was by far my easiest baby cuz she never got into anything, slept til 2pm and she didn't like to get dirty. Now, observe a conversation I had with her in when she was in kindergarten.

Reagan: Mommy, I wanna have all of the kids over from my class for a playdate

Mommy: ALL of them??

Reagan: I wanna have a rules party. We can invite them all over and we can see who can follow the rules the longest.

Mommy: I think they would like McDonald's playland more, sweetie. I think yer the only one who would like to attend a Rules Party.

Reagan: But mommy, it would be FUN!!

FUN? My daughter's idea of fun is seeing how long everyone can follow the rules?? It took over a week to convince her that people wouldn't like to do that.

And then following her is her direct opposite, Ian. Ian is strongwilled, defiant, knows what he wants and no obstacle or possible punishment will stop him from achieving his goal. He is aggressive, and sometimes just downright mean... but he is also way more cuddly than any other of my children, and he repeats 'I love you' to me, at least 15 times a day.

Maddie is a total girlie girl, she likes to change her clothes like 50 times a day... her favorite color is purple, and she is constantly playing dressup. She whines a bit, and throws a tantrum if she can't have her blankie and we are still fighting with her not to suck her thumb.

And then there is Lexie LOL!! She is so much different than any other little girl I have ever saw. She LOVES bugs, she carries around a skeleton named 'Honeyboo' and is very obsessive about it. She loves Monsters and anything scary. She begs to watch Creepshow and Aliens vs Predators because when I wasn't around my DH let them all watch these shows. I won't allow it now, but she still begs. On top of all of these "boy traits" though, she loves to be a "pretty princess" and to dress up and look cute. She's definitely good for a laugh as she is very unpredictable.

I wonder what this baby is gonna be like? Is she gonna be like me? Is he gonna have dark hair or light? Is she gonna be tall and skinny like Reagan? Is he gonna be a pudge like Lexie? Is she gonna wanna cuddle all of the time? Is he gonna like bugs? I am so curious. I really can't wait to find out... even though it won't be for a few years.

Didn't Know I Would Feel So Guilty

2005-06-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I went to the docs yesterday and with the help of a wonderful older lady had my blood drawn with minimal pain (Thank god, cuz usually it's a nightmare... I have rolling veins and they can never even find a vein to draw from. The last time they drew blood it was outta my knuckle). She was really nice. If I wouldn't have been so scatterbrained cuz I was getting my blood drawn, I would have got her name to put in a nice comment for her... cuz she really was a breath of fresh air. Even if she was stabbing me to get my blood LOL.

Anyway, the point of bringing it up is that it's not just two pink lines anymore. They confirmed it at 1:15pm on Wednesday. I am still in shock. Not like slide your feet across the carpet and touch someone kinda shocked... more like stepping in a big giant ass puddle during an electrical storm right when lightning decides to strike an inch from your feet kind of shock. ZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP! It still hasn't sunk in.

What HAS set in was guilt. I feel sooooooooo guilty. I have four kids. Wonderful kids. I am so blessed. And some people can't even conceive one. They try years and years... and all without success. They realllllllly want a baby. Lots of couples don't even have ONE baby... muchless FOUR, or FIVE. Why am *I* so special? What makes me so fertile that I can get pregnant the FIRST time we have unprotected sex? I feel so guilty.

I started a thread in a forum I belong to about TTC and PCOS... cuz I really wanted to know how many other girlies out there are trying to have a baby. I was amazed at how many girls have PCOS and want children but can't have one, or at least they can't conceive one and carry it to term. That's totally heartbreaking. There are certain things everyone should be able to experience in life. Being a parent is one of them (if they so desire of course). No one should be denied the wonderful bliss of raising a child. Well, it's not ALL wonderful bliss.... my son puts me thru hell... but I wouldn't trade him in for the world. And even though I have mountains of dirty laundry, and piles of dirty dishes, and days I wanna scream cuz my kids drive me crazy... it's all okay at the end of the night because there is not much that's better to look at than the innocence of a sleeping child.

Anyway, so because there were so many women who were TTC... I have decided I am not going to publicly post there about my pregnancy, at least not now. I don't wanna rub it in anyone's face. I would love to have the support of a lot of my friends there, but not at the expense of the feelings of some other really great girlies. We aren't telling anyone else really either. I told my SIL, and DH told his Best Friend and his Best Friend's Brother.... but hopefully I can get him to contain this can of worms until I can get used to the fact... that and until we are outta the red a little... so I know we are in the clear for a healthy pregnancy. Nothing worse than a bunch of people who know you are pregnant, and then losing the baby. I don't know what I would do if someone wouldn't know about a miscarriage and then ask about how the baby was doing. Talk about ripping your heart out.

Anyway... so I am extremely tired... I guess now I know why. I can't stop taking catnaps... but at least now I know that there is a good reason for it. I just woke up like 30 mins ago from a 2 hour nap and it was 10:30 pm. And I wanna go to bed now. I just didn't wanna leave anyone who I haven't caught on IM or thru email totally hanging. Anyone who might just read my blog to keep up on me :) It's nice to know people care enough to keep tabs on my blog. Thanks to everyone, you know who you are.

Two Pink Lines

2005-06-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

yeah, that's right... that's what the little stick showed anyway. I stared at it for almost an hour... in total disbelief. I am gonna call tomorrow to see if I can get a blood test at the doctor's office. I don't wanna alarm my DH though, so I think I am gonna have to come up with some lame excuse as to why I have to leave the house... that is IF I can get the appointment. My husband really wants another baby... and I scared shitless. I can't stop shaking. I could just cry right now if the kids weren't here and wouldn't be asking me why I was so upset.

I almost feel guilty. There are so many other women out there who want children so badly... and try for years to conceive. They don't have any kids at all and spend tens of thousands of dollars on fertility stuff so they can POSSIBLY one day conceive a miracle child. And here I am... I have had unprotected sex twice and I am already knocked up. Well, I have two pink lines anyway... I guess I will find out later this week if I am pregnant for sure.

Which brings me something else to worry about.

Right before Lexie was conceived, I miscarried. Now I am afraid it might happen again. And my husband was so hurt when I miscarried the first time. Like his heart was ripped out and spit on. I don't want him to go thru that again. It's like a personal failure. Like I wasn't good enough to carry a child. I thought he was gonna hate me. He didn't of course, but at the time, I was so worried he would. Like I was the one and only reason his baby wasn't alive.

I guess this is just the informal prelude to finding out. Pregnancy tests are wrong all of the time. I need to know FOR REAL if I am pregnant or not. Hopefully it will have sunk in by then. For now it's just two pink lines.

Pregnant Already?

2005-06-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

My chest has hurt since like a week ago. At first I thought it was cuz I had a horrible cold... and it made my whole body hurt. But now, the cold is gone, and here I am feeling completely fine-- except my chest still hurts. Now I think it's psychological.

I was stupid and didn't write down when I started my last period. Pretty stupid thing to do for someone who is talking about conceiving a baby. Now I can't remember and my cycle is never concrete and I start at different days each month, so I never know down to the day when I will be starting. But at least I know like within the few days before or after when it should come... but not this month. I WISH I was that regular to be able to know down to the day. I think I have scared my body into thinking I am pregnant. We have only had unprotected sex twice. Then again... it seems like I get pregnant at a drop of a hat.

Reagan was conceived using condoms
I can't remember if Ian was...
Madison was ONE NIGHT of unprotected sex
I had a miscarriage right be I got pregnant with Lexie on New Years Eve
And then Lexie was conceived like 3 mos after that. (we were trying for her though)

So now I wanna go get a pregnancy test so I can just know. I don't like sitting around and wondering. With all my pregnancies (except Reagan) I got a UTI ... and I have not yet been blessed with that hell... so it makes me question whether I am pregnant or not. I don't want my DH to know, cuz I don't want to get him excited for nothing. He really wants another baby... it's me who is not so sure.

Anyway, so I guess I am done rambling... I might go later today for a test, if anything is new, I might be back.

Karma's a Bitch, Idn't it??

2005-06-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhh, Sweet Karma. Oh how I love thee. Let me count the ways.

Okay, I will get real... sorry, 'bout that.

I think my sister and my ex finally broke up. He is finally getting his own apartment (he was taking my kiddos over to my sister's every weekened when he had them). From what the kids say, my sister and my ex fight ALL OF THE TIME.... and now I have heard him talking of another girl he met at his new job. Could it be? Did the soulmates' eternal bliss finally die out? Maybe my sister was just trying to prove to herself that she could make a relationship work as long as I could? (Something that would have been matched a couple of months ago... when she finally was with my ex for the same time I was. Personally, I think she was sick of the kids, and he is sick of the tweak (something I heard she WON'T give up).... and although he is still a tweaker... hopefully this will be the road to recovery.

Now for all you moms (or dads) out there that is reading this now going "OH MY GOD! You send your kids with a meth addict?" Let me be clear that I am not happy about this arrangement... but the court said until I had solid proof (which I wasn't allowed to get because I was just the bitter bitch ex), that I couldn't withhold visitation from him. The psychologist also said that denying them visitation would be worse than exposing them to whatever evils might be over there. Yeaaaaaaaaahhhh... and this person has a degree?? I think THEY were the ones smoking crack!

Anyway back to my story...

I am hoping that he isn't just blowing smoke up my ass to try to make me think he isn't still with my whore sister... but something is telling me that he isn't.... he was all giddy on the phone with this new girl... and I haven't saw him like that for a long time.

Ahhhhhhhh, I always thought that I didn't need to seek revenge, because what comes around goes around... and eventually my sister would get what is coming to her. She is a homewrecker, and liar, a thief, and a horrible sister. She broke up my family just for a piece of ass... but if you ask her, it never happened. Don't mind that my dad caught him naked at my sister's house at 4am, or the fact that I saw them hugging at the grocery store... or even the fact that Reagan asked me if Daddy and her aunt were "boyfriend and girlfriend" because they sleep in the same bed at night. Not to mention his best friend ratted him out... and a bunch of his old co-workers as well. And *I* am the delusional one?!?!? Karma's a bitch... and she finally got hers. I hope she rots in a hell worse than she can ever imagine. She deserves every second of it.

I, on the otherhand... am on cloud nine at the thoughts that my sister could actually be miserable. I know that sounds heartless and cruel... but I guess I am gonna be selfish for a little while, and say that I don't really care. What she did can not ever be forgot... and although it would be easier to get over her tearing my family apart (which I did when I found my wonderful husband and got married to him)... I cannot forget the fact that she continually lied to me about it for 5 years. I cannot and will not put up with a liar. After I finally got over the fact that I didn't need my sister in my life, I have been so much more at ease with this whole situation. Sisters or not... I don't need someone in my life who treats me like that. I am a strong woman, and I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Something I doubt my sister will ever do. She is so wrapped up in her own delusional world to realize the havoc she has caused and the ruins she has created. Let her wallow in it for awhile. Finally, I am the one who is happy... and she is the one who left in the shadows. It feels so good to close that chapter of my life.

Loving Parents Don't Put Their Kids in Therapy

2005-06-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I went and did the intake for my son's therapy treatment. I have to say that was a horrible experience and I was totally blindsided. They asked me a million questions about me, and almost made it sound like they were trying to make me feel as if this probelm my son is having is all my fault.

Is parenting too stressful?
Are you happy with your life now that you had kids?
Do you find yourself regretting having children?
Do you wish you never had children?
Do you think your children just misbehave to spite you?
Are your children loved?
Do they smile?
Do they show affection to you?
Do you think you are a good mom?

And the list goes on. Like I am some monster. I don't even know if I wanna take him back. If *I* was the problem, I would think that ALL my kids would have issues.

Some of the questions I was asked I was thinking YEAH RIGHT!!... c'mon. WTF!

Stuff like:

Were you happy with your last clothing purchase? I am assuming this is cuz now that I have kids, I must be a fat cow with no self esteem and I have to resort to Tents R Us for my clothing. GAWD!

Another one I was asked was:

Are you happy with your sex life? I was thinking why the fuck does this have to do ANYTHING with my son and the fact that he won't quit stealing and lying? Even if I wasn't (which I am) I wouldn't be discussing it with a pediatric psychologist :|

And to think I was putting my son in therapy to try to stop his behavior so he doesn't end up with a rap sheet. Because I love him, and I care about him... but apparently that's not good enough.

Hint 256: Evade Inspections by Gargling Gravel

2005-06-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

So this cold apparently wants to hold on until I am old and gray. I just can't kick it. It seems like every day it's a new symptom in this carnival ride of viral hell. What I wouldn't give for a throat transplant... for one that didn't feel like I just swallowed broken glass or gravel. There is only so many Halls you can suck on before your tongue feels like it's gonna fall off and yer on a menthol high floating high up in the clouds somewhere. It doesn't help that several times this week I have had to stay up really late... and haven't gotten any sleep.

We started cleaning our house on Wednesday. We knew our nazi landlords were coming on Friday to inspect (something they do every other month), and we wanted to get an early start. Well, we didn't get as big of a jump on things as we had hoped. Thursday night came around, and I was dead on my feet. This cold is kicking my ass. I stayed up til 4am cleaning this and that, and trying not to fall over cuz I was so dizzy. Not to mention that when yer cleaning a shower, HOT FLASHES SUCK!!

So anyway, I finally tell my husband that I can no longer stand up, and I have to go to bed. So he stays up until 6am cleaning more. (these people are sticklers and we always have to wait to clean at the last moment cuz otherwise the beautiful little people here I call my darling children go and mess it all up again.)

10am rolls around and my hubby wakes me up "They are gonna be here soon, you better wake up." He goes to the bathroom. Then, I hear the doorbell ring. SEVEN FREAKING TIMES. I think she musta accidentally superglued her finger to the button and kept falling against the house trying to get it off there. JEEZ. Like the first 2 or 5 times weren't enough. She is worse than a 3 year old. *making a mental note to disable that sucker for the next time she superglues her ass to my doorbell*

I walk to the door, looking like death warmed over... and I am pissy cuz I didn't get any sleep. Not to mention I am sicker than a freaking dog... and I just wanna be sleeping.

"I would appreciate it if you would only ring the doorbell ONE time. I can hear it when you only ring it once. My kids are sometimes taking naps or still sleeping when you get here, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't wake them up." I had a scowl on my face and was in no mood to dance around the way I felt about her.
"Still sleeping?!?!?!" She is in total amazement. Maybe just cuz her freakish ass gets up with the freaking sun she can't comprehend that some people sleep until 10am. Especially if they were just up til 4am.
"If you can't tell by my voice, I am really sick, and I have been trying to rest as much as possible." My voice sounded like I had just gargled with gravel, and she looked at me as if it hurt her to listen to me talk.

Then what does she do?? She slams the glass door in my face, and proceeds to talk to me thru the glass, "We will just skip your unit then, and come back next time." The Exterminator slipped past me like if he might brush against me it meant that he would die a horrible death. They both looked at me like I was suffering from some deadly plague... and how dare I expose their precious bodies.

So we stayed up for the whole freaking night for nothing. She didn't even step foot in my house. Guess I will remember this trick and store it for another day.

Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad, Rejection Monster?

2005-06-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I graduated in March with a degree in Marketing Management. Before I went to school (for 3 years) I had a handful of crappy jobs but I always managed to stay stable and keep a job for quite awhile. My first job was at a computer store and I worked there for 4 years. I also had a job at a convenient store, was there for a year and then we moved outta the area... so I couldn't work there anymore. Good thing too, cuz my boss was such a bitch and she was waaaaaaaaaay taking advantage of "yeah, I can work a couple graveyards on the weekends" And she made it into "Here is your new fulltime position.. I hope you like working with weirdos and freaks who can't sleep and come buy icees at 3:30am." Jeez... what a lazy slack ass she was. After there, I got a job at Target and I worked there for about 3 years. My ex got me fired from there cuz he would never watch the kids (and he wouldn't let me put them in daycare), and when I tried to reapply a few years later they laughed in my face. That's the thanks I get for making them millions by getting the most people in my area to sign up for that highway robbery Target Card they were pushing. I didn't wanna work there anyway. That's the first interview I have ever went to that I didn't get the job for. Talk about a reality check.

After that I stopped looking for a job. I was going to school fulltime and I was busy enough with papers, and finals, and everything else. I didn't need a job. Until my last quarter. I worked at the Women's Shelter and that was a huge waste of time. And then I graduated. I haven't looked for a job since then.

Now I have my degree, no job, and loan bills getting ready to come in. And I am too afraid of rejection to go apply for jobs. I don't know what to do. My husband goes to school fulltime, and he wants to get a job just so we can pay the bills and have some extra cash. I have my website, but that's so sporadic, I never know how much money we are gonna have each week.

I wish I could get over this... I feel so bad. I come up with every excuse in the book. I don't wanna go get a job if I am gonna have to quit cuz I get pregnant. We don't have daycare. Why don't we wait until Madison is in school? I don't wanna settle for a job, I want a career.... the list goes on. And on. And on. *sigh* Of all things to be afraid of, rejection is the worst. It's so hard to get over it. And it paralyzes a person into not doing something they really want to do.

Oh to have a job I want to go to everyday. But to get the job, I have to get the interview.

Super Hero, Stealth Boy!

2005-06-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and felt like death warmed over. Not just like luke warm death, but more like death scalded over. Ugh, why me.

I don't even have a voice, and tommorrow I have an appointment with the Vice Principal at the kids' school to meet with someone about getting Ian into a therapy program for his behavior. It's really getting ridiculous. He has moved on from getting up and getting into little things, to playing with $300 pieces of electronics and eating all of the ice cream bars and soda he can before anyone realizes he's up. He's like he has stealth powers. He would make a good super hero. He is so quiet that no one hears him make a peep... and it's like he creeps thru the house like a lionness hunting her prey. "what can I destroy now? and then deny later?" My latest casualty was my Camera. My DH spent almost $300 on it, and he proceeded to go around the house taking pics of himself, his pajamas, and any other inanimate objects that might be around him at the time. When my DH found him (and said camera) my son of course denied everything... even though the card is full up of pics OF HIM!!! Jeez, sometimes I don't think he thinks. My husband thought it was broke, and had to try three times to get it to turn on. Gawd. To rip my hair out right now... I really don't know what to do.

Anyway, so I guess we will see tomorrow. Worse case scenario they can't help him, and I am back to square one... which is where I am now. What's a mom to do when she refuses to put her kids on Ritalin?

How does one steal their own graphics?

2005-06-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

Well it's official... I apparently DON'T advertise my premade site enough... even my own members don't know about it apparently. Well, I guess she might not be a member, could just be a fan of mine... or just could hate thieves altogether.

Anyway, I have had a crappy day. I am sick, and think I have an eye infection... I couldn't pixel at all, and I went to actually see if anyone who put in orders were flaming me yet on my tagboard. (Which I dunno why... cuz all of the girlies I know are so sweet and I am sure they understand that people get sick)... anyway... I came in to see this tag:

Lovethissitebutconfu» In sigtags the outline used for the animals is from danger doodles.com wikthout credit!

They didn't link a name, and all I have is an IP addy, so I can't even get ahold of them. At first I didn't know what to do... except for about die laughing. *I* stole from Dangers Doodles??? I *OWN* Dangers Doodles. It kinda ticked me off, but then I realized that my lack of advertising must be the reason she didn't know about my premade site. It doesn't matter that I link it on my layout at Doodles, nor does it matter that my premade site is also linked in the bottom of EACH AND EVERY SINGLE EMAIL I send out. Yeah, that's right, I am a glorified spammer, but people like me anyway.... and my emails come on pretty stats, so the spamming isn't so bad if it's pretty to look at at the same time.

Anyway, so I guess it this anonymous tagger reads my blog too... she can maybe see that I am not a thief... and the graphics I use on my sites are mine (unless I have expressed permission-- ie. memberships, blah blah blah). It's kinda nice to see someone stick up for my work... even if it was ME she was flaming to on my tagboard. HA HA HA.. I can't help but to laugh. Jeez.... whoulda thunk something like that would ever happen.

I would write more, but I am sick and I feel like crap. If you read this... send me chicken soup!

The Epitome of a Strong Woman

2005-06-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

I was updating some of the links on my blog, and when I added Sophia, I thought she deserved her own entry. You can read her story here .

When I heard of this woman in 2000, she became my strength and my inspiration when life becomes bleak. My friends are sick of hearing about her.... if you ask any of them... I am constantly saying:

"It could be worse, you could stuck up in a tree during the middle of a flood having a baby."

She really is my inspiration. I almost tried to track down an address for her... as I would love to write her. I think there would be a problem with the language barrier though. I don't even know what language she speaks.

When I think of her, suddenly I realize that it could always be worse.... and the fact that we are paying our electric bill late doesn't matter anymore.

The Grand Poobah of Kiddie Pools

2005-06-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

So we got a pool. We couldn't afford it, but we can't afford to take the kids to the pool everyday, so this was the lesser of the two evils. The kids LOVE it. Even if they didn't wanna wait until the water warmed up, they still had a good time freezing their little patooties off in the water.
Here are some of the pics I took last night.

CLICK HERE FOR A BIG PIC OF ALL OF THEM
don't ya love Reagan's face?? She does that in EVERY picture I take. Some pics turn out soooo good, and then I look at what kind of face she has made and it just makes me wanna scream. I don't know why she thinks that looks good. *sigh* And she's the GOOD ONE

Maddie lost her first tooth... you can see the hole in this picture. LOL

My Boo... she's getting so big. This pool is almost as tall as her LOL... it goes up to about her armpits. I remember when she was about half this size.

I like this picture of Ian, you can see thru the pool and see the rest of his face and his smile. Kinda cool :)

One of my favorite online scrapbooking pages is a bunch of pics of them swimming in a much smaller pool. This pool is sooo much bigger. It's 8ft across and the height is 27 inches (although the water only goes to 21 inches). The one last year at best was maybe 10 inches-12 inches deep. I wanna take some more pics cuz I have an AWESOME webset I was gifted from Diana(made by Melly) when Melly was closing her doors. I was really sad to see her go, but the set I got was so awesome, I really can't wait to use it. It's a cute hawaiian set with little girls (and boys) in luau outfits and grass huts. Lots of water and stuff... perfect for pics of kids in the pool :)

I remember when I was growing up I was lucky to get one of those itty bitty plastic pools that you could barely fit in... muchless TWO kids. The pool my kids got is like the Grand Poobah of pools for kids. To think, my kids will be the envy of all of the slip n sliders, the kiddie pool kids in the neighborhood. Just what I want. A bunch of kids I barely know, clad in swimsuits, running towards my house in glee as their parents yell to them not to come home until the sun goes down. How fun.

5 years ago....

2005-06-03T01:23:00.000-07:00

How much someone's life can change in 5 years. Have you ever had someone ask you "Where do you want to be in five years?" Well after the last five years I have come to realize that a lot in your life can change in just five years. Like THE WHOLE THING.

Five years ago Madison was just born. Five years ago, my husband was just my downstairs neighbor who meant nothing to me. He was the annoying bachelor who listened to crazy music that blared up thru the vents at 3am when I was trying to sleep. Five years ago I was still with that deadbeat dad of my oldest kiddos. Five years ago I had nothing going for me except I was "his girlfriend." I wasn't me. I was lost in his shadow. Five years ago I was too worried about making him happy to make myself happy. And then he crushed my world and left. He took the money, the car, and left me completely destroyed. Or so I thought.

When I started dating my husband, I was in it for the conquest. I was gonna make him fall in love with me, and then I was gonna trample his heart and chop it up in a million pieces just like my ex did with me. I wanted to make someone as miserable as I was. I wanted to cure my pain with retribution. LOL... I was never very good at being vindictive. Now we have been together for about 5 years, and we have been married for about 2 1/2 years. We have a baby, and are thinking about another one.

Wow how five year changes your life.

Five years ago, I wasn't a college graduate. I didn't even know what I wanted to go to school for. Five years ago I wasn't pushing 3 kids in a stroller thru the snow and ice when it was 26 degrees outside, just so I could attend classes. Five years ago I didn't have goals.

Five years ago I didn't know how precious my online friends would be to me. I didn't know anything about computers, well... I didn't even own one. Five years ago I had never heard of PSP, and I had never drawn a pixel. Five years ago I thought people who drove 7 hours to meet someone they met online were FREAKING CRAZY. Five years ago I had never hugged Gracie in person. I didn't even KNOW Gracie.

I didn't own my own car five year ago. I didn't know the joy of being a room mom. Five years ago I still lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that was managed by a slumlord. Five years ago I thought this was all I deserved. Five years ago I didn't reach for the stars. Five years ago I was just getting by.

Five years ago I was fighting off my ex's homewrecking mistress who was psycho and stalking/harassing me. Five years ago I still spoke to my sister. Five years ago I was talking to my paternal grandmother 3+ days a week. Five years ago I hadn't been disowned by half the family for standing my ground and refusing to act like my sister wasn't a whore. Five years ago my dad and I saw eye-to-eye, and we didn't fight about my sister. Five years ago I got to see my neice almost every single day of the week. Five years ago I got to kiss her sweet head whenever I wanted to. Five years ago I didn't cry at night because I missed her so much... because I got to see her whenever I wanted. Five years ago I didn't realize that the only reason my sister let my watch my neice so much was so she could bang my boyfriend behind my back. Five years ago I still respected my sister and told her I loved her.

Five years ago I hadn't cut all my hair off to donate it to Locks of Love Five years ago I didn't have gray hair LOL. Five years ago I would have never thought about donating my hair to LOL for the SECOND TIME. There was a lot of things that were different five years ago. Basically my whole life. And most importantly, five years ago I wasn't happy with my life. I wasn't proud of who I am. Five years ago I wasn't the woman I am today.

Makes ya kind of wonder... what will the next five years bring?

Wasted Charity

2005-06-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

To graduate I had to do an internship for 200 hours. We are supposed to get a paid position in the field we are going into. I asked my professor if it had to be a PAID internship, because I really wanted to work at a Not-for-profit battered women's shelter here in town. And they don't hire very many people on salary. Most of the people who work there are volunteers.

Anyway, so I got the job and I was so proud to work there. I loved going in everyday and making a difference. Women were escaping their abusers with the help of what I was doing. It didn't matter to me that I started out doing peon work like stuffing envelopes, or entering constituent data into Raiser's Edge, a program I had never heard of before I started working there. I was making a difference, and that was all that mattered.

During my first interview when I was applying for the Internship, it had come up that I was interested in web design and I was learning HTML on the side. They were very excited to hear this, because they needed someone to update their website. I was totally thrilled. I have designed websites before, but never one for a business that was known in the the state, the region, and in some circles they were known Nationally. When I got hired this was one of my goals was to get the website updated and everything in order for whoever was going to keep updating to know where everything would be.

So, the first week I pour my heart and soul into this thing. I work on it all thru the day, having several delays because I was working from home, and I would have to wait for someone at the office to email me this, that or the other thing. I even completed my intership hours and was now working out of the goodness of my heart... because I really believe everyone should participate in charity at some point in their life... not to mention I thought a project like this would look great on my resume.

Now I understand having delays, they are a not for profit, and they do a lot of things at once... but at one point in time it took TWO FREAKING WEEKS for them to send me images I needed for some animations I made for an online fundraiser they were doing. Now, I think this is a little ridiculous, especially for someone who is doing this on their own time and not getting paid for it. My internship was over and I had no ties or contract whatsoever. You would think they would pay closer attention to volunteers who work this hard for them. Appreciate them. Apparently not.

So, to complete the whole project it takes about a month. I had to wait on the animations, I had to wait for FTP access (which I never got because the lady in the office had no idea what a FTP was... so I finally just zipped the site and told them how to upload it). The whole thing looks WONDERFUL. I put it all in frames, so the images on the top of the page don't continually load, which originally were causing hell for anyone on dialup. I added new pages to the site, and I updated all of the Board of Directors stuff... and a bunch of misc stuff.

The girl I was working with at the office finally emails me that they are uploading the new and improved website on the 30th (of May)... so I am really excited to see everything in action. I had it loaded on a subdomain on my website so they could see what I was doing and how much had been changed, but was never on the website cuz of the glitch with the FTP accelss. So today rolls around and I remember that she was gonna have everything up by the 30th... so I go check it all out.

I WAS FLABBERGHASTED

The fucking idiots didn't even use any of the work I did, except the two animations I made, and then they even had the nerve to resize one of them (which totally made it look like ASS) without even contacting me about it. Whatever happened to Artist integrity? Damn.

So now I am fucking livid cuz the morons working there had me work on this project for about a month... most of which ended up being on my own time because I really wanted to help them out with the site, and I was over my Intership Hours... so I just did it outta the kindness of my own heart. See if I ever do that shit again. Stupid fuckwads. Gawd I am really angry about it too... cuz the site looked AWESOME... and now I am embarrassed to even be associated with it. They made my work look like crap, and I will be damned if I put that in my portfolio looking as asstastic as it does. All that work down the drain. All for NOTHING. I guess they can count me OUT when it comes to any other volunteer jobs. I am permanently removing their organization from my list of people I am willing to support and donate time and or money to. Screw that. I dunno why they wasted my time.

There are so many other places who would LOVE to get help like that for free. People who would be grateful, people who would offer a thank you and even a hug. People who would use the work I gave them, and be happy to do so. People who won't waste my time.

Hermie Genocide

2005-05-31T01:08:00.000-07:00

I am a room mom for my kids' school. Well, I was until they had to relocate clear out in BFE so they could remodel the school... so now I miss out on that stuff cuz it's too far away to walk. Anyway, I WAS a room mom. And next year I will be too. Nothing like 30 riled up kindergartener/1st graders who are hopped up on jellybeans and cupcakes to make you feel like yer in need of adding on another room at your house... a RUBBER one. In a way it makes my four kids look like a trip to Disneyland (*note: not the same Disneyland as mentioned previously in this blog. LOL*)

Anyway, for show and tell, one of the little girls in the class brought her Hermit Crabs. They were in a big cage and she probably had about 10 of them. Painted like ladybugs, soccer balls, and other bright and colorful things. Suddenly I was compelled to buy my kids a pet that could possibly pinch their fingers off. I NEEDED to get hermies for my kids. Lots of Ladybugs, and Nemos, and Soccerballs with pinchers. Now all I had to do was con my husband into thinking that these glorified bugs with pinchers would make for a great family pet. Great for cuddling with and all that good stuff.

Anyway, getting my husband to say yes was easier than picking the damn things out at the store. There were so many of them. And I wanted to get the perfect ones for the kiddos. I got an arrangement of small and large hermies, and we ended up with lots of crabbies of a multitude of colors. THIS is what the first herd of Hermies looked liked (or should it be pack? or something else).

The big tiger striped one we named Speedy. He was the biggest one, and my favorite. HERE is a pic of him upclose. He totally kicked ass.

I used to let him crawl all over my shoulders, and he hung out with my on my keyboard. He was really friendly, and I was only pinched once, and that was my fault. We took him out during a party, and the music was really loud, and I think he was startled. Damn, getting pinched by a hermie hurts like a bitch.

As you can tell by the past-tense he is no longer with us. I bought a rogue crab from the petstore and he brought mites home with him. I tried desperately to save my dear Speedy, but to no avail... he kicked the crabbie bucket. I cried for the rest of the night. He was my friend.

After Speedy passed on it seemed like the rest of them just missed him so much that they couldn't live without him. We had a plague or something hit our house and they started leaving for Crabbie heaven one by one faster than Calista Flockhart passes up a steak. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to keep these damn things alive. Jeez.

So after buying several replacement crabs, I decided enough was enough... and we stopped buying them. I had one hermie that had an antisocial personality and he was killing all of the hermies that lived in the same cage as him. Finally he had killed them all. We figured either he was a serial killer... or a true hermit and he wanted to be left alone. Who am I to deny a crab his wish. So we never bought him anymore hermie friends, and he lived out his life happily by himself. Until tonight.

We found him in his shell and his eyes had no color anymore, I thought maybe it was cuz he was cold, so I got some warm water for him, and put him in it... but to no avail. He was absolutely lifeless. I pulled on his pincher to see if I could get him to try to pinch me, but it fell off. Our last crabbie had kicked the bucket. I was sad... but not sad like when I lost Speedy.

So anyway, several hours pass and the kids come running into the living room "Mom, Mom, another crab grew into the shell... we found him in the bucket of water in the bathroom." I am thinking to myself... yeah right, they don't GROW BACK. And they hand me the shell, and sure enough, there is a crab in there. and it had black eyes (unlike the clear eyes from before). The FREAKING CRAB MOLTED, and I just didn't even think about it until now. So he was never dead... but after being submerged in water laced with Pinesol he sure wasn't alive anymore. I was soooooooooooooo sad. I can't believe he had to die that way. What a horrible way to die. Drowning in Pinesol. My children had committed Hermie Genocide.

So now we are crabless. My Sister-in-Law's gerbil just had babies. We were thinking about getting a couple. Hoping maybe we could keep these buggers alive a little bit longer.

Nightmare Before Xmas... scratch that, it's only Summer

2005-05-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

So, for the last week we have been begging my son to give up the location of a $130 pocket watch I bought for my husband for Valentine's Day. My husband LOVED that watch. Everyday he wore it. I think he would have married the damn thing if he coulda found a way for an inanimate object to sign its name on a marriage license. I found it on ebay. It's a Nightmare Before Christmas watch with Jack and Zero on it. it looks just like this one... I think I might have even bought it from the same seller. My husband is livid. I don't know what to do. School is out until Tuesday, and I can't call until then. He doesn't even know the kid's name... this is a freaking nightmare. He started off doing chores to work off the money it was gonna cost to take him to school after he got kicked off the bus... and now he is gonna be doing chores all summer to pay for that watch. I think we are gonna change his name to StickyFingers McGee. $130!!! *SCREAMS* I am so angry. Money like that doesn't come to our house very easily. I don't know how I can replace it. My husband is nervously twitching now because he's so angry. I really think I am the only thing saving my little boy from a punishment like no other. Don't think it hasn't crossed my husband's mind to chop my son's hands off so he would leave stuff alone that wasn't his.I guess it's a good thing we don't live in Sri Lanka or something like that. I don't know how many body parts he would have left.

The Mom in me just wants to hold my little boy and break down in tears. I just want to hug him and be in denial that he is so naughty. I just want to hug away all the naughtiness. I am almost in tears right now. He's my precious little boy. The only one I have. I want him to be perfect. To grow up and be a gentleman, to take responsibility for his actions. To be proud of himself. Not this person everyone thinks should be choking down Ritalin. I desperately hope that I am not alone. There has to be someone else out there who is at their wits end with their child(ren)'s behavior. I wish I had a magic wand and I could Bibbity Bobbity Boo it all into a faerytale ending. Ahhhhh, wouldn't that be the best? To wake up in a faerytale? My luck and I would end up in some dungeon locked away at the very beginning of the story...and then they would forget about me. An Extra, a supporting role at best. The story of my life.

Frozen with Fear

2005-05-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

So my husband is very excited that I have now cleared the diabetes test, and I have went for my pap, and now he wants to start trying for a baby. I am still nervous. Extremely nervous.

We were so close to trying the other night, and at the very last minute I asked him to put a condom on. He about lost it. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do. I am terrified to have another baby. My husband was so frustrated he slept on the couch. We haven't had unprotected sex since before Lexie was born. Yes.. we used a condom when I was pregnant because the smell of his ummm... yeah, I am sure you get the point, made me wanna toss my lunch. When a woman is pregnant suddenly things she loves suddenly smell weird, favorite foods make her stomach turn, and she craves the weirdest stuff. Well, one of the side effects of being pregnant the last time was not being able to handle the smell of his, let's call it "manliness". Poor guy... I thought he was gonna kill me after 9 mos. Atleast with a condom I didn't smell it as much. So, I can sympathize. We are married, monogomous, very much in love, and he still has to wear a baggie.

So I don't know what I am gonna do to get over it, but I am ovulating right now.... and he is playing video games, so I doubt I will be squeezing another 8 pounder out in 9 mos. Maybe we can try for 10 mos from now? *sigh* I wish I could get over this. I would love to have another baby. I am just frozen with fear.

Walt Disney's Newest Ride

2005-05-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

I don't understand is how can kids idolize a man who does nothing for them? They see him once a week and it's like they are in bliss to stay in the shithole he takes them to. Nevermind that he was just talking about the crackheads that live down the hall, or even the fact that my oldest asked me if Daddy and my sister are Boyfriend and Girlfriend because she saw them sleeping in the same bed together... or even the fact that he walked out on us and took all of the money and the car with him, and then refused to pay child support or drive the children anywhere. What I don't get is that he is so worthless he can't even keep a job, has no house, and they sleep in sleeping bags at my sisters house because he is so worthless he can't keep a lease.... and they still treat him like he is a one way ticket to Disneyland. Maybe if Walt Disney had a ride like that he would have three times more money than he ever had now. My kids would never leave. They could float around on giant sleeping bags thru tunnels of never-ending ramen noodles, and thru rooms full of a foggy mist scented with the aroma of a pack of freshly smoked Marlboros. Sounds like a freaking blast. Where do I get my ticket? Wait, I want an arm bracelet. More bang for my buck. Cuz I know I will never wanna leave. Ahhhhhhh, nothing better than stale cigarette smoke and ramen noodles. Especially if your Daddy is right there along side ya.

My oldest says, "When daddy gets his new house we are gonna live right down the hall from our cousin, and we will get a room just like we have here... only it will be a lot cleaner." I about choked on my water. I could have a spotless house too if my kids were only here for 18 hours a week (and slept for 8 of them). Not to mention he does NONE of their laundry, so none of their clothes are there... they take none of their school projects over there, none of their homework, nothing of any actual substance. All of their big toys are here... cuz ya know... the Dollar Store doesn't sell bikes or Little Tikes trucks. And he only goes to the Dollar Store for stuff for them. Anything else is pure blasphemy. And they want to live with him?? I just don't get it.

I finally put an end to it. I told her that she couldn't live with Daddy until he had a bed for her to sleep in, and food at his house that didn't consist of ramen noodles or 29 cent macaroni and cheese. Maybe they like living there because they don't like to eat vegetables and he never seems to serve any. That's a thought. Since I knew that would never happen, there is no chance that she will be moving. Or her sister and the green clad brother of hers ;) It's okay though... I am kinda attached to them. Even if they do make crazy.

I guess I should quit rambling. I started writing so long ago. I didn't mean to bitch so much... but I gotta say I am glad I did... and I am sure my husband is too... cuz now I won't be bitching at HIM about it. And HE said a blog was a silly idea. *scoffs* If he only knew ;)

Have a FANTABULOUS evening all. Tuck yer kids in their beds, make them eat their vegetables, and remember: They may hate you today... but they will love you later. And above ALL: Don't let them have a one way ticket to Disneyland.

If ya can't beat them? Ground them from their Dad's

2005-05-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today was total, utter chaos. Between HTML Lessons and trying to create more graphics for Daydreams my son decided to pour a bottle of green nail polish in a basket full of unfolded laundry. Not like we needed them anyway, my kids don't know how to wear clothes for longer than 20 mins. Longer than that and they are shucking everything off just like the husk on a freshly cooked cob of corn. Sometimes I think it might be better if we joined a nudist colony... but then they wouldn't be able to play dressup. *sigh* They are never happy.

So, back to the fingernail polish. I smelled it in the living room. Nail Polish has a very distinct smell, and my young son thought he would be able to pull one over on me when I came back in the playroom. "Where is the nail polish?" I asked sweetly and innocently... begging to know where he spilled it so I could clean it up before it dried. "What nail polish?" He looks at me like he has everything in the world to hide. I asked several times and he finally surrendered the location of the nail polish... swearing up and down he never opened it (yeah right... I was getting high off the fumes), I start frantically searching the closet, swearing at my son who coulda made this a whole helluva lot easier on both of us. If it woulda been a snake it woulda bit me. All of the way down the basket I was moving to and fro was a big glob of sparkling green nail polish. It seemed to laugh at me as it raced to dry in less than 3 mins. Damn, for once some nail polish actually did what it said it would. I pulled all of the clothes I could out of the basket trying to salvage what I could. It was too late for a couple of t-shirts, and a pair of pants... but I managed to salvage the rest of the clothes.

I turned around with daggers in my eyes, and my son stood his ground. "I didn't do it." YEAH FREAKING RIGHT HE DIDN'T. AND I AM THE VIRGIN MARY! He was the only one in the room, and the only one up in the house at the time. One of his sisters was sleeping and the other two were gone. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe there wasn't green nail polish all over it. Maybe my son was the angel he proclaimed to be. There was only problem with that. The crooked halo that my angellic son donned was covered in GREEN NAIL POLISH. I could have strung him up in a tree by his toenails. I was so angry I coulda spit. *remembers to breathe* Ahhhhhhh, just another day in my life. And to think... my husband wants another one of these angels. Hopefully the next one won't like nail polish. You ask what my son's punishment was? He went to his room and went to bed, but he doesn't know that he also doesn't get to go with his dad this weekend. I am sure I will never hear the end of it. It will probably do him good, that man is absolutely worthless and probably the root of every problem that little boy has.

Ahhhhhh the pleasures of Motherhood. If only I coulda said no to the Green nail polish that was on sale at Target.

Hello Motherhood... Bye Bye Dignity!!

2005-05-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

My DH really wants a baby. A son to be precise. I have already had four children (3 from a previous relationship), and the last pregnancy was not very fun. What with Round Ligament Pain so bad my Dr. almost hospitalized me, A Cephalic Aversion that I thought I wasn't gonna make it thru, and moderately high blood pressure during the last trimester, I am not really looking forward to going thru it all again. But I will for him. Because I think there is no better feeling in the world, than the feeling you get in your heart when you first lay eyes on your baby. So, after he has laid eyes on his little girl a little over 2 year ago, I want him help him see that he can indeed hold as much love in his heart for a second child as he did the first. He can't possibly imagine how that much love can fit into such a small space. Babies are true miracles. My parents are gonna kill me.

So, I told him we couldn't start trying until I found out if I was diabetic or not, and also not until after I had a pap done. Last week I went in for my bloodwork for a diabetes check (that was a freaking carnival ride from hell), and today I went in for my pap.

I got up an hour early to get ready for the appointment, made sure to shave again, and put on a nice outfit. I don't know why I put nice clothes on to see him, because I am pretty much naked when he comes in the room, and he could really give a shit less what color my shirt is or that I wore a kickass jean skirt... but I do it anyway. It makes me feel better.

So, we are doing the exam, everything is fine, and he is finishing up. He taps my backside and asks me, "What is this?" I am mortified. I thought I had some cancerous mole on the bottom of my ass that I couldn't see cuz it's on the bottom of my ass. My heart sinks. I say, "What is what?" Again asks me, "This. What is this?" I can feel him rubbing across something on my rear end, but to my knowledge I truly didn't know I had anything there... and more to the point I am more afraid of what he is gonna say next. Then he does the unthinkable.... HE PULLED IT OFF!! I was panicking by now cuz I really didn't wanna see what he just did, and I was mortified that whatever he pulled off me DIDN'T HURT when he did it.

He raises his hand, and on the tip of his index finger is a gold sequin. "You really didn't have to pretty up for me like this." He chuckled. I think I probably turned about 10 shades or red. How in the hell did a sequin get stuck to my ass... and more importantly, why did it pick TODAY of all days to decorate my derriere? Gotta thank the little ones for that one. They showered my house with sequins and glitter last week, I am still finding it everywhere. Apparently, in more places than I thought. Do I really want need another kid?

Hello Motherhood... Bye Bye Dignity!

Lisa Frank and Her Warrior Minions

2005-05-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Wow... Me a blogger. I am an official website junkie now. I can't believe I have a blog. I said I never would. It was a fad. Thoughts that should always be kept between pen and paper... not keyboard and monitor. Wow mom, look... no hands!! I am doing it. The one thing as an internet junkie I said I would never do. I am the proud owner of a blog.

When I was younger I wrote all of the time. When we moved to Malmo, my New Year's Resolution was to keep a journal. It was always in a Lisa Frank notebook. I dunno what it is about Lisa Frank, but the woman exudes creativity to me. Is Lisa Frank even a real person? Well, she is to me.... and I always thought if I had a cool notebook, I would be inspired to write stuff in it that someday I would look back on and be able to laugh, cry, and most importantly REMEMBER. Who wants to remember the life of a poor 15 year old who is bitter about her parents moving her away from the city, to a house close enough to a pig farm that ya could smell the shit? Apparently I did. And I still have them. All of them... a huuuge box of notebooks filled with letters to my future husband, entries of desperation, and my longing for love. I can't even look at them now. It's all too depressing. But I am keeping them anyway. Maybe when I am 60 I will be able to look back on them and find something worth reading. If I read them now, all it does is make me wanna go choke down some prozac. I don't even have a prescription for Prozac... but it sounds like something I would need after reading my pretty Lisa Frank Journals. Ya think she would be pissed at me? I ruined her cute image by tarnishing them with the blood, sweat and mascara clad tears that bathe the pages inside her book. Damn, I hope she never reads this.

And now... here I am... spilling my anonymous guts to someone online who could probably give a shit less. It's a little less Lisa Frank Here. I just moved in though... gimme a bit ;) You think when I am 60 I will come back to these entries and gather some much needed youthfulness that I lost years back? Something to possibly treasure between my wrinkled hands while I sweep the gray locks of hair from my face? I guess we will see.

Stay tuned. Same Bat time, same bat channel... well maybe.